Last week I told my girlfriend that I didn't feel good about our relationship. She insisted that we not break up, and also told me that if I were to break up with her, that she would never speak to me again. I agreed to it because honestly, I have no good friends but her and all of my friends know her pretty well, and I really do care about her a lot and I want to make sure that she's doing alright. I was afraid that ending the relationship would be bad for her mental health and I didn't want to hurt her. But today! She comes to me telling me our relationship is toxic (which, FYI, is exactly what I told her) and that we shouldn't talk for a while (I was given absolutely no space to push back against this unlike I let her last week). Now me? I feel absolutely great! This is what I wanted to do! The only problem? I don't want to go back to talking to her. Ever. Or any of the friends I introduced her to, which is all of my friends (and by the way, she never gave me the opportunity to associate with hers). Should I talk to her and my friends again at some point, being happy not dating her anymore and having absolutely no one to talk to, or should I go back to a relationship that I have been unhappy in just so that anyone will consider me their friend?
Hello, Firstly, I want to say well done for escaping a toxic relationship! It is a very mentally challenging thing to do but it seems like you got a lucky escape. My advice would be to definitely not get back into the relationship, because it was unhealthy and having a negative impact on your mental health which is never okay, your health and well-being comes first. You should never stay with someone just because you are worried about their mental health or what they will do if you split up with them, that isn't helpful for anyone involved. If you feel your relationship with someone is toxic and that their ill mental health is the only thing keeping you from breaking up with them then you should let a close friend or family member to them know exactly what is going on and then break up with them, it is no longer your problem and anything that happens afterwards is not your fault. Sure, you might care about her, but if the relationship wasn't healthy and was damaging to anyone involved, it is not worth salvaging and although it may be difficult now, in the long run splitting up and breaking off contact will be the best option for both of you. In terms of your friends, this is slightly more difficult to gauge. Do you actually like and get along with them (and feel your relationships with them are healthy and solid)? Or is it a case of being friends with them because they are your 'only options'? If the former is true then don't let your ex control who you can be friends with or ruin a good thing by stopping you from keeping in contact with people you love. If the latter is true then you should stop being friends with them too, this may also be the easiest option in terms of making sure you have no ties with you ex any more. Friends shouldn't never be chosen out of convenience, a friendship should develop naturally (not be forced) and maintained because you genuinely love and care for them and enjoy being around them. My advice for finding new friends would be maybe getting a job in an environment with like-minded people, perhaps of a similar age so that you know they will have things in common with you, or join a club/class for something that interests you where you will meet people. Even going on nights out and getting the numbers of people you meet (which doesn't have to be romantic, I have probably gotten the contact details of and stayed in contact with far more friends than I have 'love' interests) can be a great way to make friends. Please don't worry about or feel lonely due to having few or no friends, like I said, real friendships aren't made out of convenience and so if you have no friends it isn't to say anything about you as a person it is to say that you have yet to find genuine people who are worth spending time with, that will happen eventually, don't rush it. In terms of romantic and/or sexual relationships I would suggest you don't go looking for them and just stay content in being single and finding love in yourself, that is so important. I think that relationships develop naturally and do not need to be forced. Casual sex and dating is healthy as long as everyone involved is consenting, of age and aware of the nature of your relationship, but I wouldn't advise seeking someone to be your partner just for the sake of not being alone, that's not how it works and isn't a healthy outlook to have. You will find someone one day who you love and appreciate and who loves and appreciates you in a healthy way, don't force that kind of connection. Stick to your gut and don't let yourself be manipulated and messed about, you have done really well to stay so strong and get out of the relationship, don't look back, you have made the right decision. I wish you all the best and congratulate you for getting this far. I hope this helped and if not I really apologise and hope you will get the response and/or result you need to come of this.
I'm really scared of how to tell her that I genuinely don't want to be with her anymore? Like, I tried. I tried to break it off with her. Her response that was to beg me to give it another chance and if one of the major things that I had called out happened again, that we would then take a break. She essentially told me at the time that my only options were staying with her or never speaking to her again. Now, I don't want to never speak to her again. She's a great person. But at romantic relationships, she is completely awful and hypocritical, and I can't stand it anymore. But I'm scared of hurting her with this breakup. Like a said before, she really is a great person, and I care about her immensely. I don't know how to tell her, after however long this "break" ends up being that I don't want to pursue the relationship anymore.
Ultimately it is your decision, however, personally, leaving a toxic relationship no matter how much I loved my ex (and stupidly tried to rekindle or get some type of closure with her) was the best thing I ever did. I ended up getting a proper closure and have been so much happier ever since. Break ups hurt. It's just a fact. You can't really sugar coat it. If she is guilting you to stay, sticking through the relationship is t going to improve. I'd just be honest and list the reasons why YOU can't stay for your own health.
Yeah, I did that last night and now is being passive aggressive, and pretending like I never existed even though we were best friends before we dated. She told me to not to talk to her unless she told me to. While I kind of understand why she might want to do that, that's pretty much proof that I made the right decision. I keep fearing that I made the wrong decision, but the fact that I was terrified of how she was going to react is indicative enough that I did the right thing.
She is now telling me that my problems with the relationship are my own fault because I didn't break up with her sooner, and that it's my fault that she made bad decisions in the relationship. The whole thing is just. Yikes.
