I am afraid of having sex

Generally speaking, the only way to protective yourself is to not have sex, period.

But when you do, always use a condom (especially hookups). You could go even further by using a condom for oral sex.

Anytime you do anything with a stranger, there is a potential to catch an STD or HIV. The chances are significantly lower when you use protection.

The best way to protect yourself, in addition to condoms, is to only meet people that you are comfortable with, or not have sex at all. Handjobs are pretty safe, since you’re only using your hand(s).

 

Jerrylee, thank you for starting this thread. Yes, what you wrote puts me off guys too. And my concerns are maybe more than yours:

1. Kissing - there are many things that can be passed on in kissing - bacterias and viruses like herpes, syphillus, gonorrhea, mono, TB, plus what you said. Where has the guy been before with his tongue? I hear that some men like doing analingus...Those men then kiss those they do the analingus to...

2. Anal - of course there are again many thing that can be caught here as you have pointed out, and condoms can break... But in addition to your concerns I hear that many men like to insert their finger first. Do they then wash their hands before continuing? I doubt that they do. I doubt that they wear a disposable glove and then take it off carefully by turning it inside out. I don't want a finger that has been inside me then touching me or the bedding... I don't want a guy attempting to put his finger into me anyway...

3. Blow jobs / oral sex - most guys are ignorant of the risks involved. So, condoms should be used. But how many of the guys out there used condoms for oral with previous guys they went with?

I do like what Jax12, wrote, though. Because we do not want to be celibate. We don't want to limit ourselves to hand jobs. I have, though, so far not gone with any guy because of my concerns.

 

I don't think Jax was actually suggesting you should avoid sex altogether and we can't go through life hoping to eliminate all risks. To do so would be completely irrational and we wouldn't even get out of bed in the morning. There is absolutely no reason to not have sex if you take sensible precautions - use condoms, dental dams etc. I think that was the point Jax was making.

Kissing is very low risk, BJ is also very low risk if you don't have open sores in your mouth, eg. mouth ulcers and anal is low risk IF you use condoms and plenty of lube.

I am 42 years old. I have had plenty of sex and I am still fit and healthy and there's no reason why it can't be the same for you. Avoiding all sexual activity is extremely risk averse and really unnecessary.

 

Patrick, I agree with you about what Jax12 was and wasn't saying. As I said, I liked what he said. I like what you wrote above, too. I can't speak for Jerrylee, but I do realize that I am very risk averse and overthetop cautious when it comes to guys. But I was just telling how I am... I wasn't advising others to be as I presently am.

By the way, I thought you would reply on this thread - and indeed reply as you did content wise. You seem to be a very nice and caring person.

 

That's fine, Richard - I totally understand why people feel anxious about sex and my comments were not directed at you (I think you just happened to be writing your comments at exactly the same time as me ).

We only get one body and it's natural that we wish to look after and protect it - and we absolutely should. As with most things in life, we need to try to find a healthy balance between risk and reward. I think it is possible with guys and sex, but that's not taking anything away from people who have concerns.

 

Well, you can't really know another persons sexual health and you never should go on trust alone, but that's not a reason to avoid all sex. Providing we take personal responsibility and absolutely insist on safe sex, we reduce the risks to ourselves significantly. We can't eliminate all risks, but isn't that true of many things in life? Even in our daily activities there's a certain amount of risk.

 

That is a good thing. I bet few do that. But I'm sure that you are aware that even in that there are holes. The window for hiv infection showing up is 3 months. So the hiv test only gives a result for a point in time 3 months back before the test was taken. So, you'd need to be with that person for another 3 months with no sex or safe sex and then have them take another hiv test 3 months later which comes up negative. And even then if the person has had sex in the last three months with someone else then he / she still may have contracted hiv and be hiv+. So, you have to but can't rely on someone's word for sure... So, still risk... And obviously it's not just hiv. And hiv isn't the only thing of course that a lying partner may bring to you...

 

Kissing is safe. Even if you have an ulcer, the chances of you getting ANY STI is so low you have a better chance and winning the lottery. Seriously, kissing is fine. Hep B is also an easy 3 shots that will prevent you from getting it ever. Tuberculosis is spread by sneezing, coughing etc. so kissing is not even the main way that its spread. Its also not an easy illness to catch so nothing to really worry about.

If you use a condom correctly, the chances of something happening is sooooo slim. Of course things could happen, but if you use a condom properly (watch a video on pornhub if you need to learn how to put one on) you should be fine. Like really fine.

BJs are riskier than kissing and they are not in the same level. The most common STIs through Bjs are gonorrhea, chlamydia and syphilis. While theoretically you could get HIV through BJ, its so uncommon that in must studies done in couples where one partner has HIV and the other one doesn't' BJs didn't transmit the virus once.

So they are safer than you think, but you should be more choosy with this one. If you use a flavor condom it will take the risks WAY down to a level that you shouldn't worry about STI if you use a condom.


While you should always have safer sex, STI are not as contagious as you might think. Its not a guarantee that if you have unprotected sex with someone who has gonorrhea that you will get it, but your chances do go up compared to safer sex practices.

If it makes you feel any better, I have probably given unprotected Bjs to around 60-100 guys. Some who I knew and some who I barely saw their faces. I got syphilis once after years of risky behavior. Am I saying you should be like me? If you don't enjoy it, hell no. But what I am saying is that this fear that you are having is blown out of proportion a bit.

If you use protection you will be fine.

 

As with anything in life there are risks, nothing is 100% safe. My plan, if I ever get to meet anyone gay, is to get to know them before engaging in sex. Kissing isn’t a worry as I kissed many women without worry or disease, men shouldn’t be any different. I’ve not had unprotected sex with a woman, and no contact with a man- I’m sure I’m disease free, but if a guy asked me to be tested, I wouldn’t have a problem- I would expect the same for him. Once there was trust and a connection, I would move forward- I wouldn’t ever have unprotected sex and I’m not going to worry about the slim chances of disease after I’ve taken reasonable precautions. No need to scrub in and glove up like a surgeon for a hand job... for oral or anal I want to know the person a little bit before taking that step.

 

No

Chip, that window is 3 months for HIV not 3 weeks. It is important that you correct your reply above.

 

Chip, I know that new HIV tests continue to come along, but a negative test result after 6 weeks post incident is not definitive. Yes, that negative result will likely be so in the end if the six week result is negative, but another negative test result 3 months post incident is currently needed to be definitive.

http://www.aidsmap.com/page/1322978/

 

You’re spot on for what I was trying to say; just take the necessary precautions to protect yourself when you decide to sleep with someone.

The fear behind STI/HIV is a reasonable fear, and in fact it’s slmething I struggle with as well. Can’t remember where I read this, but catching and STI/HIV is like driving; you can’t predict when you will get into a car accident, like if someone rear ends you, but you could wear a seatbelt and get T-Boned and there was nothing you could do to avoid it.

To OP, life is about risk. Just know that there are resources out there to assist you if you needed it. One of the best ways to protect yourself is education behind STI/HIV, and trust that while you cannot control the actions of others, you very well have power over what you decide to do.

 

Just something that we all missed here. It might be purely down to English not being your first language; but you'd not be broken if you did get a STD/STI, even an incurable one that you had to live with. Nobody is broken as a result of having had or having an STD/STI. They might think they are broken, but they are not.