Hi - this is my first post and it seems like a good place to put it. I'm in my late 30's and in the middle of a divorce from my wife of fifteen years. I have two daughters who I get to see most weekends. I'm unemployed and looking for work (until last May, I was a pastor). I'm depressed. I'm also bi. Or gay. Or something. I first came to terms with my sexuality about two years ago. My earliest indications is that I might be queer were in the fifth grade. I come from a religiously conservative family - my dad used to say that we were "socially liberal and theologically conservative." I pushed away the possibility that I was queer because of fear and guilt. I was afraid of Hell. I was afraid of AIDS. I realize now that I spent the last couple of decades hiding in plain sight. As difficult as my divorce is, I also see it as an opportunity for me to reinvent myself and to live a more authentic and fulfilling life. I often think about what Jesus says in John 8:32 - "You shall know the truth and the truth shall set you free." What Jesus doesn't say is that first the truth screws up your life, evicts you from it and then you're free. I do believe that my life will get better in the long run, but right now things are really hard. I don't want to hide anymore. I want to discover and be me. And yet I often feel lost and alone. I'm out to a few people, but because of where I live, most of the people I'm out to are heterosexuals. I live in a small town in rural Colorado. While I know a handful of queer people in town, there really is no community to speak of. The closest gay bar is an hour away. Denver has a thriving scene, but it's three hours away. My ex and I were together for 18 years, so I've never used a dating app and ###### intimidates me. A friend told me that I owe myself anonymous gay Craigslist sex but I'm not sure I'm ready for that - it seems to me like something really risky to do (advice?). I want to date men, but dating also seems terrifying - I don't have any experience dating men. Anyway, thanks for this space and I look forward to getting to know all of you.
Hey ANewHope4, Welcome to EC. Thank you for sharing your story with us. It not only helps you, but also helps others find that they are not alone with their situation as well. I can certainly say that I am in a similar situation as you, as I am also learning how to accept myself for who I am, and can relate to some of the things you said as well. Some advice that I can give you is that you shouldn't just go out looking for gay sex just because your friends told you to. Sex is supposed to be a thing that you do with people you trust and love, not just some random person from craigslist of all places. You won't get AIDS just from having gay sex, or having a relationship with a man. You won't go to hell just for being bisexual, God loves you just the way you are. (I'm horrible at giving advice so if any of this seems off feel free to disregard xd) I hope you find closure in this site and continue to ask questions and interact with other people, as I find that helps me a lot. Hope to talk with you again soon! -k
Thanks for the welcome Keith587! I'm blessed to have a really good therapist, but I'm also discovering that I need community, which can be really hard to find. I believe that now. One of the advantages of coming out later in life is that I don't have the same fears about whether God loves me or not. Prior to my acceptance of my queerness two years ago, I was in a process of seeking God and surrendering. One of the things that I had to surrender to was that I also desire sexual and romantic relationships with men. In my experience, the voice that told I'm queer, was the same voice that told me I belonged at the front of a church. I don't know whether that was the voice of God or an inner voice of truth, but my spirituality and sexuality are intertwined. I was afraid of hell and AIDS in the fifth grade and middle school when I experienced the first indications that I might be gay. I was afraid of hell because of the religious community I lived and grew up in. I was afraid of AIDS because I was a pre-adolescent and adolescent in the early 90's and took sex ed in the aftermath of Magic Johnson's announcement he had HIV. I recall terrifying videos in sex ed class about AIDS and the fact that it was seen as a death sentence back then. I realize now that nothing I did back then would have lead to AIDS, but it terrified me. I think that's great advice and pretty much describes me where I'm at. There are days I REALLY want a man, but I also don't want my first time to be with a stranger - I want it to be with someone who I trust and care about. Unfortunately, there are few opportunities where I live to meet someone and make those connections with. I'm not ready for another committed relationship, but I'm also not ready for anonymous sex either.
I totally understand where you are coming from!!! I’m older and recently out to a few. I want to find someone to share my life with, but there are times I think about an anonymous hookup. I know I’m gay , but have never been with a guy. I think going to a gay bar or a Pride event is a good start, not to hookup, but to start a conversation with someone who is also gay. Hopefully the physical part comes down the road, but I really don’t want to be that desperate. Bottom line, I don’t think meaningless gay sex is the answer... finding someone is more important and the physical part will happen eventually. I looked on Craigslist and honestly it scared the hell out of me. I guess I’m just not that bold. Good luck and we are all here to support each other!!!
Hi, and welcome. It sounds like you've got a pretty good picture and some great support in terms of therapy for yourself, and that's a huge plus. You definitely don't owe it to yourself or anyone else to have anonymous gay sex, and whomever told you that... sheesh. Nor would I recommend the hookup apps... not all gay men are skanks who only want sex. Many are no different than our heterosexual counterparts, who only want normal, healthy relationships. So don't let anyone talk you into anything simply because "that's what gay people do," as it isn't true. One of the best things you can do is just keep talking about what's going on for you. And that's one of the great things about EC... it's a great community for people to share and support each other.
I appreciate the affirmation that I don’t need to run out and bang the first willing guy I see. I had one gay friend send me a link to a hook up app when I came out to him. I once tried online sex chat and I felt really dirty (and not in a good way.) I don’t judge those who are promiscuous - after fifteen years of marriage, I’m not sure I want another completely monogamous relationship again. But it’s scary to finally pursue the kind of sex that was off-limits for decades and I’d like my first time to be with someone I trust and care about.
Just continue being yourself. You aren't being forced to find someone right away, and you especially aren't being pressured to have sex. (if people are pressuring you to do any of these things you need to cut them out of your life like right now.) Once you find someone that you think would fit your life, be it male or female, just go about it like you normally would. You don't have to pursue sex, and your first time should definitely be with someone you trust. Also, don't do online sex chat, a bunch of weirdos there. (unless you want to, but if it makes you feel weird don't do it.)
Sigh...I wasn’t that great at dating at 18, we’ll have to see if I’ve gotten better twenty years later. Yeah...I learned my lesson.
I'm sorry you had to give up your career. It breaks my heart that this is where our society is. I'm mom to a gay teen, and we decided to leave our church when we realised he would never be fully accepted and able to participate. It seems that churches are happy to have us so long as he doesn't stand out, bring a friend or basically (be gay). Our faith has taken such a hit. He won't pray at dinner any more. I keep reminding him that entire denominations are changing their views, and that God still loves him even if the church doesn't. This is so hard. I wish you well in your job search, and I believe if you continue to honor God in your life he'll move mountains and find you that right person!
Thanks, Tessie. I didn’t step down from ministry because of my sexuality. There were other reasons that had to do with working multiple jobs, family stuff, etc. I’d like to pastor again at some point, but I think I need some healing first because I’m kinda mess right now. My conference minister is aware of my situation and very supportive. I was very much in the closet when I was a pastor. My congregation had no idea and I wasn’t at a place where I could admit it to myself. I was most affected by it personally a few years ago when several families left the congregation after our regional conference lisenced a lesbian for pastoral ministry. While my denomination maintains that sex is reserved for heterosexual married couples and still does not officially support gay and lesbian pastors, pastoral credentials are held by regional conferences and the national denomination can’t do much about it. Over the past few years, we’ve lost about 30% of the membership because conservatives feel that the denomination isn’t doing enough to keep LGBTQ Christians out and so are leaving. And yet at the same time, the national denomination refuses to recognize our gifts and what we bring to the church. What’s been most painful to me personally is when congregants who I cared about and loved would complain to me about how Satan was using queers to destroy the church. They assumed I was straight and yet I felt hurt knowing what they might think if they knew the truth about me... I think an advantage that I’m not a pastor for the time being is that I now have the space and freedom to figure my own crap out. I’m not responsible for anyone else’s spiritual well-being. I don’t have to stand on somebody else’s pedestal and live up to their unrealistic expectations. I believe that I’m being prepared for something that I don’t know yet what it is, but I also think I need this time. I’m going through major shifts from publically identifying myself as straight to coming out of the closet. I’m dealing with the end of my marriage. I’m dealing with the loss of vocation. It’s a lot and I’m trying to trust that God isn’t finished with me and to be patient that it’s ok that I’m in this season. Transformation ain’t easy, you know.
