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Stuck in an unpleasant circle...

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by LostInDaydreams, Mar 2, 2018.

  1. LostInDaydreams

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    Things haven't been going well at work for a little while. I really need to give work my full attention at the moment, but my ability to focus on my work is limited by the situation at home. I have so much on my mind regarding my (male) partner and my sexuality. I'm exhausted. I feel like I'm just struggling through work at the moment. I don't seem to have the energy I need to turn it around.

    However, I need work to be in a good place in order to be able to leave him and be able to support our daughter. I'm concerned that I'm going to be jobless and dependent on my partner again, or jobless and unable to support myself. I don't want to be in either of those scenarios.

    My usual approach would be to sort work first, but that's not been working well for me. My therapist has implied that it would be better to do the opposite, i.e. speak to my partner and get myself into a place where I can focus fully on work.
     
  2. Butterflies85

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    Hey Lost - I am sorry to hear that things at work have not been good - how long have you felt that way for? Is it that you are struggling with the workload or the work itself or is stuff at home prohibiting you focusing on your work?

    It is really hard focusing on one thing when something else in our lives feels in chaos. Is it likely you will lose your job?

    Have you talked with your therapist about all the fears you have about being single and living a gay life? Have you been able to accept yourself as gay or are you still questioning?

    I definitely think you would benefit from having a plan to sort things with you husband. Personally I really struggle when the future is a blur. Even though plans change and things change, I definitely felt better when I have some direction.

    Tell me - what is your biggest fear about this whole situation? Coming out? Being alone? Having to raise your daughter alone?

    We are all here for you, its a shitty situation when everything on all ends seems to be falling apart, but I sense that you are a very pragmatic and also strong. You can do this...
     
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  3. LostInDaydreams

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    Things haven't been where they should be since December. It's a combination of everything.

    It's very possible, even probable, but not certain.

    I'm not questioning, no. We've discussed my fear around leaving my partner and it's something we're working on. Work and other things keep getting in the way of therapy, and my therapist has said she needs commitment, so I can't keep cancelling sessions due to other stuff coming up. I'm not sure we're going to be able to continue, but have said that I'm willing to do an evening or weekend session if she is available, though that will mean that I won't be able to hide it from my partner.

    I get that, but with the work situation at the moment it all feels a bit impossible.

    I do have fears around those things, and my therapist is aware and we're hopefully going to start working through it. But at the moment:
    1. That I leave my partner and then end up jobless, unable to support my daughter.
    Or, 2. That I end up unable to leave him due being jobless, so I'm as trapped and dependent as I was two years ago.

    It's the work stuff that's really weighing me down at the moment.

    Thank you :slight_smile:

    My therapist thinks I should let work know that things aren't great at home at the moment, which I am strongly considering doing, but I am not sure how much to tell them.
     
    #3 LostInDaydreams, Mar 4, 2018
    Last edited: Mar 4, 2018
  4. Lilbird

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    It sounds like your job is really important in helping you move forward. There are some strategies I use when having trouble concentrating at work. I write down everything I need to do and prioritize. I will set a timer for a task, and try to focus and finish the task in the set time. If my mind goes elsewhere, I will remind myself that I can address it in a bit. When finished with the task, I cross it off the list and give myself permission to let my mind wander to whatever is bothering me for a few minutes. I will then get some water or coffee and move on to the next task and repeat.
     
  5. Butterflies85

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    From what you say - your job seems like it needs to take priority right now. If things are rocky with your employment, it will hinder any progress you make in trying to leave your husband anyway. It is really encouraging that you are going to try and work through some things with your therapist in relation to your fears. Will it be a terrible thing if your husband finds out about your therapy? Could you tell him you're doing it because you are finding some people difficult to deal with at work?

    I definitely think it is a good idea to tell work - but I don't think you should go into detail. You could perhaps have a private meeting with your boss and let them know how much your job means to you and you realise you have been unable to work to your best ability of late. Explain that you are having marital issues but you are seeking therapy to help deal with that and then promise to make an effort to improve at work. It might be enough to cut you some slack.

    I know that when things in one part of our life is breaking down it affects other aspects. I like to do what Lilbird suggests and just do myself a to do list and don't stop until it's done. Treat it like a game in a way. Put on your work mask and just focus on that. If your mind wanders to thoughts about the future - affirm something positive like 'I'm going to be secure in my job and a great mother to my daughter and I DON'T need my husband" and then refocus. You could even something where when a thought comes into your mind you write it down and promise to come back to it when you are on your lunch break, driving home, having a shower etc. That way you are making time to focus on your home life but only when appropriate.

    You owe it to yourself to excel at work- you will never have to be dependent on your husband with a good job. Believe in yourself and prove it to yourself that you don't need him. Look for positives in little moments at work, try to make friends with your colleagues and stay strong. x
     
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  6. LostInDaydreams

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    @Butterflies85 and @Lilbird - Thank you both for your suggestions and encouragement. I'm not very good at focusing on the task at hand and shutting everything else out, but I will try.

    Yeah, this is way I see it. I get the feeling that my therapist is pushing me towards leaving my partner and being more authentic. But, what's the point of being authentic if I can't afford food and rent?

    I will try my very, very best to focus on work.
     
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  7. Butterflies85

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    That’s awesome Lost- you already sound like you are making a little plan in that you are going to focus on work. The only thing I will say is when your work situation improves make sure you are able to recognise it and then make your next steps to start dealing with the relationship and attaining your authentic life like the therapist says. When the time comes it may be tempting (even subconsciously) to use work stress as your safety net that prevents you from making the hard decisions to move forward to a new and more rewarding life.

    Here for you :slight_smile:
     
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  8. butterfly1

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    While work is important and is needed, maybe a different perspective can be had. I have had different kinds of jobs in my life. Some really were bad, some were good. But I never felt right in those jobs. I would quit and find something else. To me, things like the rent, groceries, insurance payments, these bills will always be there. 18 years ago I decided to go back to school. I had a job that was able to pay the bills and enjoy my time off (weekends, vacation, etc.). But I was not really happy with what I was doing. While going to school, it was a struggle money wise. But got through it. After getting the schooling done I am doing the kind of work that I do best. The paychecks have not always been that great. The weekly struggle to pay the bills has been there. There have been times when I didn't think I had enough money coming in.

    Yet, I have been satisfied with the kind of work I do. When things got tough I looked at other jobs that made more money. I did not take them. I stayed with what I do. Things are better now. The bills get paid. There is spending money for other things.

    What I am trying to say is that perseverance is important. Finding your place in the work place is good. Finding yourself is better.

    Standing up and deciding to keep moving forward is what is important. Perseverance helps.

    The butterfly grows and transforms within the cocoon. It struggles to get out of that cocoon. And when it emerges it is a thing of beauty. The butterfly had the perseverance to get through all it went through to become who it really is.
     
  9. LostInDaydreams

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    Thanks @butterfly1 :slight_smile:

    I do appreciate what you're saying. I feel that I need to have worked sorted before I can make changes to other aspects of my life, so that's what I am going to focus on first. I need that bit sorted before rock the boat at home. I don't think I'm going to change my perspective on this, which is one reason why I've ended therapy. Therapy feels pointless because I'm not prepared to take the actions my therapist is suggesting. It's not the only reason - we've not been able to find a time that works for both of us (how does anyone who works full-time manage to go to therapy?!) - but I've come away from the last couple of sessions feeling negative about myself and I'm getting enough of that from other places at the moment.
     
  10. butterfly1

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    LostinDaydreams- It is okay with the decisions you have made. It shows that you are taking a step forward. Building your foundation is important. Getting your self in a position of some kind of stability is important.

    I'm sorry things are so negative at this time. It seems that things are really difficult. But when you come out the other side, you may be a stronger person. Don't give up. The steps may be hard. The steps may even be so small. But as long as one is trying to take those steps, that is good.

    Just trying to encourage.
     
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