I don't have a lot of friends and managed to make some friends through a group of mum's at my son's school. Anyway, turns out one of them is gay and in a relationship. She has mentioned a few times that me and the other mums should come with her and her girlfriend to a gay nightclub they go to and also to a pride parade that is coming up. They don't know I am gay and are just extending the invite to us all (two other mum's are in hetero relationships and they know my hetero marriage has just ended so are assuming I am straight) I've said I would love to come along and I really feel that meeting them so close to my marriage ending is a real gift as I have no other gay friends and feel this is a great way for me to get out and meet more people in the community. Anyway, I am tossing up whether to tell them I am gay or not. On one hand I would love to come out to them because it would mean going to the pride festival as a gay woman would be so much fun and I could finally start to express this side of myself! But on the other hand, I feel insecure, because they are new friends and I am still in the midst of a separation and I guess I am afraid of their judgement and I'm not sure I want everyone in the group to know I am gay. Also It's probably silly, but they are quite androgynous looking and I am very feminine. It sounds silly to say it, but I worry people will think i'm just going through a phase or something because my marriage is over, not that I am legitimately gay. I have this weird insecurity about it like i won't be taken seriously, or that no one will come near me because they think I am not going to know what I want or something... Anyway...should I tell them and if so how?
Hey I totally get why you want to but are unsure. I think you should. Obviously I can never promise that nobody will judge you but at the same time these people are some of the least likely. Maybe you could tell the gay mum but ask her not to tell anyone else. Anyone who judges you or think you are in a phase or anything like that is no yptrue friend. Oh and don't be too sure that they have no clue about your sexuality even though you look femme, maybe you've set their gaydar off haha
Thanks silverhalo, I have wondered a few times if maybe she had picked up a vibe just by some things she said but today she made a remark to me about finding me a man, so I was like... argh obviously not I’m trying to psych myself up for it... I don’t know if I should come out casually (which could backfire by making her think its public knowledge) or kind of sit down and tell her over a coffee. She also doesn’t strike me as the type to be really deep and meaningful. It’s either that we are all still too new as friends so she’s appearing all nonchalant and ‘cool’ or that is just her personality... but I’m quite a deep and sensitive person so I know for me telling her will be a big deal but maybe it will come across as weird to her that as new friends I’m sharing so much about myself.
I think you should tell them! It's so helpful to have gay friends, and my best guess is that they will be welcoming and supportive.
I would tell her over a coffee, unless of course the perfect moment presents itself and you feel like going for it. Even if that's her personality I am sure she will understand where you are coming from. Just tell her it's not common knowledge and she will respect that I'm sure, pretty much all of us have been there regardless of how long ago that was. She might have made the remark about a man just to see how you reacted or maybe she has no idea. I'm sure if you can manage to tell her you will feel much better.
This reminds me of a similar situation I had last year. I had come out to myself but no one else yet. I have a good friend from high school who's bisexual but lives in a different state. She came to visit and I wanted to tell her but I wasn't sure if I was ready to tell anyone. I did tell her, and here is what I learned both from that experience and since coming out to a few more people. Most LGBTQ folks are acutely aware that someone might not be completed out, so they are often very discreet about that stuff, especially if you tell them you're not out yet...they will not "out" you. The idea of what's seen as "legit" sexual orientation is not at all set in stone. I worried about this too, but I was happily surprised to see that most LGBTQ people understand that the journey to realizing you're gay is vastly different for each person. Do you know how many lesbians I've met who figured it all out after being married with kids?...a LOT! Your story is uniquely yours, and I think you'll see that you won't be judged for it. There's not one legitimate path to figuring out you're gay...each journey is unique...just look at all of us on EC. I know you're scared and unsure, especially since your friendship is new. I think you should tell them. It's important to have LGBTQ friends. Let them know you're not ready to be out to everyone yet (if that's the case). I think it will be a pleasant experience for you in end. Keep us updated!
It sounds like a great opportunity to make some LGBT friends and, as others have said, they should be understanding. All the parents that I know through my daughter's nursery are heterosexual couples. I'm aware it's impossible to know how things really are in a relationship, but none of them are even separated. They all appear so happy. I'm actually a little bit jealous that you know somebody who might understand.
So, I recently came out to an older lesbian woman I know. I debated for awhile about whether to tell her. I had the same thoughts - will I be judged for waiting so long? Since I have a more feminine look, will I be viewed as a fraud? Anyway, I (nervously) chose to tell her that I am not heterosexual. She smiled and said, “I know.” I was dumbfounded. How did she know? I was even wearing a dress when I told her. She said, “when you have been around as long as me, there are just some things you can pick up on.” After all my time questioning myself, this comment was such a surprising relief for me. I’m so gay that I apparently can’t hide it! It feels so good to let the secret out and have people accept me. I think you should consider telling them
Thank you everyone for your comments!! They have all helped me so much! From all your comments I have come to realise that as cool and nonchalant as my friend plays it, she also once had to come out to her friends and family and so did her girlfriend. They have probably dealt with a lot of stuff and so will hopefully want be sympathetic and supportive to another sister in arms. @LostInDaydreams, I totally get where you are coming from. My whole life I've never actually known any gay people IRL and I don't make friends easily because I am so shy. Quite literally within days of deciding once and for all I was going to end my marriage, I met this mum who was gay. It feels like it was a sign I was on the right path. Stay open minded and who knows who the universe will deliver to you I just have to wait now for the right moment to ask her to coffee or to bring it up. I'm still deciding if I should mention it to her when an opportunity arises that we get to talk alone and say it briefly or ask her to coffee and go into more depth (which would be a little strange seen as usually if we're doing coffee its the four of us) Either way, I know I will tell her and her girlfriend, it will just be a matter of when. Thanks everyone!
Yay I will keep my fingers crossed. Thing is if you met me in real life without knowing me on EC you would probably think I was really nonchalant about being gay and coming out and I probably am to a point now but that doesn't mean I wasn't scared to death or terrified the first few times.
Yes this is what I am hoping is the case with my friend. She is pretty open about it now, but that doesn't mean she didn't have her moments and it doesn't mean she won't have compassion for someone just starting their journey. I really hope it goes well and I can come back here and tell you all how wonderful it was and how supported I have felt!
I have a small update: my gay friend and I were texting back and forth today and she was offering support regarding my marriage split- I just felt it was a good opportunity to tell her because she has been through something similar with the father of her kids. So I came out with it via text- but it was good in a way as I was able to think about my words rather than be all nervous and rambling. She was great! She hadn’t expected it (so no gay vibes from me unfortunately) but she has been very supportive. Has offered to catch up tomorrow so we can chat some more and has said she gets it all and our situations are very similar and she’s always here for me. Phew... I’m nervous about our catch up mainly because I’m quite an over-sharer and know that is sometimes confronting but I’m hoping she is cool with it as she seems to be that way a little too. I’m hoping she brings her girlfriend along as I would love to hear both of their stories and just ask questions. I’ll pop back in tomorrow with an update. Wish me luck
Way to go! Glad it’s starting out well! Hope to see another update after your in-person meeting. It can be so nerve-wracking to open up to people about this, but I have found more people to be supportive than I expected. I have also found that I am emotionally exhausted after every coming out interaction, so hopefully you can find time to care for yourself afterwards.
This is great news. Way to go! It helps to have support while you go through this. It's hard to deal with coming out all on your own. I'm truly happy for you.
Yay so glad you managed to tell her. Nothing wrong with doing it by text it's whatever works best for you or whichever opportunity presents itself first . Let us know how it goes.
Hey again - well the catch up and chat was wonderful. It was just my friend, but she told me her girlfriend is really happy for me too and excited to hang out a bit more. They are already planning on taking me out, and also introducing me to their gay group of friends that live local. That's the bit that really makes me feel good. That they are just so willing to include me straight away. We talked heaps about how she managed her ex partners feelings in all of this and I talked a lot about my split with my husband. She gave me advice about so much and she opened up a lot to me too which was good. I feel really happy that I've been able to make friends in the gay community easily, but I'm nervous about hanging out in a large group only because I've just come to be a very sterile personality from my relationship with my ex husband and I think that its going to take time to get back to the old me. I used to be so adventurous, fun loving and excitable!! She talked to me about how when she was coming out she went to her cupboard and threw out all her dresses and stuff and went shopping to buy clothes that she felt more herself in (Jeans, Tees, Caps, Muscle shirts etc) She said i'll probably find I do the same over time. That there will become less desire to dress for men/stereotypically sexy. I was already questioning my image but her saying this has caused me to question some more. I've ALWAYS struggled with my image, and change it a lot. I've felt lately a real confusion about what I like and what I feel good wearing. I'm not sure what is happening. I don't really gravitate towards masculine clothing, but I don't necessarily feel good in really feminine clothing either. I always thought I could never be happy in my clothes because of my body image - which I can see is not actually a bad body (I'm slim to average) but I feeeeel uncomfortable and that I am not thin enough. But now i'm wondering is it because I've been suppressing my sexuality all these years and that is why I don't feel good? I think I have two personalities at play here - the little rebel inside who has always been peeking out throughout the years, and the meek and mild wallflower who wants to wear white and be delicate haha.
Yay I'm so pleased it went well and that you will now have a least a few gay friends for support and to hang out with. I think finding yourself is sure to take a bit of time but I also think given the right situations it won't take as long as you think. You may well find your image change and if it does that's fine but if it doesn't that's fine too as long as you are doing stuff because it's right for you and what you want.
