So, my friend invited me to her birthday party that is in two days. I have this awkward feeling about everything. (I'm trans ftm, not out and look girly bcs i'm scared to cut my hair or behave like a boy). I want to go because she is my friend but as i said i feel awkward when boys and girls are around. What i want to say is girls will wear makeup and probably will come in dresses and you know, boys will look at them. I can't do that, i can't behave or look like a girl. I hate myself and i just don't feel confident going anywhere. I don't go in public or go out with friends. I feel quilty 24/7 because i'm not like other girls. I know what will happen if i go there. I would just sit somewhere and won't talk to anybody. (maybe you will understand how i feel if you ever felt like that). I hate makeup, girly clothes and my body. Everytime when i think about boys look me or compliment me something like "Ur sexy" it feels disgusting. What should i do? Sorry, i realy couldn't explain better.
I didn't realize it until afterwards, but i don't think you transition when you're ready, you transition when you have to cause you can't stand it otherwise...you can make small changes that will help w/o going on T or having top surgery even if you're too scared to be out right now. Though if you have even one trusted friend, i would recommend being brave and telling them. The scariest stuff is often the most rewarding. Though coming out does come with its own risks. Just don't tell somebody you aren't totally sure will accept you. I was sure my dad would accept me as lesbian but i was still scared to tell him. Anyways...what i've done so far is wear exclusively men's shirts, bought and wear a binder at work, picked out a new name for myself, and at home when i'm alone i'll pack with rolled up socks cause ordering a real packer while i live at home just seems awkward af. I want to cut my hair soon too. I know i'll get backlash for it but i've always hated my long hair i just put up with it cause my mom loves and envies my hair. I also want to ask for them to change my name at work but i'm scared to do that too. So i guess my point is, anything worth it is gonna be scary, but it sounds like you would benefit from even just a change or two that would move you towards transitioning, even if you can't fully transition right now for whatever reason. Just to add, you don't have to like makeup or boys or dresses. You can try presenting as a tomboy, maybe? I mean its socially acceptable. Just an idea, if you don't want to come out right now. For the party. Cause that's what prompted this.
I have no experience of this but, if you did go, maybe it would help if tried to hang out with the guys more and tried to join in with their conversations? I dont know. Dont wear makeup and if anyone questions you on it just say you’re trying out a more natural look or something? To be honest, pretty much any birthday party is hell for me as I hate them generally. Sorry you are having to go through this.
Thanks for advices, i'll keep that in mind. I live in a small place and there aren't tomboys so i would be only one. That's kinda scary and if i go dressed up as a tomboy on that birthday she will be surprised because i tried best of me to act like a girl. Never behaved as a boy.
Yeah i prefer chatting with boys more because that feels more natural to me (bcs i feel like a boy inside). But they are a bit older and i never talked to them because i don't go out like my friends do. I barely have friends. So i would feel like a complete stranger at the party. It's so hard for me always lying that i'm ill, just to avoid ppl. I just can't stop having bad thoughts.
Oh i just saw your location, you live in Madrid. I guess its more traditional over there? Granted i think if i showed up to an event in a suit i'd still get looks...idk if that translated but 'tomboy' is just a stereotype its not a gender identity, it refers to a girl (who identifies as a girl) who acts like a boy - pants and a t-shirt, hangs out with boys, likes stereotypically guy things like sports or video games, etc. For now, i think my family just thinks i'm a tomboy, and my dad's just oblivious haha.
Update: Sry bcs i'm writing about this but. Like i said 2 days ago, i'm now at that birthday party and i'm feeling like sh*t. I hate myself even more now. I'm just sitting on couch and everyone around is dancing. They are constantly asking me why i don't dance with them. I can't take it anymore. Want to die rn.
Is everything okay now? Did you get through it? Pretty much all of my friends are women/female, and at least half of us wear no makeup. All of us rarely wear dresses. You should be safe to wear no dresses and makeup, no one should think you are trans just because you don't do those things. Perhaps you could take it slow and gradually stop wearing makeup and gradually transition to wearing less feminine clothes? Will it feel more comfortable for you to take it really slowly in stopping pretending to be a woman? You don't have to straight up come out and change everything about the way you act in one go if you don't want to. I'm sorry if I said anything ignorant or offensive in this post, I am not trans myself. Just trying to help since no one else has posted anything since the birthday party yet.
Thanks for the reply. I started thinking about getting a short haircut and buying maybe unisex clothes a while ago. Funny thing is that first and definitely last time i wore makeup was for my prom.
