Getting ready to tread rough water

Well, I am going to lay this out here, and see what kind of feedback might come my way. I am out to my family, and years of marital troubles with my wife, she has let several people know (though she never wanted to end the marriage). I have also spent a lot less effort to conceal my natural effeminate mannerisms . A last big hurdle to cross is my coworkers. I work for a small company. I am laying the groundwork for a job change, because I can't imagine being open where I am at . I have one particularly close friend, that I am sure will no longer want to be friends once I come out. He is very conservative , though he does have gay friends and family and when we have argued about gay issues he makes a point to say he doesn't agree with some of the political positions of gays (be gay all you want as long as I don't see it). He has on a few occasions hinted that he has suspicions about me. We have shared some deep stuff, I know about his failed 3 marriages(all by age 31), 2 other failed relationships, issues he has had with hi girlfriend of the last 10 years. I also know that he was molested by his cousin. And he has admitted that he has occasionally had dreams involving gay sex and this bothers him. I will also add that his longtime girlfriend is not at all feminine, and he has told me they haven't had sex in a few years. Despite a rough judgemental exterior, based on the life he lived he is a redeemer. He is always trying to help his friends and family out, save people from themselves etc.

I think he will be angry with me for not telling him earlier, maybe he wouldn't have allowed himself to become so close to me. I'm prepared for the fallout for telling him I'm gay. I wonder if I should tell him another fact. Over the years, I have fallen deeply in love with him. In fact, he is the reason I finally realized I couldn't go on living the lie. I can deal with sexual repression. But I realized I would rather be alone if I can't be with a man. I want to share my life in a whole relationship or none at all. If he accepts me without knowing how I feel, then I still have an undercurrent in our friendship. Also, some of the things he told me make me wonder if there is a possibility that he has hidden questions about himself. What about the slim chance he actually feels similar ? Anyway sorry for the lengthy post. Any feedback is appreciated.

 

This is where I think I am headed. If coming out doesn't run him off, I may have to go the next step and confess. Because it gets hard to be so close and not have it be any more than what it is now. I don't think its healthy for either of us.

 

I may be adding 2 and 2 and getting 5 here. I just find it strange that he is so sensitive to gay stuff. It all could be circumstantial evidence though. And if he did confess to any homosexual inclinations, it doesn't mean at all that he feels for me what I do for him. I have had this issue since I got married to my wife of developing close relationships with apparently heterosexual men , and eventually developing crushes on them. This is definitely more intense and long lasting than any of the others though.

 

Well I have decided that I need not tell him my feelings, at least not right now. We will see how it goes. I not really worried about losing friends by coming . Certainly people might feel I lied, well yeah I did. That's on me. If they don't like me simply for being gay, I don't need them in my life. I'm not necessarily going to leave my company either . Word got around I was looking for other work, and then the vice president called me into her office to ask me why I might want to leave, didn't want to lose me etc. Gave me a 9.5% raise. I told her that I may just need a change looked like I was getting divorced yada yada. She said she understands, hopes that I am alright, feel free to talk to her. Great, but what she doesn't know....well, then she says, "I don't know how to approach this, but...you and I know a lot of the same people, outside of the company. When I took over for my dad, I had probably 10 people say what a great guy you are. And they were right. You are a great employee. There seems to be a belief by several people who know you, grew up with you, or know your family, that you are gay, or bisexual, I don't know if that's true and has anything to do with the divorce ." My heart did little palpations, and I could feel butterflies in my stomach. I just blurted out, " yup. I'm gay ." I went on to tell her I just didn't feel I could really feel comfortable being out at the company and she said she understood, but she said that we have several LGBTQ persons in the company. I said I know 4 counting me. She said try 9, out of 60! She said she won't share that info with anyone, but I should feel secure should I decide to open up with people. I know my wife has been telling people for years, but most people know she has issues and may not believe her. Last night I took another step. I was feeling went and changed my relationship status to seperated months ago, but I changed my preference to men.