Hello. I'm not really looking for advice or anything, I just have a strong desire to put my story out into the world. I've had an intense week or so of doing some serious self-reflection, and with that self reflection I have come to what for me is a major epiphany. I am by nature extremely shy, and dislike conflict. I am not an assertive person in the slightest. An extreme introvert. And its killing me. I have been out since I was 21 years old. That was 10 years ago. All my life I have tried to be liked by everyone, and have often compromised myself to do so. If other people were happy with me, then that was okay by me. My personal feelings didn't matter very much. My coming out to my family was difficult, and I found myself at times retreating back into the closet more than I care to admit. Family is important to me, so I have always had a strong desire to please them. Dating has also been a challenge. I want to date, but fear of rejection holds me back. Plus putting myself out there makes me feel exposed. I have often wondered if I am just destined to be alone and be done with it. But I am done. Over the last few weeks I have come to realize that I can't live like this anymore. I need to make a dramatic change in my life. First things first, I need to work on being more assertive. I'm not quite sure how to do that yet, and I will probably stumble from time to time. But I haven't really been happy with my life in a long time. I need to work on coming out of my shell, and to stop compromising myself. I think I deserve happiness too. As for meeting a guy, well hopefully that comes along in the future. I am thinking of finding a local LGBT group if there is one close to me, and forcing myself to meet new people with common interests. Baby steps are what I need right now. Like I said, I'm not really looking for advice or pity or anything like that, I just wanted to put this out there. So I'll reintroduce myself: My name is Jeff I am 31 years old I need to come out of my shell Writing this post is kind of scary, but I feel a strong urge to share this side of myself I am finally feeling brave for the first time in a long time
Hi, Jeff! So glad to hear you are ready to break the old patterns and start new ones! If you haven't already (and at the risk of annoying others, as this is about the 4th time I've recommended this in 48 hours), I'd strongly suggest taking about an hour and watching Brené Brown's three TED talks... "Power of Vulnerability", "Price of Invulnerability" and "Listening to Shame". The conflict avoidance, pleasing behaviors, and overwhelming desire to be liked and fear of rejection are all coming from shame, which is the root of Dr. Brown's research. These videos are potentially life-changing for those with severe shame issues, and if you find them helpful, her books "Gifts of Imperfection" and "Daring Greatly" will help immeasurably in giving you practical tools to address the issues that hold you back. And in the meantime, talking about what's going on for you, as you have done in the above post, is an excellent way to move things forward.
I hope you’re able to find an open group to begin connecting with. I’m an introvert and people pleaser too, so I get how difficult even small steps can be. Wishing you the courage you need to put yourself out there!
I am so happy for you, Jeff! You have taken a huge step! I just took that same step and am finally free from living for everyone else! Your post matches my very recent epiphany word-for-word, except that I am 61 instead of 31. I wish you the very best in finding the support you need. Your best years of authentic living are ahead!
If there is one thing that is common to those of us who have remained closeted, or withdrawn somewhat from the world (which pretty much amounts to the same thing), it is that we are people-pleasers. We hate conflict and will go to almost ridiculous lengths to avoid it. That is not a way to live. When we avoid conflict, we often think of ourselves as above conflict, as if we were too good and pure to deal with all that nitty-gritty stuff, but, in effect this means living with a certain naivete...in other words, we are so busy facing the sun that we do not see our shadows...and we all have a shadow, whether we see it or not. This is a dangerous situation, because the beast that lives within us, lives invisibly, only to present itself uncontrolled, usually in a fit of incomprehensible rage when life becomes just too much... Before you start any relationship, it would be helpful if you could do this "shadow-work" first, with your therapist, because the goal is to integrate the devil and the angel of our natures. Only then will you be respected in that hypothetical relationship, only then will you find the strength to tame not only your own nethermost beast, but your partner's as well... If you can do that, you will project to others, and even to those you love, the potential for mayhem...if you were to consciously and deliberately release that wild beast, as needed, you will have achieved what the Jungians call integration, you will act with integrity, you will defend the integrity of your soul...This is far better than the alternative, which is living as a doormat. Fact is, you need that beast in order to advance in life. You need the energy and focus that this darker side of you can summon in order to make things happen, you need this shadow in order to defend your boundaries and your values, this is the very essence of the way to love yourself; and if you can love yourself, first, you will find that being loved, and respected by others, will be much more satisfying. In your present effort to emancipate yourself, summon if you can the demon inside of you, so that you can confront your fears and your anxieties, so that you can stand up for yourself when there are threats to your integrity, you will be better off for it!
Thank you all for the very kind and supportive responses. I greatly appreciate them. Having support is a wonderful feeling. This last week has been kind of intense, but in a good way. I feel like a weight has been lifted. I still have a long way to go I know that, but I’m willing to put the work in. Shame is something I had not considered, but in retrospect it makes total sense. I guess deep down i have a sense of shame about many things about myself, which does put the people pleasing into perspective. I guess in my head it was easier to hide certain thoughts and feelings and not put myself out there so everyone else might be pleased with me, thusly I might be liked. So shame makes total sense. I found those videos interesting, so thanks for the recommendation. Good for you! I’m really happy for you, and I wish you all the best, my friend! Thank you for this. I do not have a therapist at the moment, but the thought has crossed my mind. I thought about getting one 10 years ago when I started to come out, but I never did. Looking back, I wish I had. I do get what you are saying about the beast inside us. I hadn’t paid much thought to that, but it does make sense. I do want a relationship, but I know I have to work on my relationship with myself first.
