How do I “come out” to my religious family? All of my life, my grandma always told us, “Being gay is wrong. You will go to hell.” Or “It’s not okay for a man to be with a man or a woman to be with a woman.” Well, I finally decided to email my dad. That’s kind of how I tell them things that I need to say. He works from home and email is a big part of his job so he usually sees it within a couple of hours. Well, I emailed them saying that I like girls. They said “okay.” Later I found out that they didn’t freak out because to them it’s “just a phase.” If it is, this phase is lasting for forever. This was about 2 years ago when I was 19. I’ve known since I was 12 or 13. I’m 21 now. It’s been almost 10 years, and the feelings are less bisexual and more straight up gay. I probably confused them when I got a boyfriend last hear. That felt wrong the whole time. He couldn’t make me horny whatsoever, which is why I’m thinking I’m way more gay than bisexual. So I think that confused them. Well, when in public sometimes my mom will say, “Did you see him?? He was so cute.” So I started saying that random guys are cute. And I mean it in a I’d-never-date-you-and-not-just-because-you’re-out-of-my-league kind of way. I know I’d never date another man. I know when men are cute, but that’s about it. It’s NEVER sexual like, “I’d have sex with them.” Anyway, I don’t know what to do or say because to them it’ll always be a “phase.” I probably won’t tell them again until I move out. But I want the family of my girlfriend to react with my family lovingly, like it were a man I’m with. I just don’t see that happening.
Hi Ellisyn, First, I'd like to say that I'm sorry your parents haven't exactly been supportive of your sexual orientation. Also, congrats on signing up for EC. This is a truly helpful and insightful community, and I hope you can find the advice you're looking for. In some ways, I think when someone says it's just a phase, it's worse than a negative reaction, because they aren't even respecting your identity enough to validate its existence. At least when someone says your going to hell for being gay, you can defend yourself. When they don't even acknowledge such a large part of who you are, it gets trickier. Your family is reacting this way because it's making it easier for them to cope with a reality that they don't want to hear. To some degree, they might think it's a phase, but I don't think a lot of people believe that deep down. No parent, religious or not, plans for their kid to be gay. Every parent has an image of what their child's life is going to be like, and when they find out that their child well lead a life that is different from that vision, it can be really hard. By calling your sexual orientation a phase, your family is allowing themselves to keep this image of what they want your life to be like, because to them, there is a possibility of you bringing a nice boy home one day. They've essentially put themselves in a limbo, separate from reality, where they can still believe what they want to believe about you. Do you think you're family believes you when you call a random guy cute? And do you think your family, deep down, thinks that you're gay? I'm just asking because if you had a boyfriend last year and express attraction to men, you could have confused them. But I also think that family members, especially parents, know when something is genuine. Have you talked to your family members about being gay besides the email you sent them? Sorry for all the questions, just trying to gauge the situation. And welcome to EC by the way! I hope you like it here!
I'm sure my mom believes me, and she's the only one I will say these things in front of. Two of my brothers know, but it's only because I let it slip and they don't care. It's more my Mom, Dad, and Grandma that I worry about. We didn't really talk about me being gay besides the email. They basically said, "Okay" when they got the email. But that's not what I was looking for because I knew they probably didn't mean it. So we didn't really talk about it, no.
I don't think you need to "come out" to them. You have already done so, regardless of whether they want to believe it's just a phase. I think you should just live your life, girlfriend and all. If they question that you have a girlfriend, you can easily point out that you came out to them years ago. It's not your fault they chose to be in denial about it. I think you explained why this happened pretty well, actually. After telling them you liked girls, you got a boyfriend. Why wouldn't they think it was just a phase? You haven't caused them to be confronted with the reality of your sexuality. Once you do, the denial will be much harder to live with, and they will have to stop pretending otherwise. As long as you stay "closeted" with them, they won't change.
Thank you so much for all of your input. I will keep all of this in mind while I continue on with my life.
Same. But My grandmother tells me on the daily I'm going to hell and she doesn't even know I am Bi. I don't want to come out to my parents now because of fear of rejection or them thinking its a phase. But, I created a plan to ambush them with the information. When it comes to people like that someitmes you have to go big or go home so they will believe you.
You seem to know that you are gay. So, maybe it's time that you stopped playing along with your parents' wishes / hopes / denial. When you mother says, "he's cute", you could reply something like, "yes, he is, if you like that sort of thing" or "yes, he is - for a guy." You might even consider pointing out a female to your mother and say, "isn't she cute?" or "doesn't she look cute?" Your parents seem like nice people who love you. You don't have to fully come out to them. But you don't have to go along with them either.
