Hey everyone, Thanks in advance for any advice! I'm in a new 6 month relationship that I couldn't be happier in. Im 33, gay, and am with my first boyfriend. I have very little dating experience but consider myself emotionally quite mature. I only recently came out last summer and my boyfriend only came out a year ago. Were an open couple and I'm fully out. We are exclusive and I trust him completely - we share a pile of mutual friends (we met through a mutual best friend) and he gives me no red flags in regards to not being faithful. I have some sexual experience from the past two years when I wasn't out, but nothing too crazy adventurous. He's only had a few partners as well. The relationship has been amazing so far. we're inseparable. He was the one who felt he was ready for a relationship and asked me out and he was the one who said I love you first a couple months back. He is thoughtful, typically very respectful, and openly says he sees a permanent future with me. My question revolves around tonight. We were out with a few friends grabbing a few drinks (no one got drunk - had about three each) when our one friend said she had a threesome last week. My boyfriend asked me if that was something I was into / thought was sexy which kind of caught me off guard and I said I had never really considered it, but no. He said he thought group stuff was hot and that my friend would probably like bukkake and asked her if she knew what it was. He then said he'd "be into that" (bukkake). It really took me off guard. I know a lot (okay, most) men probably don't think the same as me - But I'm in love and could never consider having sex with anyone but my partner. I have fantasies sure, but anything Id ever want to do would all involve my partner now. It didn't hit me till now when I got home and thought about it - But that comment really hurt tbh. To state in front of a mutual close friend that he'd be into a pretty sexually adventurous sex act that was a group setting in front of me was kind of humiliating and disrespectful. We talk pretty openly about our sex life and I believe were both satisfied, and he's never expressed interest in others - He has been very clear that he'd never want an open relationship or non exclusivity, but part of me worries that if he's having such fantasies that he may have not "had his fun" before we started dating and kind of feel like its a HUGE red flag for him to be saying he'd be into group sex. I feel like Im probably over reacting, but it hit me outta no where. I know he just kind of said he finds group sex / bukkake hot, but saying he'd "be into that" in front of his boyfriend is in the least pretty disrespectful and at most a massive red flag that he's still thinking of wild sexual excursions he never had. I know it was just sex talk - but it hurts to even imagine him with someone else, let alone a group of guys. I don't know how to bring up the subject with him without sounding insecure - But I kinda am tbh.
This is not the end of the world, but I think he is expressing different expectations about exclusivity. You two are not going to be likeminded about everything, so it is important to talk things out in a calm manner about the two main issues (at least for you): interest in multiple sex partners and expressing that interest outside of your private conversations. Don’t assume he is a mind reader and knows what you’re feeling. Likewise, you don’t know everything he’s thinking about. Early on you say “we are exclusive and I trust him completely...” Those statements are probably too broad, which is okay because you can’t be following someone else (boyfriend, relative, friend) all the time. Yes, trust is important, but it should be based on prior history.
Thanks for your reply. We sat sown and had a calm, mature talk. He was pretty surprised and didn't really realize he had said anything that could have upset me, but was super apologetic and was willing to talk everything out. he said they had been talking about sex and stuff they fantasize about for almost 30 minutes before I got there (the happened right when I arrived). he said it was all just fantasy stuff that'd be hot and he didn't mean to express that he actually wanted to carry any of it out - ever, just that he was open and comfortable enough with his closest friends and myself to talk about what turns him on. It was kind of just "locker room talk" with no expectations. He said nothing had changed, that he wants to be exclusive and isn't actually interested in carrying out most of his fantasies, they're just things he thinks are hot in porn / things about sometimes. He said he still imagines marrying me and is super happy with the relationship and in the bedroom, and would never do anything to jeopardize that. He also said he had drank a decent amount and was pretty tipsy.
