Should I just give up on this feelings already? My love story with my best friend.

Hi there, name's Paul. I'm 22yo latino guy from Ecuador (Sorry for my english in advance). I guess I'll just start from the beginning so you have a better picture of what's going on in my life. I'll try to keep it simple tho.

about 8 or 7 years ago I met Victor. I remember him being an ass to me when we first met, but now I know he was like that with everyone cause of some problems with his family.

One day I got upset about him saying something stupid,I don't remember what, soI kicked him in the butt and made him fall. He was surprised, more than upset. See, I was the new guy on that school, a shy, silent, introverted guy just trying to go unnoticed. And he was this hyperactive, strong and manly dude that no one messed around with.

In my mind, he was going to stand up and beat the crap out of me... instead, he stood up, looked me in the eyes and said "you got balls, buddy." with a smile on his face. Then, he just left.

Fast forward two years, I had made friends with a small group of people, went out for a year or so with this girl, Pamela. I had a really good time. That is until she broke up with me. I loved her and that really hurted me, we used to sit together in classes and spend the recess with our group of friends and I kind of didn't wanted to see her so I went my own way for a while.

The next day, I was late to school so when I entered the classroom there was only one sit left, next to Victor. After our litte incident two years from then, I never really taught about him. He didn't said anything to me when he saw me, which I was grateful for.

After a while, he noticed I was basically staring at my exgirlfriend the whole time during class. He said "Don't you have a picture or something?" And I replied "Do you always have to be such an ass?" He went silent for a moment and then said sorry. I said I was sorry too, that I was just moody because of the breakup. After that he said something like "I can get you the picture if you want" after noticing I keep staring at her. I don't know why, but that really made me laugh (We both got kicked from the classroom that day ).

After that day, we hang up with each other all the time during school, and sometimes after it. We started getting really close to each other. We talked about everything, our families, friends, the girls we liked.

Fast forward a few months, we became best friends. We spent a lot time with each other, eventhough he's fairly popular among the ladies, he always had time for me. One day he broke up with this girl he really liked and was filling down, so he crashed at my place for the weekend to play videogames and watch movies.

That night when we where going to sleep in my room, I turned the lights as usual and jumped into the bed (We slept in the same bed but I never really taught anything of that). I was falling asleep when I heard him crying. I figured It was about the break up so i asked if he wanted to talk about it. He asked me to sat down on the bed so I did, guessing he wanted to talk more privately. But then he hugged me. He's not the kind of touchy guy so that caught me by surpirse, but I still hugged him back. We embraced each other for about three minutes until he stopped crying. Then we just went to sleep like normal.

I realize now that was the first time I saw him cry, and the first time we ever hugged.

I think this will take a while to tell so for now I'll post this. Just hold on to the title question until I get there please!

 

Ah. No replies. Oh well, this is helping me to vent out so I'll still write more walls of text i guess...

So anyway, after our hug thing in the middle of the night I realized I really cared for him, but I still didn't knew how much. We continued being friends like normal for at least 1 year more. He went in and out of relationships with girls, and we were always around when we needed each other.

One day he told me about how his new girlfriend, Jocelyn, taught him how to give massages and that If I wanted one. We weren't doing anything so i said why not. He asked me to take my shirt off and lay down, so I did. He started touching me in this oddly tender way, and, I don't know... It just felt really good. I told him he needed to teach me how to do that so I can use it to score some girls. So we changed placed and I started giving him one. We were friends so I really didn't think much of it at the time. After that day this kind of touchy situations became a regular thing between us.

The problems started when Jocelyn began complaining on how she didn't like him spending so much time with me and that she would like him to stop. He was really in love with her, so whatever she asked, he gave it to her. I remember thinking that he was my best friend and I wanted him in my life. The situation got worse and we fought over her jealously, I got angry and said something like "Ain't my fault she's a jealous bitch" He reacted badly and things got violent.

After our fight we didn't talked for two weeks. Until I got a text of him blaming me because Jocelyn broke up with him. I didn't replied as I was still mad at him and his text didn't helped that much. The next day he went to my place unannounced and asked me if we could talk. We apologized each other and resumed our friendship. I asked him about the text and he said "Yeah... sorry about that... bitch was crazy and thought I was cheating on her with you." I don't remember exactly what was my reaction to that, but it was a mix of confusion and laughter. How could he be cheating on her with ME? I am another guy!

The idea of him and me cheating on her ex haunted me for months. I never really said anything about it because It was just so stupid of me.

One day we where watching a movie at my room and for some reason I decided to lay my head on his chest. He started caressing my hair. That was the first time I thought I loved him. I quickly pushed away that idea and sat normally on the couch. He noticed and asked my why I moved so I told him it was a little to intimate for me. He laughed and said something among the lines of "It's not like we are a couple or something" I replied with "Wel then we shouldn't do things couples do, yeah?" Things got awkward real quick after that. When the movie ended he decided to go back to his home.

The next weekend we went to a pizza contest and we basically eat 6 boxes of 12 slices the two of us. We won the contest but in the night he started feeling sick. My parents and brothers where on a trip so I didn't really knew what to do. He got a really bad fever due to his stomachache. I remembered my grandma using wet cloths on me when I was little to lower the fever. Since I was really worried about him I told him to lay down on my bed so I can help him. I took off his shirt and pants. I started slowly rubbing his body with the wet cloths. At one point he grabbed my hand, I looked at him confused and he asked me "Why do you care about me so much?" in the most tender way possible. My heart started beating real fast and I could feel the sexual tension between us. In that moment, I realized I was madly in love with him. But I couldn't bring myself to say that, instead I said "I... I don't want you to die on me, you know" in a friendly manner. He laughed and said "I love you man" I wanted so much to kiss him in that moment that it just overwhelmed me. Somehow I managed to tell him i loved him too.


Alright. You may know where this story is going by this point. But since I'm doing my best to make it readable, I won't spoil anything. See you later random people on the internet! I can't believe I'm actually typing all this online

 

Ok, I'm here with part 3. This part is really sad for me and the relationship I had with Victor, for simplicity I'll start calling him V.

Nothing major happened until last year of school. He went in and out of a relationship with Jocelyn (the same one). And I... well... I tried my best no to ruin everything with my feelings. At this point I had made peace with Pamela and catched up with my group of friends, V hanged up with us sometimes too. Me and Pamela went back together but it didn't really lasted. Don't get me wrong, I love the girl, but, to put it bluntly, I love V more. This time we remained friends and moved on with our lives, which is a good thing because she's really important for me.

During the last week of classes a girl, Belen, from our group of friends invited us all to her house on the beach, including V, of course. At this point i have already told Pamela I had feelings for V, she took it really well and was very supportive.

During the trip we all had a really good time! My bday was during that trip as well so they made me a party, I really enjoyed it! V was a little down cause he broke up with Jocelyn (again) so he kind of went unnoticed. After it was over I was talking to Pamela when V told me to follow him outside for a while, I swear to god Pamela was basically fangirling us at that moment, but i'm glad she didn't said anything more than "Oh, yeah, that sounds fun! you should go Paul".

We walked to the beach and sat there in the sand. Now keep in mind that neither of us like alcohol, but that night we where both a little tipsy, so we were extra touchy. We were laying in each others back with our heads on each other shoulders, looking at the sky. I remember thinking that was the perfect moment to tell him how i felt about him. I started with "Man.... I... I gotta tell you something" he didn't said anything so I proceeded "I have feelings for you. Like, romantic feelings for you." He didn't reacted at all for like two minutes, then he said "I know." and went silent again.

After a while I started getting anxious so i stood up and rushed back to the house. He caught up with me midway and made me stop. He told me "Look. I have feelings for you too, ok? and if things where more simple... we would have screwed a millions time already." We both smirked at that but i didn't said anything. he told me "I would never risk losing you for this. You're my best friend and I have never cared for anyone the way I care about you. So... let's just... see what happens. But don't force anything, or expect anything." We agreed that we would just 'see what happens'

What happened, however, was that after the trip he was back with Jocelyn and started to take distance from me. School was over, we hang out less and less each day.

Fast forward a few years, I was 20 at that point. V and I still talked sometimes and visit each other to catch up and play videogames. I remember him telling me that he started dating a new girl, after like 4 months of the definite break up with Jocelyn, her name was Janeth. I hate her so much for what she caused.

This girl was crazy. She hated me and I hated her. V contacted me less and less because of her, until one day I decided to call him and ask what was going on. He told me that she was jealous of me, and that she had this crazy idea that V was in love with me. The way he said it actually hurted a lot. I went defensive and said "Oh, yeah. That would be a terrible thing after all, no?" He replied with, "common man, you know what I mean..." I was getting angry so i said "No, man. I don't know what you fucking mean, so why don't you fucking tell me for once? Do you even feel something for me? I'm tired of all this crap!" he said "... I can't talk with you like this." and hanged up.

A month or two passed and we didn't said a word to each other. One day, Janeth called me and told me we needed to talk. I had nothing to do so I decided, well, why not. We went to a caffeteria and, to make it short, she told me that V didn't wanted to see me again, that I have to leave him alone. I wanted to scream and tell her to go fuck herself. But I kept calm and said something like, if he had something to tell me he should do it himself and not through his girl. She asked me if i was gay and I kind of lost it. I raised my voice a little and said that it was not of her business. She told me it was since I was trying to fuck with their relationship. At this point I was probably screaming since the people around started looking at us. I basically told her that she was a bitch and that the only one messing everything up was her, I didn't gave her a chance to reply and just left.

That night I called V a few times, but he never answered. I'm not proud of myself for calling him everyday for like a week until I finally gave up. I wanted to go to his house and confront him, but I didn't have the guts.

Almost half a year passed and he finally contacted me. He sent me a text from his new number saying "Hello, Paul. I just wanted to say that I'm sorry." I decided to call him and he answered. It was kind of awkward cause I didn't knew what to say. The conversation went like this, I asked him if he was ok, he told me he was fine and asked how i was, I told him I was ok too. We went silent for a while and then I told him I read his text. He said "Yeah... I'm... i'm sorry man, really." I was numb, tired, and needed answers. I said "Do you remember what I asked you the last time we talked?" He said "Yeah, I do." Then i said "Then... can you answer now, please?" He went silent for a while but managed to mumble "I... I can't..." Like i said i needed answers so I replied with "You can't love me, is that it?" He said "Yeah... I can't... but i wish I could" I tought about that and asked him "You say you can't... but... you do... don't you?" He didn't said anything. At this point I was disappointed with him and with myself.

I waited for a while but he never said anything, so I decided maybe it was best for us to take a break from all that. I asked him if what Janeth told me was true and he just said "...Yes." I wanted to cry, but managed to keep it inside, I told him "Alright then... I... thanks for answering me. I really needed it... Goodbye man. I'll always care about you." my voice was starting to break at this point. "I... I'll always care about you too. I'm sorry." he said, I could swear his voice was breaking too. I said "I'm sorry too." Hanged up and started crying. The phone may have or may have not being thrown into the wall.

i'm 22 now. About four months ago I logged in my warframe account, a game we used to play with each other all the time. I saw him online and sighed. He was playing in a "friends only" session, but was alone. I decided to join him, because why not. We played for an hour without saying anything in the chat. Then he asked me how I was and told him I was doing great and asked how he was doing. He told me he has been better and that he and Janeth broke up for a while now. I kind of stalked him on social media so It didn't caught me by surprised. We started talking regularly after that.

Two weeks ago we went out for a Pizza. We talked about how stupid it was from us to lose contact like that. He confessed to me that he missed me a lot all the time and I did too. He's dating a friend of mine, and she knows that we have a story, but she is nice and trust him a lot. And I'm glad he's happy with her.

Last weekend I crashed at his place, we played videogames, talk a lot and went to see a movie. I realized that I really want to be with him, I just can't imagine my life without him. Yesterday I told him I wanted to talk and we will this weekend. I'm not sure what I'll say. I want him to know that I'm willing to start a romantic relationship with him if he ever wanted, but I don't want to scare him or make him feel awkward. I'm to be honest I'm scared. I'm scared that i'll fuck up things with all this. So... Should I just give up on this feelings already? I love him. I really do. I desire him emotionally and physically. But he just has never being clear enough about it... And he's always jumping from relationship to relationship.... so I don't know... should I just wait until he's alone before I bring this up? Or should I just borrow everything and keep suffering and feeling lonely all the time because of this? I know all this sounds selfish, maybe I'm. But I just want SOMETHING to happen already...

Replying too KnucklesNation:
First off, nice name. I've never said it like that but he knows I love him. I'm not sure what I'm, and true is I don't really care. All I know is right now, the person I love is V.

Replying too Myclosetisfull:
This is probably the last part for now, so yeah

 

I kind if hope people answer this now please

 

Replying to Chip:
I guess my problem is that I've been holding onto that small chance without doing much about it. I remember this time I was cooking for us an I caught him staring at me, I smiled and he smiled back. He said "Man, wished you cooked for me everyday." I smirked and asked "are you hitting on me?" and he said "Maybe". Situations like that happens time to time. Most of the time I cause them, I admit, but sometimes he does. I know I'm seeing what I want to see, but... idk...

I know him well. That's why I'm planning to tell things in a playful way, without any unnecesary tension or drama. (I've been practicing my lines, lol) This way, even if he rejects me, at least I would have told him what I need to say, without making things awkward.

Replying to KnucklesNation:
Aw, thanks!

I wanted to reply yesterday but you reply left me thinking... especially the question. To be honest, I don't think it's worth risking my friendship with him, and at this point it's kind of late to try to live without him in my life (We've tried during our fights but we eventually find each other again). Now I know that even If I tell him how I feel, he wouldn't take it badly. Honestly there's a really high chance he knows already. Like I said in my reply to chip, I'll say things in the most natural way I can, and only about what I feel, without asking anything or expecting anything back.

Replying to Anon1201:
Thanks for your comment. Wish me luck!

 

I'll keep you all updated on what happens. Thanks everyone!

 

Replying to ExPonto:
Well we talked and it went well. Thanks for your input! My next post will say what happened.

 

So as a 'thank you' for you guys, I'll tell you what happened yesterday.

We spent the weekend together. Saturday we played games, watched movies and had a great time. Yesterday mostly the same except that at night I told him that I wanted to talk and that we should go for a walk.

We walked to the park near his home and sat in a chair, it was late at night so there was no one around. I started with "Remember when we first met a few years ago?" he replied with "Yeah, my butt still hurts from that kick sometimes." We giggled at that. I said "We have come a long way, huh?" he said "We have. Why you bringing this up?" I started feeling nervous but I knew I had to tell him, so I continued "Before I tell you... I just want to say that you're my best friend, and now I realize that's the most important thing. I'm not telling you this so you feel guilty, or responsible for anything, I also don't expect anything that you're not willing to give. I love you, V. I've loved you for a while now, and I want to know how you feel. Because It's starting to kill me, it kills me that I don't know what you truly feel."

He didn't replied immediately, but he eventually did. "I'm sorry that I've never come clean with you about this. I love you man, and If I was into males, you're the only one I would even consider to be with. Heck, you're the only reason I've doubt my sexual orientation in the first place, you damm... cute. But there is a reason that I would rather just be really close friends, you know? I suck at this love thing... you know, how I've been in an out of relationships? I've lost all contact with all those girls. I don't want that with you. I want you in my life... I need you in my life. Like I said I've thought about what I am. I don't see myself like that with another man. Yeah I love you, but I don't think I could ever make you happy. I don't think I love you the way you love me, I wish I did, you're an amazing human being and the most important person in my life, but you deserve someone that gives you his or her 100%, and I couldn't do that. You've been in my best and in my worst, you've always been there for me even when I treated you like shit... I don't think I could ever pay you for that in this lifetime."

I let that sink in for a while and said "Thanks for been honest with me. I understand what you say, and it's okay. I just... wanted to tell you because I needed to know. Sorry If I ever made you feel gay (we laugh about this a lot, then I continued) I'm still not sure what I am. To be honest you're the only guy I've ever loved this way... but I'll let time answer that question for me, at least know i now you wouldn't mind so that's really cool from you. I want you in my life as well... I need you in my life too. So why don't we just make a deal? We keep being friends like we always have but now that we both know what the other one feels, we stablish our relationship in those terms, 'Bromance' sound good?"

"Yeah, that sounds perfect. Now come here an let me hug you already?" We embraced for a really long time, it felt really nice. Oh, I also ... " Really... you grabbing my ass?" he said "Just a little." I replied "Whatever. You damm perv." he said and grabbed mine. "Let's just not make this a thing please." he said. We laughed so hard that an old man starting yelling at as to shut up.

After that I decided to go home so he walked me to grab a taxi. "See ya later then?" I asked "Always." He replied with a smile. "Always." I said back and then I left.

This is my love story with my best friend and how our friendship turned into a bromance. Thanks everyone for your support! I couldn't have done this with your help

 

Aw, thanks! (I'm actually writing one but on my mother tongue cause my english is a little broken at times )