So, I live in an ordinary town in England. Today I had a somewhat disturbing incident, akin to many I've had before. In the past, all of the similar incidents were two or more people turning to look at me while talking among them selves, laughing and smirking. They'd usually look away when I stared back. There was always the sense of them mocking me or else being homophobic accusingly or else just being critical. On a few of the occasions I've said something provocative back. Despite me not being big and them being bigger and more numerous. Nothing then would come of it because I'd caught them in the clearly human but rudely human mocking act and they knew it. Whether I said something or not, nothing more came of it... They might do the same again later, but if they did then I'd give them the look and they'd stop, or else I'd make it look like I'd had enough, or I might loudly say something. Anyway, today I went into one of the cafes I frequent. Waiting at the counter to order, I noticed a 30ish year old bald guy sitting and turned looking in my direction. Well, close by were the cakes so I thought he might be looking at those. But I senses it wasn't that. So, I looked, and he was looking at me. His companion, another 30ish+ guy was talking to him and also looking at me... I begin thinking and confirming if they are indeed talking about and looking at me... So, I look at the bald guy who is the nearer of the two to confirm, and he is indeed looking at me... And he keeps looking at me. I feel discomfort about the whole thing. And he was sort of smiling - I don't know why. I had the sense that it was homophobic or being critical in some way. Neither of them were appealing to me by the way... I began to wonder if I knew either. I began to wonder if they were a gay couple or a couple of gay guys. If they were then that would have been OK. Well, they didn't look gay - I know, I know, but you get what I mean. But they were looking at me just like two other guys had in there a couple of weeks ago. That previous time the two other guys had been workers on a break dressed in yellow workers trousers and jackets. That previous time I knew they were being accusatively homophobic and mocking and my staring back did the job. Yeah, despite them being two burly men I stared them into stopping. I don't think I said anything that time but I sure wanted to. Well, anyway, back to today, so it was two guys dressed casually sitting at a table in a cafe. They had coffee probably. I didn't look that hard to see.. So, after what seemed like 5 seconds of the bald guy sitting there turned around still staring at me, him now smiling and not looking away despite my giving him the look back, I'm ready to say something. He says nothing, but keeps looking. So, I say loudly, "have you got something to say?" He then turns back to face his companion. And I say loudly now to him and the other guy, "have you got something to say?" And I pause before saying loudly again, "I didn't think so." Neither of them said anything nor looked at me any more. I turned away. I had felt uncomfortable from beginning to end. I ruminated over it. I still felt unnerved and disturbed by it all. I then began wondering if I'd been rude... Well, surely if he hadn't been looking at me then he'd have said something after I'd said what I'd said... But this time I wasn't certain if he / they had been being mocking / homophobic or not. OK, it could have been two people who thought they knew me, or one had been a patient, but neither said anything... I had had a woman looking at me in that same cafe a couple of months earlier and after a while she asked me if I worked in the department I work in at the hospital I work in. Its all very uncomfortable, but neither of these guys said anything... Now, I'm wondering if the shaven headed guy had been a patient after all... Oops, I don't know. It just all seemed like just another couple of men being mocking / homophobic... Perhaps on this occasion I hot it wrong... I guess I will have to start being more careful in how I react in these situations... I might have got it right today... But then again I might have got it wrong. What do you think? And do you get mocking / homophobic stares like I do get sometimes? I had the same happen in childhood and youth. What also makes me think badly of people who look and stare at me is that people around where I live talk amongst themselves about others. I don't know any of them but there are mean people around where I live. So, it was in my mind that these guys might have been from around where I live. Anyway, I was disturbed by this today from the very start, even before I said something. I get pissed off of people being mean to me and about me. But maybe on this occasion, despite thinking that the guy was being mocking or homophobic, I should have said nothing or else said, "do I know you?"... The thing is it didn't seem friendly being looked at like that, and the smile was odd, and he didn't say anything... Thanks for reading this.
Tough call. If they were definitely staring at you (which is invasive, impolite, and inappropriate), then I think your calling them on that wasn't inappropriate or rude. It might also get them to think about their behavior in the future.
Staring is rude. Children are told not to stare because its rude. Adults should know better. I don't like people staring at me, even if its because they find me attractive. Either make a move on me or fuck off. If I find somebody attractive, I won't stare at them, I might make frequent glances in their direction, and if I catch their eye I will smile at them and make a bit of prolonged eye contact and hopefully they will smile back, but if they don't give a favorable response, then I will turn my attention else where. I won't keep staring at them hoping they'll have second thoughts. One time I thought a lady was staring at me in the pub while I was having my lunch, and I nearly went to up to her and said something, but then I realised she was blind and not actually staring at anything.
Thanks, Chip. Thanks for reading it all - i mean because it was long. And thank you for your considered reply. It is good that I could post here rather than have to keep it to myself. I now feel less disturbed because I can get feedback rather than ruminate on having possibly gotten it all wrong this time. But if it happens again I might use different words in the exact same circumstances I mean. Now I'm able to settle on it being OK because it sure seemed to me to be me being stared at with mean intent, even if I got it wrong and it wasn't. Thank you, Chip. It sure was uncomfortable an experience, weird in fact.
Thanks, Dave. I think and act similarly to you. This incident disturbed me today. And I thank you for your reply which comforted me. I once bought a t-shirt that said, ."its rude to stare". Some people still stared. I haven't got it any more. It wore out... Probably their staring did that. I wasn't feeling so confident today so I think maybe that's why it disturbed me so much. I don't usually go into cafes when busy because this sort of thing happens more when more people are around. Well, the maths would also say the probability increases when around more people. But it always seems to happen unexpectedly.
It does seem a bit rude and I can't blame you for calling them out on it. That said I must admit that I'm a bit of a starrer myself. It's mainly either because I do take a fancy to someone or something catches my interest for some reason, i.e an item of clothing that I like. Half the time though I'm not even aware that I'm staring. Also sometimes I end up staring at someone because I'm lost in thought so I'm not even noticing the person, my mind is else where. However if someone did call me out on it I would apology and at least give a reason why I was staring such as admiring their shoes or something but yeah a bad habit.
I also dislike being stared at. The most effective way I've found to end it is to just silently stare back directly at them with a calm but unfriendly look. It weirds them out enough that they want to look away on their own.
Thank you for your valuable feedback, Bernice. Although, I don't think these guys were being like you, you do give me more food for thought.
Yes, that does work most of the tim for me. But it didn't today. Today was weird. I was feeling vulnerable at the time, too. They normally do look away quickly. 5 seconds he kept looking. 5 seconds is a long time and it seemed longer. Only when I started to say something did he turn back around to his male companion. And he never turned back to say anything when or after I spoke loudly to him. Nor did the guy with him.
You were not in the wrong at all Richard. You need to put people in there place and that's just what you did. Staring is so rude. If they thought they knew you they should have gone up to you and bought you something from the bakery otherwise they have no business looking at you. Unless they were checking you out? As for me personally I don't mind people staring at me just as long as they aren't thinking or saying anything bad about me.
Perhaps more testy than rude? I'm not the type to snap at people, but when I'm stressed and with a lot on my mind, have been known to.
I absolutely despise it when someone stares at me. Having been bullied in school, I always think the worst. Like, are they judging me? Are they talking about me (If there's more than one person staring). It makes me very uncomfortable but I don't like confrontational situations so I end up just going about my business like they're not even there. I just don't like it when people stare, especially children. It makes me super uncomfortable, especially if said child isn't smiling back when I smile at them. Talk about awkward... Lol
Thank you, again, all of you for your replies. I think I've gotten that singular event from last week in context now. I have had many very real situations in my life being bullied when young - so Ruby Dragon I know what you mean - and I've had many obvious real situations post school in which ugly boorish men passed comments among themselves about me. And whereas I used to be reserved in my responses, I now do give them the look and I do actually say stuff to them to get back at them... Its true, Andrew99, they have no right at all to act in such a way. And yet, its possible that on this occasion I did get it wrong... Yes, I was tetchy that day, Gravechild - and its possible!e on that occasion last week the the person / persons involved just appeared to be homophobic mocking men but might have actually been one or two genuinely mentally challenged individuals with actual mental ages of 6 hear olds... I'm still not certain, but I will watch out for them two individuals in the future to see if they were boorish men or if they were genuinely mentally challenged / with learning disabilities... I will be more cautious in the future because I don't like and certainly don't want to show up or say stuff to innocent people. I do, though, realise that sometimes all is not as it seems. And my own tetchiness is no excuse for getting things wrong. Whether it was a boorish man / men last week or not, I don't know still. I've never even potentially spoke out loudly like that before when I might have miss read the situation - so that unnerved me.
My sister always says, go with your first thought because it is probably the correct assumption. I believe they were indeed being jackasses because if they weren't when you asked them if they had an issue, at that exact moment if it would not have been what you first thought, they could have cleared it up and said, oh, I thought I knew you from someplace, or sorry to stare but you're cute, or anything that would have broken the ice to make what was so uncomfortable, more comfortable. So I believe you were correct in your assumption as far as thinking these individuals had issues with people who choose different lifestyle choices than them. With that said, you were right but I believe you need to learn how to deal with homophobic individuals better before you end up getting hurt. We are only in control of our own behavior, so how you choose to deal with these scared and frighten individuals about the subject of homosexuality can determine whether you make it safely home every day. One day you may come into contact with a real nut case that follows you home because of the way you choose to react to another individual that chooses to stare at you because of their issues, that has nothing to do with you at the end of the day because I assume you are happy with the choices that you have made pertaining to your life. Ask yourself why does these type of people make you so angry to the point where you actually are challenging these folks to a duel. LOL, not really a duel with weapons but yes, at the end of the day you confront these individuals in a combative way with words, fortunately nobody has been crazy enough to take their issues with homosexuality to a point of actually excepting your challenge because most people are good people to the point of knowing when to let things go. With that said, you also know that there are some folks who don't have it all, and one day if you don't get your issues together, as far as why you react to these people the way you do, you could find yourself in a position your not ready for. I mean I get it, you want people to walk away understanding that staring at somebody in a judgemental way, is not right. And when you do stare at people like that back, like can I help you, most people get it. I just want you to be aware that one day you might not meet the average mentally functioning citizen and find yourself in a position that could get dangerous. At the end of the day, people can stare at you if they choose, period. The problem comes in if they put their hands on you or if they verbally threaten you, that is when the law is broken but them just being ignorant is NOT breaking the law. You antagonizing ignorant fools is really the problem at the end of the day because the way you handle that situation could make that situation either turn into a simple annoyance on your part or a crime scene depending on whether you found the right crazy bird or not. Try self-talk the next time somebody stares at you to the point of rudeness. Say positive affirmations about how sexy and beautiful you are and how they are probably staring at you like that because they are jealous of your courage because you had the STRENTH to live in your truth and they have NOT. PEACE AND LOVE
I definitely get looks sometimes, especially when I use public restrooms. (Like honestly ladies, I'm just a law-abiding tranny trying to use the bathroom that corresponds to my birth certificate.) I'm usually not too bothered by people staring. Oftentimes I think that it's not necessarily malicious-more like they view my androgyny as a puzzle of some sort, and they're trying to figure out what i am. It's rude but understandable. But yeah, the staring-laughing combination doesn't look good. Kudos for standing up for yourself.
