The last year has been such a confusing time for me. One year ago I was just a straight college guy with a girlfriend, and life was simple. I liked her, she liked me, and we would always relax together and have sex whenever we needed some stress relief. It sounds perfect on paper - but the problem was the same as all of the other relationships I'd been in. I didn't love her, and nothing about it was emotionally satisfying for me. I've had seven girlfriends, and I cared about them all - but I never loved any of them. I just felt like they were really good friends with the added bonus of being able to have the physical enjoyment of sex with them, but it always lacked emotional intimacy, and that always led to us breaking up. After that last breakup I was ready to give up and just accept that either love wasn't real, or I wasn't capable of feeling it. Then about 6 months ago, my entire world was turned upside down. Some of you might already know the story - my straight male college roommate and friend told me he had romantic feelings for me that he didn't understand, and that was ok with me. I never expected to develop feelings for him too, but confusingly that's what ended up happening. We started exploring together, which eventually led to sex. Suddenly we weren't straight anymore, and I had violated the beliefs of the religion I was raised with - which was a painful thing to realize. For the first time though, I felt emotionally fulfilled - I realized it was love. We started dating and became a bisexual couple, and shared that news with some supportive friends. It was so confusing, but so emotionally satisfying - I was finally able to experience love with an amazing guy. Over time I've gotten much less attracted to girls, and much more attracted to boys. I didn't understand what was happening, but I was content with the bisexual label still since it felt safe. I was afraid of considering being gay because of how gay people are treated by some parts of society, I didn't want someone to physically hurt me one day because of it. I talked with multiple kind EC staff members to try to understand what was going on, and they helped me see through a lot of fear and shame about that and other family related things - it helped me feel better. I needed to make sure what I felt was real, and not just feelings exclusive to my boyfriend. One of the friends we told about being a bisexual couple had asked some questions about what it was like, and he actually ended up telling me he was curious about trying it himself. He is the type of guy who will try literally anything just to see what it's like, so I still think he is straight though. I needed to know for sure how I felt, so with my boyfriend's permission I asked my friend if he wanted to experiment still, and he said yes. So we kissed for a while and experimented other ways - It confirmed what I had been afraid to admit to myself. What I feel about guys isn't a fluke, and it's so much stronger than what I used to feel about girls. I don't think I'm bisexual anymore. I'm finally ready to be honest with myself, and writing this post is a way for me to accept what I now know is true. I am gay.
I need to ask because I am confused myself. Was this really, really a more or less sudden realization, or did you always know deep in your heart you were attracted to men? Did you, before hooking up with your friend, find the thought of sex with males appealing and just supressed it, or did it genuinely disgust you?
I think it says something that you have changed your orientation to gay on EC too. It might only seem like a token change, but it's actually more significant than that because it's a self declaration of who you are and where you stand.
It was a sudden realization, I had no idea at all before that. I didn't find the idea appealing or disgusting - I just never considered it as something that was even a possible option or something I'd spent any time thinking about. So I guess it was suppressed the whole time.
Good for you, Destin! I'm so happy for you that you know what you are and can finally be happy in your own skin!
I heard on the radio today, in relation to an actor's work, to not see yourself as the completed work / thing, but to see yourself as the work / thing in progress. I don't want to confuse you, though.
Hey @Destin, Ultimately, only you can KNOW your sexual orientation. And actually defining it to others is far less important than simply being comfortable with yourself. Congratulations! I hope that this understanding gives you greater internal peace. Of course, there is a also a difference between understanding and acceptance of one’s sexual orientation. Personally, it took me two years to go from and understanding of my bisexuality to fully accepting it. I hope that your journey is much shorter so that you can get on with the truly important things in your life.
This is such a huge moment. Bigger than you may realize even now. I used to think I was pansexual... Now I cant imagine how I could ever have thought such a thing. Congrats!!!
Congrats Destin! It must have been a huge relief to finally understand yourself. I never dealt with that and reading your thread made me understand how hard was that for you. I'm so happy for you.
