Hello there. I've had this question for a while, is dating while still in the closet worth it when you're not ready to come out? I'm currently working to make a career possible in a field that is clearly homophobic. It's one of the most homophobic places to be in basically. When I started working on it, it hadn't occurred to me I could be gay so it wasn't something that troubled me, but now it does. Despite the difficulty, I want to find a way to sustain both a work in this field -it's what I've been dreaming about for years now- and a successful same-sex relationship. I know everyone's experiences are unique and so are their conditions. I am also aware I alone have the responsibility to do my life choices, but I'd love to hear your own stories/opinions on this.
I was closeted for most of my adult life. All I wanted, as well, was a same-sex relationship. I was married to a man during most of my internal struggle, and it was hard to keep my feelings inside. After we divorced I decided to stop caring what others might think about my sexuality and I finally started to be myself. I came out a few years ago and I don’t regret it. Life is too short not to be happy. The girl that I’m dating is still very much in the closet. It’s really hard for me because she’s always worried about running into someone that she knows while we are together or she has to hide that she’s hanging out with me, etc. I really wish she was out, but I don’t see that happening anytime soon.
For me, yeah, it's worth it. It adds excitement to the relationship. But not if your partner acts so much of the opposite when you are witb other people, like maybe resenting you in public. I mean, sure we cant hold hands or be sweet in front of others, but dont act like as if you dont know me at all.
It's a challenge, and it's asking an awful lot if your partner is out... basically, you're asking him or her to go back in the closet, which is something that someone emotionally healthy is not going to be comfortable doing. Being closeted yourself also contributes to your own shame. So in general, it isn't the best idea. Now... if you can commit, to yourself and whomever you are seeing, that there's a solid timetable for coming out (and not 2 years from now, maybe 2 or 3 or 6 months), then being in the relationship can be a catalyst to coming out. And that can work for both of you. But otherwise, it can be a recipe for stress and difficulty.
Thank you all for your answers. @CuriousKitty16 Agreed, life's too short not to be happy. I'm glad you have the courage to live it as you want to. I hope you can find a way to resolve this with your partner. @azzi Good advice. I think a lot of friction and grief can come from that, it is as if you invalidate your relationship constantly, it can strain the relationship eventually. @ Chip, that's some solid advice. The problem here is that currently I feel as if I have to choose between having a career and a love life. I'm not even entirely sure I'm lesbian. This uncertainty is the reason I can't plan my future actions. This orientation 'fog' thing makes me want to believe I won't have to come out at all as I'll end up with a guy, and then the rest part of me screams I want to have a relationship with a woman because I can't live life without knowing what I like/want/desire. Then in the end, there are two parts battling and creating an emotional mess in my head and heart which is not very helpful. Because I might be gay I feel like quitting this career path, but I feel like it's the only thing I have a passion for to do for life. But is a dream career worth quitting because 'I might be' gay? Something tells me I'll be depressed if I quit it now. I don't even know what to look for if I do. Sure this thing makes me resent this working environment. But I can't stop it just like that either. Will it prevent me from finding out whether I'm gay? Maybe I'm putting too much weight and thought on something that only depends on myself. I don't know if I make sense, please ask if you want me to elaborate.
If I may ask, what field do you actually work in, what country, and even state / region? It would be very helpful for actually understanding the situation and maybe helping you find an alternative to your current work that would be more conducive to the life you desire.
@Myclosetisfull, I don't live in the USA. Because I would like to keep my identity private, I feel like writing more about that would be too much information. I can tell you whoever that it's a career with many homophobic conservative people and that isn't going to change soon. There are some supportive people around me but they don't know I'm questioning my sexuality, and if they did I don't know if they'd support me just the same. My point is, I don't know if I have to see my settling with another woman as a given and see what I can do with that, or hope I'm at least bisexual and continue. Thank you for replying. @Chip I answered above but due to a typo I'm not sure you can see it, so I mention you here so you can.
Some more info...I don't know how I'll be able to stand up for myself as a lesbian if I am not even sure I'm a lesbian in the first place. So some of my insecurity is that I don't know what to tell to myself, I don't know how I feel how am I going to exlpain it to others?
Depends on the situation. Staying private about it in the work force doesn't bother me that much because I don't expect co-workers to know about anyone's love life, including that of heterosexuals. It's not something I want to know from my co-workers. Being 100% closeted is a dealbreaker, though.
I understand why it is a dealbreaker. In an ideal society, everybody would be out and proud without any fears. In homophobic societies where homophobic bullying and harassment is a given this is something many individuals shy away from. And not always because they're naturally shy. I am out to my mother as not-straight and possibly lesbian but she's not very supportive. She was raised in a much more conservative era when teachers hit their students when they were unruly, so it's not like I'm holding my breath on when she will come around, she may never come around. I'll have to start dating other women and see where that takes me. I'm still in the paranoid state of being outed though lol Thank you for your input.
I would say yay, go for it. I see nothing wrong with dating while in the closet as long as your partner is cool with it. My current gf hadn't came completely out yet when we started dating and to this day she still hasn't came out to her immediate family (aside from her sister) although I think they suspect. I'm fine with it though, it's her life, it makes her feel content, and I understand her reasoning behind why she hasn't came out to them. So I don't really see it as an issue as long as it's what you want, you're content, and your s/o is content.
You just described my life. That's why I never dated anyone until 3 years ago... but I still do my best to keep my personal and work life/social circles completely separated. Do it. Date someone if you feel attracted to her. I haven't had much luck having a lasting relationship... but who knows. You might be able to.
I get that one in 2018 still may not be able to come out...if your partner agrees, then I say it's ok
