Hey ya'll! It's been a long time since I last came by, but I wanted to see how the community was doing and thought I would share some new thoughts here and there. Still the same old optimist, you can rest assured. Speaking of new thoughts, there's something about certain types of Gay profiles that I've discovered while swiping through (Insert Popular Dating App here) the past few months, that I would like to discuss, because more than anything they just baffle me. You see, I like to come across profiles that speak openly and honestly about the person in question. Tell me who you are, tell me what you're like and the things you enjoy, and then show me 6-8 photos that support the facts you state in your biography. It makes for a very good first impression, and is basically your way of advertising yourself to prospective dates. However, far too often I come across profiles that either completely miss the point, or baffle me as to what they are trying to convey to other guys. I get that they're not all meant to attract me, but who are they trying to attract? I'll break down a few below. Also please pardon me if this particular thread appears overly judgemental. If anyone falls into any of these camps below, I do not wish to offend you. So firstly, can anyone tell me what is up with all the GQ models with the full lips and flat expressions? Are these guys born with these features and eventually realize they look like fashion models so they start taking advantage of that, or are these mostly cosmetic surgeries done in later years? Do they think looking like a store mannequin is attractive? And if it is, that's honestly kind of frustrating, cause these same guys would look so much cuter in their pictures if they just showed some teeth and smiled a little. When I'm swiping through ###### I'm looking for warmth, not cold. Second, what is up with all of these buff and skinny guys who take party photos with attractive lady friends? Not that I'm against taking photos of yourself at social events. On the contrary, I wish more profiles included a few instead of just 7 selfies. But I've seen no less than 20 guys in full dinner ware pose with dozens of gal-pals in almost every picture on their profiles. It's as if, just like straight men, having sexy women on your arms makes you look more attractive to the other women, or men you wish to date. Before ######, I had no idea that was a thing. It's almost like a status symbol. The more girlfriends you have, the more attractive you appear. These kinds of profiles really aren't a problem though. And it's no fault of the guy either. In fact, I think these guys are making it very clear that they are socially active, outgoing, and go to a lot of soirees, which is not at all the kind of guy I am. So I wouldn't feel confident about swiping right even if I thought the guy was hot. But by sheer number, the amount of guys I swipe left on that have this kind of persona gets discouraging after a while. Where are all the down-to-earth, easy-going guys? The third one, though, is probably my biggest problem, that being incomplete profiles. You have all of these guys who post one, maybe two great photos (or worse, one very poor photo), but they say absolutely nothing about themselves. They might link their social media. They might say "Hey cutie. Hit me up." Or they might say the always popular, "I have no idea what to write here, but if I press the Super-Like, it was an accident." Maybe I'm in the minority on this, but if I can't learn about who you are through your bio, and you can't be bothered to share more than 2 good photos of yourself, especially ones that aren't selfies, then why should I swipe right? You've given me zero reasons to inquire further, and no reason to take a chance on you. Are you hoping your one low-rez photo of you leaning back on your bed will be enough to snag a guy? If so, I think you're a little too confident in your natural magnetism. If anyone else here has felt the same struggle I have, or has any insight into why I find profiles like this so often, I'd appreciate reading your thoughts.
I feel like a lot of these problems are just internet problems in general, especially not being good at talking/texting. And I found it particularly frustrating when a guy would always reply back right away, but with nothing to say. The only advice I can offer is make sure you always ask open questions (can't be answered with a yes or no), try to carry on a conversation and keep swiping
A really simple question: Why are you wasting time on those sites given all of the problems you point out (which I happen to agree with.) You're fighting an unwinnable battle trying to get people to pay attention to more than shallowness on those apps, because they are all set up basically for hookups. It's rare to impossible to find anyone looking for anything meaningful (regardless of indications to the contrary), because the whole culture of the app tends to make everything shallow. If it were me, I'd put my energy elsewhere. Find meetup groups with interests you share. Find groups organized around activities you enjoy. Put yourself in social situations (not clubs and bars) where you can meet and talk to people. If the shallowness of apps isn't working for you (which, actually, is the case for nearly everyone attempting to use them to cultivate healthy relationships), then the best bet is to find something different.
The app hasn't been a complete waste. I have met a handful of guys I hope to hang out with soon, mostly on a friendly basis, unless something clicks. But it's true, I haven't found anyone I really truly want to date. When I started using the app, I was just getting used to accepting myself as Bi, so I wanted to explore my tastes and see who I would swipe right on. I also wasn't in a place at the time where meetups and social gatherings with others who "might" be gay were commonly occurring. But now that I live near a very large city, those sorts of things become much easier to find. So yes, I will be expanding into more social gatherings, special-interest clubs, and meetups, especially now that I finally have a new job since my move. I simply wanted to explain some of the strange profiles I was coming across, and see if anyone knew why there were so many. More of a case-study for curiosity's sake, not a serious cry for help or anything.
Well... to answer the specific question, most social media dating apps have a lot of fake profiles created by bots. Second, a lot, probably the majority, of the people on those apps are hustling for their worthiness (in Brené Brown-speak)... they aren't confident and comfortable with who they are, so they put up a ton of artificial stuff to make themselves seem more popular or worthy. It's a cesspool of overwhelmingly unhealthy people, unfortunately. And the apps simply further the shame that leads to lack of worthiness.
If it's really as bad as all that, that both makes sense, and is a real shame. For people who don't have a visible local community of LGBTQ individuals, dating apps seem to be the one way definitive way to find others. Anything good can eventually go sour, but this is discouraging to hear. It definitely has not worked out the way I would have hoped, so again, I'm not going to stick to it for too much longer. Thanks Chip.
