I feel so lost and empty

I think you already know exactly what to do in order to have the life you want, but you are just afraid of the implications concerning your family and your boyfriend and it is very understandable. I mean just read that sentence you wrote : "I could never be myself". That's your answer, right here. You aren't questioning, you already know that you are attracted to women.

You already know that you aren't attracted in the slightest to your boyfriend. That doesn't mean you don't care about him. I can tell you love him very much. But you said it yourself : you are not sexually attracted to him at all. The thing is , you don't get to decide, in the same way that heterosexual girls come across men that would be perfect for them, IF they were attracted to them. And yet they aren't, and they don't get to choose either.

Kelly, i know it is going to be difficult. But the only thing to do, if you really do care about your boyfriend, is to let him go. Yes, it will hurt him. But by staying with him you aren't being fair to him, nor to you. You both have the right to be with someone that is attracted to you in every levels, including sexual attraction. You don't have to come out to him. But you should most definitely ask for a break and take the time you need to discover who you really are. This isn't betrayal. You aren't betraying anybody. You just love him enough to know what is best for him, and you have to learn to love yourself enough to embrace what feels right to you. You deserve to have the life you want.

As far as God is concerned, even if i am not a believer i remember a quote from a book i've read not too long ago. It's about a gay teacher that is closeted because he works in a religious boy only school. One of his student comes out to him, terrified of what God would do to him if he were to embrace being gay. And the teacher told him these very words : "I don't believe God really cares what you eat, or what you wear, or whom you love. I think that if God made the stars, he must have a greater perspective."

Last but not least dear Kelly : you are so very far from being alone, even though your surroundings make you feel that way. A lot of people on this forum are dealing with the exact same issues that you are dealing with, and they would love nothing more than helping you deal with yours.

Don't lose hope in those difficult times

 

Okay, this is overwhelming because it involves more than one person, so in order to alleviate some of the distress you need to bring the relationship with your boyfriend to an end. While you stay with him you are fighting fires in all directions and having to maintain even more pretences -- making a bad situation even worse. You don't have to tell him exactly why you want to end it, but as things stand your relationship with him is built on a big lie and that's not fair to either of you. Will it hurt to end it? Yes it will, because you do love him as a person, but if you love him you need to let him go... as nicely as you can.

Only when you have that breathing space can you turn your mind to the wider issue of your sexuality and family. Unfortunately, asking God to make you straight will not work -- many have tried that prayer and it always goes unanswered (because there is nothing that needs changing).

I would urge you to focus on one thing at a time and talk to us at each step. We are here for kindness and support and to help you as you journey on.

 

I'm a woman in a 20-year marriage to a man and have recently realized I'm attracted to women, so my advice is that if you're feeling like this now, it's easier to break things off sooner than it will be if you end up married with children. It's never going to get any easier.

Being gay isn't wrong and there's nothing wrong with your feelings. I am so sorry you're surrounded by people who you feel wouldn't be supportive of you. It sounds so hard, but please be true to who you are and seek some people who will understand. They are out there, I promise. You just need to find your people.

If I could give my 19-year-old self some advice it would be to explore, have fun, figure out who you are and what's important to you, and don't be so afraid of what people think. I have always been paralyzed by fear and what people are going to think, and I've suffered for it. It's not worth it. Be you! Easier said than done, I know, but you are going to be you for the rest of your life. I'm wishing you strength to do what you need to do.