Think my friend "acts gay", and I subconsciously judge him

I'm not really sure what I could say you didn't already say yourself - like you said this is pretty much just you being used to hiding it about yourself, so you automatically want him to hide it too. Maybe the internal rage is because you subconsciously want to let yourself act that way too but can't actually do it, so you get mad at him for being able to act that way openly and be comfortable with it?

There's nothing feminine about writing and drawing by the way - some of the best male authors in history were extremely masculine but still enjoyed writing and could use their inner feelings to write masterpieces.

This is a picture of Walt Whitman - one of the most well known American authors who wrote poetry, which is often considered the most feminine type of writing. Does he look feminine to you?



You shouldn't feel feminine just because you like writing and other creative outlets.

 

Would it be fair to say that you're feeling envious of him because he is seemingly able to express himself without fear, whereas you're scared of your identity and letting people know that you're gay? You seem to understand that your feelings towards him are unfair, and yet it's impossible to change those feelings. Even though you seem unwilling and afraid to express yourself (judging by your hiding of your sexuality), your pure honestly here is very encouraging. I think you would feel a lot better about a bunch of the things you've outlined here if you were to feel able to come out entirely. Your hate towards his behaviour seems to be rooted in your unwillingness to express yourself. I know this will be super hard, but the best case scenario would be if you could talk to him about everything you said here.

Else, you could do your best to keep your anger away from him (I mean don't let him know about it) for now. I think that as you come to accept yourself your anger towards him will fade if my last paragraph was accurate at all. Perhaps there are some LGBT+ friendly people (professional or not) that you could talk to at your educational institution? Please don't be too hard on yourself for feeling these negative things towards him. It's clear you understand that they're not fair and it's not his fault. Just by posting this it shows that you want help with these feelings and you want them to change.

Also, even if he is feminine, doesn't mean he's gay. There are masculine women who aren't lesbian as well.

 

I really feel for you man. I went through some of the same emotions toward my more masculine/tomboyish friends when I was trying to accept not being a cishet girl. I was fearful and biased against androgynous, outspokenly queer people. But it gets better with time and self-acceptance.

First of all you should keep in mind that there is absolutely nothing wrong with being feminine. Societal bullshit aside, there is nothing wrong with you or your friend for liking men or having stereotypically feminine hobbies. Maybe you should start small and dip your toe into some of your more feminine interests in a low-pressure environment. That helped for me- I used to feel a lot of shame about showing any sort of masculine side, but I kept pushing and saw that my world didn't implode or anything, so it got easier.

And also, don't be afraid to take it easy on yourself. You don't have to struggle with your internalized hate 24 hours a day. If you need to find a distraction go ahead, even if it isn't productive or doesn't make you feel anything yet.

 

As a gay man who was closeted for decades of my life (I came out at 47), I completely understand your feelings. Many of us have done the same thing while in the closet, me included. I simply avoided anyone I thought was gay, or those who exhibited what I thought were feminine qualities.

Yes, I do think this stems from jealousy - that he is able to be himself without fear and suppression, and meanwhile you struggle to hide yourself. So what's keeping you in the closet? What is preventing you from coming out like you seem to want to?

 

I get that. Really I do. That's exactly what I did. I felt like I had to be the good boy, doing what was expected of me. I thought I was supposed to date girls, get married, have kids and live a "normal" life. The part I didn't consider was how I was going to feel about those choices 20 years down the line. I didn't consider how suppressing myself for so long was going to mess me up. I didn't realize that I was going to become depressed by living a false life. And I didn't consider the damage I was going to be doing to my wife, and how I was robbing her of her chance to marry a man who could love her as only a heterosexual man could love her.

I know you want to please your family and not disappoint them. I know this isn't easy. I can only tell you that at my age, 49, things will look much different to you than at your age. As difficult as coming out will be, living with regret so many years later is even more difficult. You may not be able to see that clearly, but please trust those of us who have been in your shoes so long ago, a lifetime of regret is much harder than facing the truth now.