Questioning sexuality - very confused and want to figure it out

20 female. Very confused. Never had a boyfriend or sex, but have hooked up with boys. My family/friends are not religious at all and very open minded so no problems there. My whole life I’ve been extremely drawn to women (in movies, tv, teachers etc.) from a very young age. I become obsessed and infatuated with them. I think they’re beautiful and I love their voices and their bodies etc. I rarely noticed boys or men. I never naturally had crushes on boys, I would ‘pick’ them (usually ones I knew or was friends with) and say I had a crush on them. In school people would ask me who I liked and I always said no one – eventually I just started picking them again and I guess ‘pretended’ to be obsessed with them. I thought that’s what everyone did.

I was always a bit shy and sort of nerdy so boys didn’t ever really like me either other than friends. And I honestly didn’t care, if no one else had crushes or had elementary school ‘boyfriends’ I wouldn’t have even thought about it to be honest. Having a boyfriend was something I assumed happened to you around 13-14+. I did want a boyfriend just because it was the cool thing to do and you’re told you’re whole life that you’ll get married and have kids. I liked the idea of romance and loved it in movies etc.

Same thing in high school. No one was really that interested in me and I never pursued it. I was obsessed with certain girls in my high schooI. would stare at them and stalk them on social media and I liked to be around them. I wanted to be friends with them but they intimidated me. I still never really noticed boys. I also had to be told that people like Channing Tatum and Ryan Gosling were attractive. I also have always had trouble expressing attraction to boys like I was always so uncomfortable joining in with my friends and saying ‘this guy is hot’. It didn’t feel natural. I had no problem saying they weren’t hot, or if girls were pretty.

In 8th grade someone started a lesbian rumour about a friend and I (which wasn’t true, I didn’t have feelings for this girl) and it really messed with me. I knew being a lesbian was bad and it really stressed me out because I didn’t want to be thought of as one. I wasn’t even questioning my sexuality, I assumed I was straight.

One night I was watching a sitcom and I realised I wanted to kiss the girls more than the boys. I panicked and was like no no you can’t be gay. I tried and tried to see how kissing the boys would be nice and couldn’t see it. Eventually I did see it – or did I convince myself? – and relaxed and was like okay I could at least be bisexual and then no one would ever have to know. I didn’t think about it again for years. In 10th grade I made a new best friend. Looking back, I may have had a crush on her. I hated her boyfriend so much and got so mad when she spent time with him and not me. I also liked being alone with her, I thought she was so cool and pretty. I never imagined kissing her or anything but I was drawn to her in a way that I wasn’t my other friends. I didn’t think anything of it at the time, I just thought I really want to be friends with this girl. I don’t know if this was a real crush or not.

I continued not really being attracted to boys, just wanting a boyfriend for the status. I still stared at girls all the time and I thought it was because I wanted to be them, so this didn’t bother me. One day these girls were telling me about how their two girl friends hooked up while drunk (one of them was a girl I was obsessed with) and this blew my mind. I couldn’t stop thinking about it and would imagine it while masturbating etc. I also watched the Santana and Britney make out scene from Glee over and over. I made out with boys at parties and stuff. I was always drunk and I didn’t hate it but I definitely didn’t think it was anything special. I couldn’t imagine kissing a boy sober, I thought I’d be too uncomfortable. Sometimes I felt gross afterwards and one time the next morning I thought I don’t want to do that again for a while. I thought it was just because I was being ‘slutty’ and I was being ashamed of myself or embarrassed for no reason. I wasn’t a prude so I couldn’t understand my reaction.

I hooked up with a guy a few times while drunk at a some parties and I developed sort of feelings for him. I didn’t feel anything for him before even though I knew him as a person. I’d never really paid him any attention to him. I sort of saw it as a ‘target’ – someone I could lose my virginity to. But then he got together with a friend of mine and that definitely bothered me a lot but I got over it pretty quickly. At a party at the end of senior year I started talking to a guy I had known for years and we talked about music and how we hated school and stuff and it was nice because I’d felt pretty lonely that year (I remember literally talking about how arrogant I thought this dude was before the party). He tried to hook up with me but I pushed him away mostly because I hate PDA and was sobering up. We never talked again but I was obsessed with him for like a year – and I mean obsessed. I did all the things you do with a typical crush – but it was intense – and this was the first time I had ever acted like this with a guy so I thought it was real. But at the same time, I can’t decide if it was real, or if it was another case of ‘crushing’ on a guy who had shown interest in me. I was also pretty lonely and depressed at the time and maybe just wanted a friend that I got along with? I honestly don’t know with that one – it’s probably the biggest thing stopping me from being sure I haven’t got any real attraction to men. I continued to hook up with boys in clubs and stuff but it always felt so wrong to me.

Throughout college I continued to assume getting a boyfriend would ‘happen’ to me. I also started realising I didn’t want a long term boyfriend or to get married or have kids. I wanted to have sex though. I assumed I’d just meet someone eventually who I really liked. I was still obsessed with female celebrities and teachers. I never considered it sexual, but I was infatuated.

There was one guy – a housemate - who I lived with for a couple months who I thought I had a crush on but it was very much another ‘target’ situation, I didn’t like him as a person. I thought he was interested in me, and that was like a switch that triggered the crush.

I still checked out women all the time. Still wanted to have sex but didn’t actually like anyone and was afraid of dating because I thought I was too awkward and thought it’d be too uncomfortable. I was still drawn to women in that I liked being friends with them more and liked to look at them and was obsessed with them and connected with them emotionally.

I started watching youtube regularly and started stumbling upon queer creators so I was becoming more exposed to open mindedness about that sort of stuff. Now I would start acknowledging that I was obsessed with certain female celebrities and I was wondering why my obsession was so intense. I wanted to be friends with them, I would stalk them online, and they’d take my breath away if they were really pretty. If I imagined ‘being’ these women I was always disappointed because it meant I would have to date their romantic interest and that seemed boring.

I remember one day thinking ‘god I’m so attracted to red heads, but I’m straight so I can’t do anything about that’. I still didn’t think of them sexually in that I didn’t fantasise about them, I don’t think I would’ve let myself do that. I was also watching trans women on youtube and found myself way more attracted to them when they were presenting female over male which confused me a lot. I remember watching Rose & Rosie and wishing I could have their relationship but would always think ‘oh well I’m not gay though’. Lesbian relationships seemed so appealing to me. Even male homosexual relationships seemed awesome, there was something about it and I couldn’t figure it out.

This all just kept escalating until one day I said ‘I think we need to address this, you might be attracted to women’. And I started being honest with myself for the first time in my life. And I started remembering all these women I was obsessed with and basically acknowledged everything I’ve written above ^. I’ll also note that at this point in my life I literally couldn’t imagine myself with a man in a relationship or spending my life with one. When I was younger (before I’d even kissed one) the thought of cuddling with a guy was nice to me but now it made me feel extremely uncomfortable. I used to think ‘I hate that I need to have sex with men, if I could just live my life with only women that would be amazing’. I imagined kissing a girl and it seemed really nice and natural, it seemed like I could actually connect with one. Same with having sex with one. I’d never wanted to date in my life before now, but now I was actually like ‘I could definitely do this’. And I realised for the first time why people might want to get married or have kids – before I’d just thought it was hetereonormativity and everyone was an idiot. I had sort of accepted that I would be alone for my entire life.

I was also weirdly confident and happy when I realised I might like women. This nagging thing at the back of my head went away and it was like my life suddenly made sense and the world was full of opportunity. I was blissfully happy for about 3 days and then the questioning set in for the next 3 months. I analysed every single piece of my life and it was so exhausting. I was trying to figure out if I had had crushes on particular girls or not. If I was gay or bisexual or straight or asexual or aromantic or demisexual. I was concerned that this just seemed so natural and nice to me because I’ve always been really good friends with women so I wasn’t nervous about it, whereas I do get nervous around men of my age (mostly because I think people will think I like them, just a hang up from teasing in high school).

I remembered certain women that I’ve been particularly attracted to over the years and realised I wanted them to like me, pay attention to me and I thought they were so cool and I really wanted to be their friends. With men, if they didn’t like me I was like oh well that’s life. The idea of being dumped by a man and being in a relationship with a man didn’t scare me other than being socially awkward and uncomfortable with him but the idea of being in a relationship with a woman seems terrifying because I would have to be vulnerable with her and I would actually be able to connect. And at this stage I had decided my ‘ideal man’ was: skinny, tall, nerdy, longish hair, very in touch with his feminine side, extremely open minded. I’ve never liked manly, masculine men. Sometimes I would look at my friends and just think they’re so beautiful and be weirdly fixated on them. And if I see women/my friends in really comfy sweaters or something sometimes I think it would be really nice to hug and cuddle them. But I don’t know if I’m forcing this in my head now that I might be gay.

But then I started doubting myself. And have been ever since. Mostly because I don’t know if my obsession and pull towards women is sexual or not. It’s definitely emotional but I don’t know if it’s romantic. I don’t know if I’m being influenced by hetereonormativity or comp het. Suddenly I was doubting whether I could be in a relationship with a woman and thought I could be with a guy. I was worried I'd date or have sex with a women and realise I don't actually like it. Literally everything was back on the table (gay, straight, bi, ace, aro, demi). I’ve kind of realised I’m going to have to start dating/sleeping/experimenting with people of all genders to figure it out. The idea of being attracted to women really appeals to me and honestly I hope it turns out that I am at least bisexual.

It’ll be so humiliating if I realise I’m just straight. Sometimes I find men attractive but I never just check them out on the street like I do women. I don’t want to be ace or aro either to be honest. I just want to know. It’s all I can think about and it’s driving me crazy. I know I just have to wait it out and experiment but in the meantime it’s always at the forefront of my mind and I’m sick of it, I just want to get on with my life.

I’m worried that maybe my obsession with females was just aesthetic attraction. Which seemed sad to me, I don’t want to be ace. When I used to stare at these women I never thought about touching them or anything which is what aesthetic attraction is, it wasn’t because I didn’t want to – it was more that I didn’t even think about it. I do stare at women’s lips and stuff. I did so much research online, read every post and watched every video. A lot of stuff really resonated with me and some didn’t. And I don’t not want to have sex, it’s just that I’m not a very sexual person. I would definitely like to have sex and don’t really want to have a relationship without it. I’m probably in demisexual territory anyway, that doesn’t bother me. I just want to know my orientation – I don’t feel things very strongly, I’m very cynical so it’s hard for me to figure things out because I don’t like to acknowledge my emotions and stuff. I can imagine having sex with a woman and being in a relationship with one but I'm concerned at the end of the day I just won't be able to connect the dots and won't be able to feel the feelings even though I definitely would love for that to happen and be who I am. Honestly, being a power lesbian with a power lesbian wife sounds so awesome to me I just don't know if I'm loving the idea of it or it is me. And I *think* I’ve had crushes on women in the past – when I first thought about it there were definitely women who popped into my head but I don’t know if it was ever as intense as “falling in love with my high school best friend”. I just know that it was definitely different to my other friends.

I guess it would be nice to just hear people’s opinions on this whole situation/advice.

 

More info/thoughts:
Do I just want to be gay because I've been too socially awkward to try hard with men and it seems easier with women because I've been friends with them my whole life? Am I just doing this because I'm 'bad at being straight' and want an easy way out? Is that even a thing?
My feelings aren't *overly* sexual, say with female celebrities I don't fantasise about having sex with them or anything (I've actively done this and it does seem really nice but it doesn't pop into my brain on its own) - it's more a mild sexual attraction and complete infatuation. I definitely would like to be really good friends with them in real life. Same with women in real life - it feels like more of an emotional connection/pull. Could it become sexual? Probably. But because I'm so new to this I never thought about it before and I think I need to experiment.
I try to imagine having sex with women now and it definitely seems *really* nice but I think I'm putting too much pressure on myself to be like 'really turned on' by the thought of it. When I imagine having sex with a man I'm like yeah I could do it, I wouldn't say no but I'm not really connected to this person in my head, it's just the act. Whereas with women I feel like I would be really present with them. I do worry that when I do eventually have sex with a woman I won't like it and I'll be even more lost regarding my orientation, is this silly?
I definitely connect better with women, I'm never been able to connect with men in the same way. The thought of being in a relationship with a man doesn't scare me because I would be 'safe' in that because I wouldn't have that strong of a connection I wouldn't need to be vulnerable. But I'm so scared with women because I would be vulnerable with them. I feel like I would without a doubt have a connection if I really liked them.
I do get nervous around men my age, but not as much as women. I think this is like external pressure/embarrassment (like everyone thinks I'm straight so they might tease me when I talk to a guy cashier or something, I feel like this is stupid high school stuff I've carried with me) rather than from within me because I do get nervous around some women who I really want to like me.
I have a couple of female friends that I sometimes get 'vibes' from and I can't explain it, like I become kind of fixated with them and they have this warm energy towards them.
I've read that if you question your sexuality for this long and extensively it is usually a big sign you're not completely straight (if it's not HOCD which I don't think it is, these aren't unwanted thoughts and I've not really scared of either outcome I just want to know).
Honestly, I do want to be gay. I want a female partner and I want to have sex with women. It would feel like my whole life makes sense. I would feel like I have proper direction in life for the first time ever. I'm just worried that when it comes down to it these feelings won't manifest into reality if that makes sense.