Is Online Dating Safe?

Ok so the idea of online dating makes me cringe. I have heard from others about fake accounts and problematic people...all seriously creepy in my opinion. I always said to myself that I'd be willing to try online dating someday, but the truth is it scares me. I don't even like the idea of making my photos public on any dating site which I'm assuming one has to do in order to be matched, viewed, or however it works.

For those of you who have experience with online dating, how do you deal with issues of privacy and/or security? I don't believe we can name any websites here so please don't do that. I'm just trying to get a general idea of how good/bad everyone's experiences have been. Have you come across any scary or creepy situations? If so, is it a rare thing or common to online dating? I feel like we have to let go of so much privacy (and security) to describe details about ourselves and include photos. There's no other way to do it obviously but it feels so crazy to me (yes, I realize I'm probably over-paranoid). Ugh!

 

Hm, I’ve tried online dating and I personally am not a fan. First, I’ve found that many people are on there to get over an ex or hook up. That doesn’t mean people don’t have success and meet partners!

So, the bad. My little bit of online dating generated lots of clingy people or the one person I was interested in who wasn’t crazy, but who was, yep, out to get over an ex. The warning signs were there, I just read them as she was similar to me and didn’t text often and was vague.
A few of my friends have done this strategy and go on ###### to bang out the pain, so to speak. I don’t approve since I don’t do hookups, but whatever floats your boat. They’re vague in their profiles and don’t beat around the bush. They’re there for one thing.
On the flip side are the clingy ones who jump from one relationship to one another. I’ve dated this person and it only ends in pain for everyone.

So I asked my friends who’ve had lasting relationships from meeting partners online: slow and steady and weeding through the above. They said you’ll go through lots of people and crappy messages, as well as crappy dates, but as one friend said stick to it. She also said prolong the getting to know you process: lots of questions. Another friend who met previous partners online said it’s exhausting and it’s like job hunting.

Another friend said she met her partner online and they talked for four months before meeting. They’re now married. Her stipulations were that they had to talk and get to know each other first.

I get the impression a person has to have the right personality for it and be ready for a relationship. I know for me, it’s not my thing. But I know it works for many people!

 

I agree with signmypapyrus. There are lots of creepy people just looking for a hook up. It's difficult to find people actually looking for something more than that, depending on where you go.

 

I've never thought online dating would be my thing either. I've also heard that it's like job hunting and lots of people are there for hookups (how un-romantic). I know people do meet their significant others online, so it can work, but I just haven't had the strength to give it a shot. It's interesting that your friend talked for so long before meeting (4months, yikes!). I think I would want to meet fairly quickly to see if there was chemistry in person. But then, I know nothing of online dating, except it doesn't sound like fun.

 

I’ve come across a couple of catfish but you can spot those re how little they go into detail etc. It does get tedious keep talking about yourself all the time and trying to look through profiles to see if any are worth contacting. Most don’t reply so don’t take it personally. I try and meet after a couple of weeks if I think we might click as it’s hard to tell what a person is like by just messaging. If I decide to meet then we swap mobile numbers. I prefer to talk through the apps but some might want you to prove you are real but I’ve never been asked. A real person goes into a lot of detail and sticks around so I think you can spot the fakes. Obviously meet in a public place the first time and never give them money no matter what the sob story they give you and I think you will be fine and will hopefully have some fun meeting new people. Good luck

 

I don't really like online dating.
Most of my online "boyfriends" liked to use people. And I got hurt.

Then once, I tried to meet someone for a hook up (low self esteem point and wanted to feel needed) anyway... I went to where we agreed and all these cars started driving past and then these vehicles slowed down and kept pulling up to the curb. So I got out of there quick.

Never again

 

There certainly are a lot of horror stories with online dating, with people wanting only one thing, etc. However, I’m old enough to remember the hook-up culture of the ‘70s, (check out the film « Looking for Mr. Goodbar » starring Diane Keaton to get an idea of what it was like).

Fact is, dating horror stories are not the exclusive domain of online dating...as with dating in general, a little common sense goes a long way: when finding someone interesting, get offline as soon as possible, meet for the first time in a public place, and don’t tell everything about yourself all at once, listen carefully, etc. This applies to ALL dating.

Now, there are certain advantages to online dating, to cite the latest research, and for the LGBT community, it saves a lot of guesswork as to who is gay, etc. Moreover, it is generally recognized that one has to encounter a lot of people before finding someone suitable, online dating just makes the process more efficient (which does indeed give the impression that it looks like a meat-market), however, as the article linked-to above states, it also expands the field of possibilities, taking one outside those well-worn social circles and even outside one’s familiar culture...and the evidence is clear: the relationships that come out of these meetings are stronger.

 

I have to say I've never done it and even if, G*d forbid, I was somehow thrust back into the dating scene I don't think I would. But that's just a matter of personal preference and the fact that I don't feel like it would be necessary in my circumstances. As far as the safety thing I think it's like anything in life. There are risks, you balance them against the rewards, take what reasonable precautions you can and move forward with what you want to do. Nothing's really safe. In the end the only thing that will surely kill you is life.

 

I for one think the final statement goes a bit far. If you actually read the paper the way they mathematically define "strength" of a relationship is truly bizarre and, at least to me, it doesn't seem to map onto the notion of what most people think when they envision the strength of a relationship in any way, shape or form.

 

I've always felt a great deal of anxiety around apps and dating sites. They are so not for me. I agree with all that you wrote above.

 

Fair point, OGS, the article that I linked to above is sketchy on the strength of relationships that start online. I did a little more research and I found this study whose results are stated as follows:

"Results indicated that of the continuing marriages, those in which respondents met their spouse on-line were rated as more satisfying than marriages that began in an off-line meeting. Moreover, analyses of break-ups indicated that marriages that began in an on-line meeting were less likely to end in separation or divorce than marriages that began in an off-line venue."
​

The paper does a decent job controlling for demographics and socio-economic factors, it appears that their observations are sound.

 

I've been apart of dating sites but haven't met anyone in person. I think online dating is just as safe as dating new people you just met in real life. I hear paid for sites are better. Just be savvy, read some safe online dating guides, etc. I think people have a point though about the concentration of types of people.

Personally, I don't think dating in this way is my thing. Talking with someone for months before dating is more my thing. I think I would rather invest in social situations doing what I love, develop friendships naturally with people there, and if I happen to click with someone single, then spiffy.

 

It's as unsafe as you allow it to be. In other words, if you stick a profile on the first (most popular) site you come across, go into it with rose tinted glasses and high expectations and get carried away; losing all sense of rationale when someone pays you a bit of attention, you will set yourself up for a very great fall. It sounds like the sort of thing only a very naïve person would do, but I have to say, it happens so many times. Unfortunately people go into online dating with no clear boundaries and just throw caution to the wind and that's both silly and unsafe.

I live in part of the UK that has a very limited gay scene, so I did use online dating and that's how I met my husband 14 years ago. Before my husband, I met other guys through the internet and it was very much a case of separating the wheat from the chaff. Some were decent and wanted a relationship, so we dated for a time, while others wanted only one thing (they didn't get it). I expected all of this though and didn't become despondent about it. I saw it as part of the dating game.

I would never agree to meet at, or go back to his place on the first, second or third date. Before I'd do anything like that I wanted to be sure that he had good intentions and wasn't a liar or maniac. I also made sure at least one trusted person knew where I was heading and agreed to text or call to let them know all was okay. Sounds reasonable and sensible, but many people don't even take these most basic precautions when they do the online thing.

I'm not as negative about online dating and apps as some people. I totally understand the reservations and I share some of them, and I do agree that it's better to meet people in social situations wherever possible. If you live in an area with good connections and a decent LGBT community you should certainly explore this avenue first, but we don't all live in such places.

Some websites and apps are notorious for hook ups and should be avoided - that's why you should do your research first, but it's also your responsibility to be clear about what you want (both in your profile and in person) and be very sensible. Online dating becomes more unsafe when we make it so through our own stupidity.

 

I tried it and it really isn’t my thing. I chatted back and forth with a couple different women. Then one woman seemed to have an interest in me. We did meet on a few occasions, she was very different in person than how she portrayed herself in emails. It caused me a great deal of stress really. I don’t think it something I will ever do again. I’m sure it works for some people but I guess I’m a little old fashioned.

 

I have never had a single date even, not even a very casual high school date for a social event (e.g., prom). So I don't qualify as any sort of expert.

That said, thinking of safety, it occurs to me that I have not yet heard of any ugly newsworthy on-line dating horror story. That's not to say it has not happened, or that it can't happen, of course. One needs to be careful, of course. But, at the same time, I have heard plenty of horror stories about hookups arranged on-line, such as via a hookup app on a phone. I've heard stories of people getting robbed, raped, and maybe even murdered during or after a hookup.

 

It's interesting seeing this study's result. Partly, I think, because I sense there is a negative perception (at least in some circles) with on-line dating.

It will be interesting to see what future studies say. It sometimes seems like a study comes out, and then a new study comes out two weeks later that totally repudiates the first study...

Also...on-line dating is so comparatively new. We can find data for, say, 20 years ago...but what will the data at 30, 40, 50, 60 years say?

 

All of your comments here have been so valuable and poignant, so thank you everyone.

I wanted to share my update with you. So about 4 days ago, I decided to bite the bullet and give the online dating thing a try. I chose one specifically catering to lesbians (there's so many like that now). With much trepidation, I made a simple profile and put up 3 photos. Here's my experience 4 days in.

The bad: let me say I'm shocked at the sheer number of crazy or scary looking people. I don't mean this with respect to their appearances but their actions, such as putting up photos of making weird facial gestures, snearing, sticking tongues out, etc. Yuck! There are way too many of these crazy types to count. Another bad thing is that the same profiles keep showing up even when choosing very broad filtering parameters, which in this particular app means that there's not yet a large enough pool of people using it.

The good: I've actually been matched with some very nice ladies, and have been texting regularly with a few of them the last 4 days. Tonight I had a telephone conversation with one of them. They're all local people and most are open to being friends first and seeing where it goes, which is what I want (to take it very slow). I have been very careful to keep my anonymity...only first names, and other means of making sure I don't drop clues that would make someone know details about my life before I'm ready for that.

Overall, it hasn't been as horrible as I thought (once I got used to ignoring the crazy ones). Obviously it doesn't mean much as it's only 4 days in, but I'm glac I took the leap, even if only to conquer another fear. Reading the pros and cons that you all wrote on this topic really did help me put things into perspective. Thank you friends! I'll keep you posted. ❤️

 

I’m glad it’s going well, yeah the dating pool can be pretty small depending on where you live so I would sign up to more than one as you should notice different people on each. Some sites / apps are better than others. You can easily delete your account if the site is rubbish. Good luck

 

Hey I know I'm a little late to the party and I have a girlfriend so you are all going to think oh it's ok for me and don't get me wrong I'm not saying that online dating is the greatest thing ever but I think it totally has its place and sometimes I think it gets some bad press. Sure there are some undesirable people on there but there are also undesirable people in workplaces and certainly in bars and clubs. You have to be careful sure and watch out for red flags or overly clingy people and perhaps there is a slightly higher percentage of them there but there are also genuine people looking to date you just have to stick with it. You could spend 2 nights a week going to bars and clubs and chat to loads of people and not click with any of them, that doesn't mean you should never go back just that you have to keep looking.

 

I live in coastal Maine, and when I drive to work in the morning, I see all of the same cars with all of the same drivers. Once I put my face up on a dating site, I can expect at least one if not two people at working saying, Hey, saw your profile! Or worse. It's a goldfish bowl experience. It makes me especially nervous to identify as gay in this particular goldfish bowl, since toxic masculinity is the order of the day here in moose-and-lobster land.

But ######### -- probably because they charge a chunka change for the service -- has been safe and effective for me.