I don’t know why I don’t feel as comfortable writing this as a mature guy should... but oddly I don’t. I’m thinking it’s because I’ve only very recently admitted to myself I’m gay and come out to a select few. And maybe a little bit of embarrassment because I never asked for advice the last 25 years I’ve played the straight life. And inexperience with a guy probably doesn’t help... NO experience yet actually. Regardless I have a question. But first things first before I’m off to the big question. Women I’ve been with over the years were probably 50/50 on liking to give blow jobs. I’ve been receiving for years and personally I’m excited as all hell to give one. I think done right where my ears aren’t used for handlebars I’m going to be in the like category. And nothing will change on the receiving end... I’ll still like getting them as always but have the excitement of a guy doing it instead of a woman. I think I’ll finally be an interested kisser too and enjoy it. I find a guy’s lips, jaw, hair... all of that a turn on. With women I’ve just gone through the motions and never gotten anything out of kissing past maybe hiding that I was gay the whole time. It’ll be great to have some passion that I’ve missed the whole time I’ve been playing the straight card. I’ll be able to get off too just by using his butt cheeks and thighs... whatever... as a place to thrust around. Not worried there. Rubbing. I think it’ll be exciting as all getup to have him do the same on me. Just having a guy’s body on mine in action, and mine on his... I can’t wait. Then there’s massage. Body, ass, between the ass and balls... everywhere else too... the whole enchilada. I’ll be a fan of giving and receiving there too. But the big one, anal. I not only DON’T see myself liking being on the receiving end, but I also don’t want to have to think about “being ready” or whatever the heck you want to call it. Planning in advance. I like seeing it on porn but that’s it. I’d be fine doing the drilling I guess, but honestly, if he feels the way I do, I could leave that behind too with everything else above. And he’d have to be clean, like clean-clean for me to even top. It just doesn’t interest me for some reason. But especially bottoming. Maybe this sounds crazy... but for some reason I think of it as more personal too. Like if I was to do it as an every now and again thing, it wouldn’t be a one night stand where I issue the event tickets. It’d have to be in a committed relationship. And still it’d be very rare for me to want to receive. So my question... I can see ME leading a completely satisfied sex life without anal... but am I a minority there? Are gay guys in general not like this? I know the butt act is all that straight people seem to think of when they hear the term “gay sex”. Okay, done finally. Geesh... I need to stop writing a novel every time I post. I know it gets old to read wordy guys like me.
There's a lot of misinformation about anal sex and it can feed into anxieties about bottoming, so it might help for you to read this information from our resources area: http://emptyclosets.com/home/pages/resources/health/anal-sex.php http://emptyclosets.com/home/pages/resources/health/getting-clean-for-anal-sex.php Now if you've read that and feel more reassured you could try some personal play with a butt plug or dildo. It's not the same as being on the receiving end during sex, because you can't replicate that, but it might give you an idea of what it would feel like. Fact: Some guys are not into bottoming - period, and just as many (probably more) are not into topping. We're not all versatile and many of us have a definite preference, but I do think it's at least worth trying both roles before ruling anything out. Can you have a good sex life without anal? Yes you can. You described many of the things that make man on man sex interesting in your own post and if you mix it up enough you can keep it good and exciting, but I would be lying if I said most gay guys will go without anal altogether. Doesn't mean we're banging away every day or week, but the majority of us like it occasionally. If you really don't want to bottom and prefer to identify/participate as a top it shouldn't cause too many problems finding a date or partner, but if you rule it out altogether it might be more difficult. Final point - condoms act as a barrier in the rare event of mess, but they're also important for reasons of safe sex.
PatrickUK - You never fail to impress with your posts. And those links were great info. So thanks. Condoms? Hell yeah. If I don’t have a proven history on the guy, no sex no matter how hot the guy (or how much I’ve had to drink) is worth the risk. Period. End of day I’ll totally give it a shot, top and bottom and we’ll see how it goes over time. Never hurts to try... well... except when it hurts. . In the meantime for practice I’ll just find a few odds and ends lying around the house and shove them up there. Totally kidding. I think I’ll play it by ear and see what feels right with who I’m with, and how long I’ve been with them. I’m a gay virgin so it’ll either be a nice change for someone or the worst date of their life. It’s almost sad looking back that I never allowed myself to try anything with a guy, or more amazing still, even a toy when I was by myself over the years. I just wanted so dang bad not to be gay, not to get caught doing or thinking anything, and for such a long time I just wouldn’t let myself get to that point. Quick funny story about that - In high school I worked at a video store (back in the day of VHS tapes long before the internet). It had an adult video section and one night after closing and locking up I went in there and grabbed a XXX gay vid. I could hardly wait to get home. Then I got out to my car and was like oh shit, what if I get in an accident on my way home and the paramedics or my parents find it?! They’ll all know I was gay! So I went back inside, ripped the title sticker off the cassette and put it in a Lethal Weapon box for disguise. Then I thought oh shit, what if something happens to me and later the vid gets into someone else’s hands?! They’ll pop “Lethal Weapon” in the VCR and instead get a big dick on the screen! They’ll know I was gay! Then I thought wait, new plan; I’ll just go in the back office, put the tape in and stroke one off. But wait! What if I have a heart attack or something and somebody finds the video?! I wasn’t worried about them finding my dead body with my dick in my hand... just them knowing I was jerking off to gay porn. In the end I didn’t have the balls to take the video home or even do a “hands-on preview” in the back office. Fast forward to today... thank god for internet porn. Lol
If it hurts you're not doing it right unless hurt is your "Thing". I'm one of those rare total bottoms and am totally OK with totally receiving BUT, if my partner wishes to try receiving I'm OK with giving him the opportunity to broaden his horizons. As Patrick pointed out, all gay men are potentially versatile just some of us prefer to not go "Both ways".
- Do you know why that's so funny? Because most of the people reading it (myself included) will totally get you. As far as everything else is concerned, just remain open minded and give it a try. It's the only way you'll know for sure... it's the only way I found things out myself. Edit: And JaimeGaye is right... it shouldn't hurt. Lube is good stuff!
Me and my boyfriend rarely engage in Anal and we are both highly satisfied. Just my personal experience, even a kiss with the right person is what it all takes you to satisfy.
I would also add that if you are interested in exploring anal play, start with butt plugs, small then progressing to large. It helps get used to the sensation
I was a top and had bottomed infrequently. Two years ago, in my late 50s, I met a guy. He was happy to bottom initially. However, one afternoon, a couple of months into our relationship, he said that he was anxious to top me because he was actually a top. He did. He has been doing it since then. He is 27 and it is pretty awesome. Doesn't hurt at all.
1) Like other people mention, its quite easy to be satisfied without anal in a relationship. You just have to communicate this with your partner so everyone has the right expectations. In my relationship, we both personally love anal and even then we barely do it. We are probably around once a month, but sometimes even once every two months. We love everything else and do everything else more often tho. Honestly, I would suggest you relax a bit. You haven't experienced this just yet, but once you have sex with someone you love and are completely in lust with, you will be surprised with what you will end up enjoying. Not saying that you will enjoy it eventually because it might not happen, but just to say to be open to things changing once you actually meet a guy that you like. Its a whole new ball game. I personally never thought I would like anal sex. It just looked so...eh. But then after being with a guy I really liked we started testing the limits as I felt comfortable. For example, having a guy just simply put their fingers against your butthole (not in) is a crazy good feeling while you jack off/ they give you head. Take it all one step at a time.
I was introduced to anal sex very early in life, one of my earliest sexual experiences actually, so I have a different set of experiences. I do relate to your experience in the video store, however, lol. I would echo the advice given here. Anal sex doesn't have to be the "main event" in my sexuality, and I engage in some sort of sexual activity regularly that includes all the things you mention. But I would miss anal sex if it was never on the menu with my partner, and for many gay men it would ultimately be a dealbreaker for a long-term relationship. Regarding pain, and I agree that lots of lube is important, the most common cause of pain for the bottom is the largely-involuntary clenching of the sphincter muscles. Relaxing those muscles is easier said than done, and it takes some experience before the muscles learn to relax quickly. This is important information because first-time experiences as a bottom are likely to produce some level of pain - both because of the involuntary muscle resistance as well as your own nervousness tends to cause you to clench. Don't be discouraged at early attempts to be penetrated. If it hurts at any time, stop what you are doing. The best way for you to prepare to bottom for someone is to get used to the feeling of penetration on your own first. Using dildos and butt plugs, and slowly introducing graduating sizes, you can get your bottom to relax easily and quickly, but it takes practice. When you bottom for a guy for the first time, insert your dildo first, before he uses his penis, since you will already be used to it. After you know you are relaxed from your dildo, then try penetration from him. The more you practice this, the better it will be for you. If you decide that anal sex is not for you, whether you try it or not, that's ok and a valid choice. It may limit the pool of gay men who would be interested in keeping a relationship, but it's certainly not impossible. There are lots of guys who have no interest in anal sex. Take care.
I agree with the guys who have posted here. Everyone is different, and in time you will find out what you like and what is comfortable and enjoyable for you. But I think that to know for sure, you have to meet a really nice guy who you make a deep connection with. Then things kind of take care of themselves. Me? I adore being the submissive bottom between the sheets. I often think throughout the day, of my lover being inside me, and it is a deep seated lust. So I would feel a bit lost without it, even if I gave and received all other forms of foreplay regularly.
Great discussion here and wonderful comments/thoughts from all. One point I'll mention at the risk of people getting tired of it: Emphasis mine. Whether you have a proven history or not, condoms should always, always, always be used. If you're in a committed relationship, condoms say "I love you enough to ensure you're always safe." People are fallible and imperfect and subject to mistakes. Especially if they drink or alter their consciousness. If you always use condoms, and one of you has some sort of momentary lapse in judgment, then there's never a worry that you will pass something to your partner. Nor will you be in the position of choosing between risk of giving your partner something and confronting an uncomfortable truth at that moment. It's not "I don't trust you so use a condom." It's "I love and trust you and want to ensure we're both always healthy, which is why I use condoms."
