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Homophobic family member

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Tom92x, Feb 27, 2018.

  1. Tom92x

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    I’m still firmly in the closet at the moment, and am used to the things I’m sure most of you have heard ‘I’m ok with it but just don’t want it shoved in my face’etc

    But today after seeing a headline about a gay couple, my mum said ‘eww that makes my stomach turn, two men together is just so disgusting, what has the world come to’ all the while her very gay son was sitting right next to her. Makes me feel very uncomfortable about ever coming out, and obviously hurts to hear. We’ve always been close but I can’t ignore these sort of comments, I feel so angry and hurt that I’ve felt tempted to just come out and see what happens but I’m also scared I’ll drive her away for good


    Has anyone else had similar situations with family members and if so how did things go if you came out?
     
    21zephyr likes this.
  2. Hanyauku

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    Hi Tom92x,

    First, I'm sorry that you're hearing homophobic remarks from someone so close to you. A parent's love should be unconditional, and it's frightening when they show signs otherwise. My situation is a little complicated, because I'm out to everyone as gay (interested in men), but only out to my sister as a trans girl. I'm very familiar with hearing the "I'm okay with it but just don't shove it in my face", because my dad actually told me that when I came out to him as gay. It's really hard to gauge how loved ones will react when they find out their child is gay. I've heard stories of parents who appeared to be very open minded freak out when it's their child who is gay, and I've heard stories of parents who appeared to be very close minded and homophobic do a 180 and be fully supportive of their child. When I told my mom I was exclusively interested in men, she cried, and not because she was angry at me or homophobic, but because she knew I would face unnecessary struggles as a member of the lgbt community. Like I said, it's hard to know how someone will react, regardless of their past statements, until you actually come out. And speaking of that, are you at a point where you're strongly considering doing so?
     
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  3. Tom92x

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    Thanks for the reply, I’m so glad you’ve got people who support you, I hope they can be as awesome if you choose to open up about your gender identity too.
    I’m a guy and exclusively interested in men, I only allowed myself to be with guys when I was at uni, I even picked a uni furthest away from home just so I had less risk of being caught out. My family are all similar in their views of our community and have been for a number of years. I totally get what you’re saying regarding a 180, I’ve had some friends who’ve said the same but from what I know about my family I really can’t see it happening, and with my family being so small I feel like I shouldn’t risk losing them. I hate having to hide who I really am, having to act as masculine as possible and speak, dress, behave a certain way just to appease them. That angers me and makes me feel I should come out and start being me,but I’m very conflicted. I’m normally good at just dismissing anti gay comments as I’ve heard so many but this particular one really got to me :/
     
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  4. Hanyauku

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    I am lucky to have a supportive family when it comes to my sexual orientation, though that may change when it comes to my gender. I think my siblings and mom will be fine, I'm much less sure about my father and extended family. Though I recently came out to my sister as trans and she was one hundred percent supportive, so we'll see. And I just graduated from university and can support myself, which makes it easier. It sucks that you're family seems pretty cemented in their homophobic beliefs. And I get not wanting to lose them, my family is incredibly important to me, I honestly could not imagine my life without them. And that's what can make it so hard to come out to them, because your relationship can be changed in an instant.

    I'm not great at giving coming out advice, I've never personally known anyone who had a negative coming out experience. I think the best advice I can offer is that this isn't going to go away, and any discrimination from family you might face would pale in comparison to having to live a lie for your whole life. You're clearly sure of your sexual orientation, which is great because it will make it easier to come out. But it also means that this will be impossible to deny. You deserve to have a meaningful, loving relationship, and that's only possible if you can be with the person you want to be.

    In my opinion, and like I said, I don't give a lot of coming out advice, the sooner you do this, the easier it will be for everyone involved. If you feel that you're in a position where you can safely come out and be able to support yourself if things go south, I would recommend telling you're family that you're gay. Do you think that your parents know you're gay? My family has pretty much always suspected that I liked guys. So much so that when I came out to my mom, all I said was, "Mom, can we talk about something?", and she immediately responded with, "You're gay, aren't you?". And when I told my dad that we needed to talk he just started talking about me being gay without me even saying it. You'd be surprised what parents know.

    For some context, is there a reason behind your parents homophobia? It seems like in the US, most of negative feelings towards the lgbt community are rooted in religious objections. Is that the same in the UK? Obviously, I'm not sure of your parents case, but I know that no parents plan for their child to be gay. Like I said before, my mom is very supportive of my interest in men, but she was still upset when I officially told her because she knew my life would be harder because of it. Every parent has an image of what their child's life is going to look like, and most of the time this involves having a successful life devoid of unnecessary burdens. When this idealistic image of their child's life is changed, whether that be because of sexual orientation of whatever, it can be really hard. Clearly, this is no excuse for not loving one's child unconditionally, I'm just trying to give a possible viewpoint of a parent.
     
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  5. Ryan89

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    While she may find it disgusting, she may start to feel differently if she has the chance to ask you questions and that kind of thing.
    Or, she could maintain her belief...and theres nothing to be done about it.

    It sucks when you know a parent is going to have some kind of problem with it, I know. My dad gave me a lecture about how being gay was unnatural, and told me it was a mental illness that I needed to try and get cured. It hurt, it sucked, but I realized that he's the one with the problem here...I came out, and Im happier for it, despite that negative reaction. Be true to who you are, and be honest about it.
     
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  6. bried87

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    My dad and step-dad and grandparents all believe anything other than hetrosexuality is a sin or just digusting. I am Bisexual so we are not exactly in the same place but having homophobic family isn't easly. The only people I came out to is my closest friends, only three of them. So, if ur parents think its gross rely on friends.
     
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  7. Chip

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    This might help.

    Mothers almost always know at some level, often before their kid actually knows. And often, when parents have an unconscious sense that their kid might be gay, the response is rejection... as if somehow by actively venting their disgust and pushing it away, that they'll somehow push away or change the truth. Again, all of this is happening somewhere below full conscious awareness.

    People are inherently afraid of things they don't understand and don't have experience with. If your mother doesn't know a lot of gay people, then she only has a very limited schema (structure of knowledge) to go on, and what she has is probably mostly negative.

    So my guess is that, when it comes time to tell her, she might initially reactive negatively, but she will almost certainly come around. Or, she may have worked it through in her head, and it will be a non-issue.

    What we see overwhelmingly here is that, even when parents make thoughtless remarks like your mother did, most of the time they come around and are just as loving and supportive as they always were, and sometimes more so.
     
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  8. anonmember

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    That's not always entirely true, my mom never speculated about my brother being gay before he came out. She never speculated that I would come out to her as bisexual either.
     
    #8 anonmember, Mar 4, 2018
    Last edited: Mar 4, 2018
  9. 21zephyr

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    TOM92X

    I have come out later in life (I’m only out to a dozen people or so) because I didn’t have the courage to do it sooner. My mother always made homophobic comments to me and her family was even worse. I spent a lifetime trying not to act “gay” (going on dates and having girlfriends) and listening to people make queer comments without standing up for what’s right. Even if you don’t want to come out to her, you can at least have a conversation with her about her gay negative comments. Not a fight, just a conversation.

    It seems like you and your mother have a good relationship and she will probably love you regardless. When I told my sisters I expected some negativity, but they were amazing because they truly loved me. Honestly, the people I have told have been awesome! Probably won’t tell my mom- she’s old and mean so there’s no reason to tell her because it doesn’t impact me.

    My only advice is to be true to yourself, don’t hide from your sexuality it’s not healthy. There is never a perfect time to come out, but you would be amazed at the support there is for you. That’s why I like this site, it starts the conversation which is the most important step.

    Good luck to you, you’re not alone!!!!
     
    Tom92x likes this.
  10. LogicNoSense

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    Firstly, are you able to support yourself? That question's probably starting off a little strong, but in the worse case scenario, your parents just might kick you out of the house. It's always best to have a backup plan after you come out to your parents, in case their reactions are negative and or extreme.

    And I totally understand how you feel about your mother being homophobic. My entire family is, too. Thankfully, not as extreme as yours, but it still stings. I'm not very close to my parents, so it didn't really bother me much about making them disgusted with me when I came out, though it did take some time. My mother is obviously homophobic, despite making jokes about the sexuality of my sister and me once in a while, and my father is accepting of friends who are gay. So I thought.

    I came out to my father first, on the way to school. Took me a whole roundabout way to come out, and by the time I did, he was already turning into the road outside of school, so he didn't have much time to lecture me on the 'wrongness' of all this. Long story short, he asked if I was 'sure of what you're doing' and that 'it's just a phase, you'll come around soon.' (Even though I've been out for almost 4 years by then) He's a very traditional man- girls must look and act like girls (he lowkey freaks out everytime I cut my hair shorter, it's currently just below my chin), and being LGBT is strictly a no-no. I thought he'd tell my mother- they're separated(?), but when I came out to her, it was a surprise. I think she already knew that I was bi- she just didn't want to accept it.

    They still don't, to this day. I can't imagine their reactions if I were to come out as genderfluid.

    Thankfully, I wasn't kicked out of the house- I'm still too young to get my own place, etc. But everything was swept under the rug, in exchange for a 'normal family'. They still think of me as straight, and when I bring up something about liking girls, they'd just pause, and move on like nothing happened. They really can't accept that I'm bi. (And my mother still makes homophobic jokes/ comments, once in a while. Sometimes, I'd ask her "So what's the problem?" just to make her shut up.)

    There's always the chance that this might happen to you- that your mother sweeps it all under the rug, to keep the good relationships between the two of you. The homophobic comments may or may not stop, but if it's deeply ingrained into your mother, it might not. There's no set way to tell how your mother would react, so just be prepared for the worst. The result may be better then what you'd expect to happen.
     
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  11. PatrickUK

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    It's true that many family members change their tune when one of their own comes out. Instead of being blinkered by narrow minded prejudice, based entirely around stereotypes, they see the person in front of them and realise they don't fit the mould. It can be quite a leveller.

    I would encourage you to take a look at FFLAG: www.fflag.org.uk and bookmark the website. FFLAG has lots of resources that you can read and/or download and a helpline and local/regional groups for confused or struggling parents.

    I would advise you against coming out when you are upset or angry because difficult conversations like these don't pan out well if one or both parties is in a bad frame of mind.
     
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