Hi everyone, I’m looking for some advice and I apologise now for the long post. I’m a 35 year old woman and approximately a year and a half ago I realised that I wasn’t as straight as I always presumed I was. I now believe that there had been signs throughout the years which I completely chose to ignore or dismiss, but that’s another story. Anyway, after a lot of grappling with my sexuality asking myself over and over again ‘am I gay? Am I straight? Am I somewhere in between?’ And pretty much driving myself insane, one night I had clarity and when I asked myself what I wanted in my future, did I want a boyfriend or a girlfriend, the answer was resoundingly clear...I wanted a girlfriend. I felt the pressure just leave my mind and for the first time in months I actually relaxed. I even remember laughing as it all seemed so obvious. From then I actually came out to a few ‘trusted’ people, unfortunately one of them told someone else who told someone else and blah blah blah you know how it is and so I was outed to more people than I would have liked or what I believe I was ready for. That made me feel very uncomfortable My problem is that I still have a lot of doubts about my sexuality, even after that moment of complete clarity. Some days I feel completely gay and the word and everything that it means feels so right. But other days I just want to hide and I just don’t believe that I can be and think I must be making all this up in my head. Like I’ve romanticised and fantasised all of this into life and it’s not really true. All of my past relationships have been with men (the longest 7 years) and they weren’t horrible or anything like that but there was always this nagging feeling that I was missing something very important and I never felt that I loved them the way that my other friends loved their partners. It was like there was this constant disconnect and I didn’t know why. I truly and honestly thought that maybe I was broken...maybe I still am? I don’t know... I’ve been brave and have been to a few meetup groups which were great. I’ve met some nice people but I also get extremely nervous and worried that they’re going to say ‘so what’s your story?’ And then I might have to explain that I’ve always been with men and have just discovered this about myself and the thought of that makes me feel stupid and embarrassed. Like I should have known this before. And like i don’t have the right to even call myself gay as I’ve not had a relationship with a woman yet. It kinda makes me feel like a fraud in some ways. Also I feel like such a weird version of myself at the moment. And very very lost. When I go out with friends, it’s like I don’t know who I am anymore. The old ‘straight’ me isn’t there but I don’t know how to be the new me if that makes sense. I mean I know that sexuality doesn’t define you and I’m still the same person but it’s like all of my confidence has been smashed to pieces by this revelation and that makes me feel uncomfortable and confused as a lot of people say that their confidence goes through the roof when they come out. Mine seems to have gone in the opposite direction. I suppose, what I’m asking here is whether anyone else has gone through this? I mean, Going back and forth from feeling pretty damn sure that you’re gay and feeling good and never more like yourself to feeling like you want the world to swallow you up and you feel shitty and confused and sometimes even anger that it’s not all neat and clear Has anyone else had the confidence issue too? Like you just don’t know how to be yourself? That you just don’t know who that even is anymore? Any responses would be greatly appreciated Thanks
I definitely have issues of self-acceptance and have felt like a fraud at times. Then some days I feel better about myself. I have a girlfriend now, for the first time, in my forties. One of the times I feel most good and complete in myself is when I am making love to my girlfriend . I have taken another downturn since my Dad has revealed his very low opinion of me just yesterday. There are days when I wish I wasn't this because of my kids...
Hey I've absolutely been where you are. I had so many ups and downs at the beginning of my journey I felt as though I was on a rollercoaster. I had a sudden revelation in my mid 20's that I wasn't as straight as I always thought I was, even though actually I had never really been that interested in guys. I was so ashamed, embarresed and confused when I first questioned. I honestly thought I was the only person who got to their mid 20's and suddenly realised that maybe they were gay. That's when I joined EC and it helped so much just to be able to talk things through with people. My friends are amazing but they are straight and whilst they understand and support me there are things that despite their best efforts they just don't get in the way another gay or bisexual person does. I also like you, on realising I might be gay then could see a million and one clues in my past which had seemingly completely passed me by up until that point. It's ok to have doubts, I did. I also had some internalised homophobia, despite the fact I had always been supportive of LGBT people, my family are supportive and liberal and my friends also. It was like yeah it's fine for everyone else but me, no I can't be gay. I think for me there was also a moment of how do I be gay, I think society gives you these ideas of what it is to be gay almost. I know when I was first accepting my sexuality and coming out I felt like someone should have given me an instruction manual or handbook so I would know what was expected of me and how I should react and deal with things but in reality of course there isn't, there are not right or wrong you just have to find the true you, it's in there and if you listen carefully to your inner voice you will hear it. Try not to put too much pressure on yourself. You will get there hugs.
Hi Dotwork, I’ve always believed that the only person you can absolutely trust to keep your keep a secret you’ve got is yourself. And even that’s not always 100%, but your odds are better. As for the person that said something, call them out on it. This isn’t a secret like “oh hey, when I was 17 I cheated on the SATs”. It’s a big deal and for someone else to out you is bs. I also believe you are what you are sexually. You, me, everyone else. And those feelings can’t be altered. They don’t have to be acted on, but they’re still in your head. Always. I honestly think that even covers the creeps like child molesters... they’re always going to have those urges regardless of how much prison time they have. It’s a sexual attraction. Not to be gross with that, my point there is just sexuality is the essence of what we are. Good, bad or confused, it’s what we are. So if you like women, or women and men, just try to accept that. It sounds like you have moments where you accept it and it’s a relief, you’re just having a harder time accepting that it means it can’t be business as usual in your old straight life if you want happiness and the kind of company you desire. Me personally? I haven’t told anyone because I don’t want anyone “helping”. I just like guys at this point and that’s a good starting point until I’m ready for the next step. For you? Just don’t let anyone push you faster than you want to go.
Thank you all for your replies, they have helped. @silverhalo I’m pretty sure that I’m struggling with some internalised homophobia too. Like you I always thought that it’s great for everyone else but when it comes to being me then I struggle with it. How do you overcome that? Also, I wish there was a manual. I really do. I honestly feel like a kid again trying to navigate through this, like I don’t know the rules or anything. By having constant doubts about myself doesn’t help as that in turn impacts my confidence and sometimes I feel like a joke @fvpa01 don’t worry, I did call them out on it. We had some words but by then the damage had already been done. I just kind of put up with it now and let people think what they like to be honest. Fortunately I’ve not had any negative responses which is great but at the same time I don’t think I was completely ready for any type of responses whether they be good or bad. I just wish that I had kept my mouth shut, but it’s done now. I understand what you mean when you say ‘we are what we are sexually’, I really do and you’re right in that I’m having a hard time accepting the reality of it. Or of what it means to me. I’m struggling to let go of my past life, or I should say, my past straight life. And I just don’t know how to embrace this one you know. For example just before Xmas I was out with a friend and some guys started chatting to us, just messing around and having a laugh. I’d had a few drinks and flirted with them easily. I didn’t bat an eyelid, didn’t care one bit and just joked around with them without even thinking about it. Of course it meant absolutely nothing and was just a giggle. But the other week I went to a meetup drinks thing and all the women were chatting to each other and some flirting etc... but I just found myself wanting to hide away. Not because it made me cringe or anything like that but because I felt like a fish out of water. Like I didn’t know what to do and it felt so alien to me. But that’s not saying that I didn’t want to but I just didn’t have the girl balls to do it. It’s situations like that when I really question myself again as I feel like if I did like Women that way then surely I’d be able to flirt and joke with them? But then I wonder, is it because I give a shit that I go all captain awkward whereas with men it doesn’t bother me at all. Or with men does it just come more naturally and I’m having to force myself with women? Arggghhhh I give myself a headache with this stuff Thanks again for your replies, it does mean a lot
I think it’s probably easier for you to flirt with a guy than a woman, even a woman who may have flirted with you first, because it’s natural in the straight life you’re struggling to say hasta to. Plus in spite of the fact you feel the gay attraction to women as a whole, it’s still not natural to you to thing of women on women as ‘normal’. It’s uncomfortable. And nobody wants to willingly do something that’s uncomfortable and foreign to them. And then of course there’s the part where you think geez, what will the straight people think? Is there anyone that’ll see me? Will I have to explain myself later. Am I sure they’re gay? All of that and more is what sucks about being minority gay in a majority straight world where you’re not out and proud. Kudos to those that are out and proud, I envy your progress. For those of us beginning the journey though... feeling an almost sense of abnormal embarrassment for what we are, our essence, is just plain shitty. As far as flirting in general - I can flirt like a pro with a woman... even one I’d never take to the next level. But if a guy was to flirt with me (hasn’t happened yet since I’m straight in the public eye)... I’d have no clue how to respond. I’d probably hope for an earthquake or something so we’d have to evacuate the building. Then I’d go home and say goddammit! That was my chance! It was right in front of me! And I’d go to bed feeling worse. Sometimes you can’t win.
This is a very vulnerable, thoughtful post. Thanks for posting it! I primarily dated men until recently, and like you expressed, wondered how straight or gay I am. I even hooked up with a male friend who is interested in me, but I’m not emotionally attracted to him. I wondered why because he has some great qualities. It seems like it comes down to attraction and how we care for one another. As a woman, I don’t particularly like men, even though aesthetically I can appreciate them. When it comes to other women, there is an emotional depth that I am attracted to. Of course, not all women have this. As others said, I’ve had to unlearn internalized homophobia, as well as cultural and familial homophobia, which is hard. As a friend said, what would make you happy? I hope you take the time to reflect and earnestly think about that because, while it’s hard, it may help.
@fvpa01 im glad that you said that about it being easier to flirt with guys etc...that has honestly made me feel better. It’s amazing how most of the time you actually know the answer yourself but it just needs someone else to say it to you. Yep it’s definitely uncomfortable at times as it’s going against everything that I’m used to but it doesn’t stop me from wanting to go in that direction even when I have all these doubts and insecurities. I also worry about freaking the other person out. Even when I’m at these meetups and everyone there will be somewhere on the spectrum, I still fear that they would get all creeped it out by it. Which in itself is ridiculous. I mean they could still get creeped because it’s me doing the flirting but not by the fact that I’m a woman trying to flirt with another woman you know. I hear myself having these arguments and it just goes around and around in my head and it’s so frustrating. I can’t wait for the day when there’s acceptance and just peace within about it all. But i guess that’s just time isn’t it that can do that. Do you know what though, after reading how you think you would react with a guy flirting with you, I do think it’s because we give a shit. With the opposite sex it doesn’t matter, but with the same sex, well that’s just a whole other game
Hey. Thanks for your reply. I completely understand what you’re saying about the attraction part of it. Like you, I’ve realised that my attraction to women seems to be more on an emotional level, which i don’t really get with men. Don’t get me wrong, I can get on great with guys, I really do have fun with them but that emotional connection just isn’t there. I know I’ve definitely mistaken platonic friendship for deeper feelings too when I thought that’s just how attraction feels...how can I have got it all so bloody wrong. I like what your friend said, such a simple but loaded question ‘what would make me happy?’ I’m truly going to give this some thought and not be too hard on myself with whatever answer pop up. Thanks again
Glad I could make you feel (somewhat) better. I’ve got a pretty good bedside manner when it comes to giving advice. As a patient accepting advice I’m sometimes a bit less pleasant though. Lol
I think time helps and for it it helped to try and work through my fears. How do you feel if you look in the mirror and say I'm gay or I'm a lesbian or whatever your choice of phrase is? Would it be fair to say all your friends are straight? What would you say is your greatest fear or concern with being gay?
Attraction to women more on an emotional level - yes I get that. For me the emotional steers the physical. I have been to an lgbt meet up a few times. I found it easier to assume that the other women there most likely wouldn't be interested in me as girlfriend material but might want to be friends or just chat. This really took the pressure off as I was just hanging out. With my girlfriend we talked via email a lot first before deciding to meet in person. Neither of us had ever slept with a woman although my girlfriend had kissed a girl and cuddled naked with one in her youth. But it came naturally...
I've gone through ALL of this; your post, your feelings, I feel I could have written them myself, you are not alone, a lot of us have been there. Keep posting here, there's some wonderful people here who understand.
Most of what you have written I could have written myself. It’s a scary and amazing feeling when you finally recognise and admit you’re gay. So much of what you say, I have been through too. The ease of flirting or being around men in general I so get. I’ve always been so comfortable around guys, It baffled me how my female friends would get all tongue tied and awkward around them. But around women? I’ve struggled to maintain friendships, I’ve had crushes that have left me tongue tied, I’ve stayed away and kept to myself because I get so nervous... For years I put this down to social anxiety when all this time the writing was on the wall. And the fraud bit...so get you!! Actually thank you for posting this as I’ve been able to apply peoples advice to myself too. I am currently dealing with coming out to new friends and I don’t want to be seen as a fraud or have to answer questions about my past. Like you, I’ve only had male partners and I am 32. Its hard to explain to others what we feel deep in our soul because they have only known us from the outside. But.. I’m starting to realise it honestly doesn’t matter where we started or what’s happened in our past. I know in my heart the person that I am has been beating on a closed door for 20 odd years and damned if I’m going to keep her locked away anymore. If people don’t get that, it’s their problem! My advice is to keep posting here, hold your head up high and enjoy that blissful feeling every time you accept yourself for who you are. I’ve split from my husband and I can’t tell you how excited I am to get out there and be my true self. It is a gift that you’ve recognised now, not 10 or 20 years further down the track- embrace it and live fearlessly!
I’m hoping that time does help, I keep on telling myself that anyway. I’ve done that, its strange. Sometimes it feels good and at other times it feels like someone else saying it. Like it’s not really me. It’s bizarre. Yes all of my friends are straight. The ones that I’ve spoken to have been great but they don’t quite understand. It’s like now that you’ve said it then you’re supposed be running around with rainbow flag and really embracing that lifestyle. They don’t quite get that there’s adjustment involved. My biggest fear is that I’m wrong. That I’ve got all this muddled up and am actually straight. And also a bit of rejection too. Like I won’t actually fit in and they’ll be this team of seasoned gay women screaming ‘you’re not real!!’ I know that’s stupid but it’s just how I feel at times.
Thank you for your reply. It’s nice to know that others feel the same way too. As the flirting with guys thing, it’s strange isn’t it how you can chat away and flirt or whatever and not care one bit but with women it’s so different. I am slightly different in that I can chat away and maintain friendships quite well, or I should say, that I was able to before acknowledging my sexuality. but since then I’ve become a lot more awkward and conscious in how I behave. It’s frustrating as I don’t feel like I can be myself. The thing that used to confuse me with friends was why they would get so heartbroken if a relationship with a man ended. I honestly didn’t understand it, I would think things like ‘Jesus, pull yourself together woman. It’s only a guy’. No offence to any men reading this btw lol. With regards to the fraud bit and coming out to new friends, how are you dealing with that? Explaining your past I mean. I know you said that you’re starting to realise that it doesn’t matter how or where you started but you know in your heart who you are but how are you going around that? If you don’t mind me asking. I love your last paragraph btw. I’m going to try and remember to do that, to hold my head high and enjoy the feeling of acceptance as and when it happens. I want to look forward to moving ahead and not fear it like I often do at the moment. I’m so hoping to get to that point
You are clearly not alone! I am a man, but the thoughts, questions and the fears i have are very similar... You can't imagine how your post indirectly helped me. I thought i would be a "very rare case" of a 30 yo man beginning to question his sexuality. Then i informed myself about "internalized homophobia". I began to realize, that it can be really strong. I began to see, what it did to me (write me, if you want to hear/read about examples.) Yes! I can relate to this. I realized in the last 2 months, that i could be gay (attracted to men). And there are so many signs that point in this direction. But on the other hand, there are some things, that i don't understand. The most confusing part for me is, that i realized it with 30... And what IF?! What IF i am not gay?! What IF i tell people i am gay, and then i realize it's just not me?! This scares me a lot. And then i imagine myself, how i come out to my friends, at work, to my parents... This gives me a feeling of freedom and "letting go". This helped me at least a bit... I think seeing "real gay people" in live, in a bar or somewhere else could also help. Seeing, that they are fine and happy. I wish you all the best on your path to find yourself. This forum helped me a lot. I hope it helps you too.
Not stupid at all, very real and totally understandable. Being wrong was my biggest fear too, I thought what if I tell people and then find I don't like women or fall in love with a man, eventually I got to the point where I was like do you know what, if that happens I will deal with it, sure people will ask me questions but in time it will be forgotten. Keep saying it to yourself in the mirror it will help. All my friends are straight too and they really do think it is just about saying the words, they don't realise the hours of agony before and after which a lot of us have. I don't blame them how can they. What I can tell you is all of those downs and all of that confusion and pain is so worth it when you come out the other side and find someone that you love with all your heart in a way you didn't even imagine possible.
Hi Dotwork- I was drawn to the name of your thread because I'm realizing that I definitely go through cycles. Sometimes the clarity is strong, sometimes it's really hazy, and sometimes I just don't care. So yeah, I have good days and not so good days. I was right on the edge of trying to come out when my self-confidence just started to fade. I think it doesn't bother me too much because I've learned that it IS a cycle, and sometime I'll feel all confident again. I wish you luck, and mostly serenity. YOU ARE OK! Thanks for your posts.
I would like to tell you that I believe this is normal. Some days I feel gay and horny for guys. Other days I feel straight and enjoy looking at, interacting with, and kidding myself that I can successfully chat up random women. For me, I do not look at guys in the street but I do with women. I love the curves, the long hair, long smooth legs etc. In that context I only rubberneck for women. And I am married to a straight woman. But sexually, thinking about being with a guy, fantasising, watching gay porn films and looking at photos and gif images of hot nude gay men, and having sex with other men, does it for me. So in some ways I prefer women, and in others I prefer men. Some people will label me as gay because I am definitely not straight, but also because they would say that I am in denial. I would not agree with that, but I'm fine with being called gay by other gay people. But I define myself as bisexual but preferring men. So I call myself bi-gay. I feel that I am in the spectrum of bisexual but more towards the gay end of the spectrum. But some days I do not feel emotional, sexual or romantic at all towards guys. So I have various different thoughts and feelings from day to day, and sometimes at different times of the same day. All I know is that I am really a part of the LBGT community, and I am accepting of that. I do not need to shout about it though, I am a private person, sometimes quite secretive, and shy and reserved. And I try to make my way as best as I can in the world, with minimum hassles. That means for me basically assuming a straight role in life, whatever that really means. I do not feel the need to tell everyone "hey I'm bisexual" or "hey I'm gay". It doesn't define who I am for other people to know about me. In my own way I have found my own authenticity. I stay ''in the closet" for various reasons which are homophobically related, and to protect people I love. But that's it. I do not let it get me down, and to be honest I think that coming out and being with another guy 24/7 would probably annoye as much as being with my wife does sometimes, and probably take the shine from my new "gayness". So I'm happy to accept everything changing from day to day with me. It's all just chemicals in the end anyway which is causing my mind and body to behave in different ways, so it does not bother me anymore.
