I don't feel like coming out, I don't feel like making an announcement. My immediate family knows and I don't feel like I need to tell anyone else unless I want to, and I don't want to. Honestly I don't want to deal with the crap that comes along with it. When coming out has anyone ever just ditched/or purposefully lost contact with your current friends and just started over again so you wouldn't have to deal with "coming out"? I know it sounds like a crappy thing to do but I'm just being honest. I haven't even started the process yet and I'm already feeling like f*ck this I'm done.
hey youknow201! I personally agree with you. I think that you don’t have to come out to anyone if you don’t want to, like do you expect people saying, “hey I’m straight.” ? I mean if you feel comfortable telling certain people then yeah go ahead but you shouldn’t have to. As long as people like YOU, your sexuality/gender identity should matter. Your bi friend, Chibi
You have a right to keep your sexuality, and any info about yourself really, private. It's your business and if you don't wanna have to come out to people all the time then you shouldn't have to, and frankly don't have to, cause you don't owe anyone that information (unless maybe they're ur partner?)
You would ditch a friend so you don't have to deal with coming out? One thing that is often stated on this website is that if a friend doesn't accept you, and rejects you because you are gay or bisexual, then that person wasn't really a true friend anyway. The reverse is also true. If you would dump your friends simply because you don't want to risk rejection from them, then what kind of friend are you? Your friends might well accept you completely, and you might find yourself being even closer friends to them once you start being your true self around them. Of course you don't have to come out to anyone - that's always your choice. But pre-emptively dumping your friends to avoid coming out to them doesn't sound like you treat your friendships as important to you. It sounds to me like you are using "Honestly I don't want to deal with the crap that comes along with it." as a mask for the real reason: fear. Just some thoughts to think about....
Generally speaking, the reason people don't come out is because there's unaddressed shame about being gay. Shame is basically the deeply held belief that we aren't worthy of love and belonging, and as others have stated, if you look at yourself and your choices here, I think you'll find some resonance. If a person truly loves him or herself fully, then there's no reason to worry about what someone else will think about who they are. So when we choose to conceal who we are, then we are basically attempting to "fit in" by avoiding something that we fear others would judge us for. And the problem with that is it typically leads to a spiral where we feel even less worthy, because then we start judging ourselves unconsciously for not fitting in. What we've seen a lot here at EC over the years is that in the early stages of self-acceptance and coming out, people tell just a handful of people, and avoid telling others. They will often passively allow others to believe they are straight, and sometimes go along with misperceptions or actively say things that further them. And that's where it erodes self-worth. The good news generally is that as we learn to accept and love ourselves more fully, we are able to let go of the fear of being our authentic selves, and let people see us as we truly are... recognizing that anyone who is worthy of our friendship isn't going to judge us for being gay, and anyone who does judge us isn't worthy of our friendship. Brené Brown is a researcher who has studied shame, authenticity and vulnerability for about 18 years now, and has written extensively on this subject (though not on LGBT people specifically). I highly recommend taking a few minutes and watching her TED talk "The Power of Vulnerability." If that one resonates, her other two TED talks, "The Price of Invulnerability" and "Listening to Shame" expand on that and can be very helpful in leading you toward a path of authenticity.
Hey thanks for the response, I really appreciate your insight. Some of the things you said make sense, I'd be lying if I said fear wasn't apart of the equation but I don't think its the biggest one at all. The fact of the matter is that with some of my friends the dynamic and their views of me will change and with others I already know they just won't accept it. They will remain civil/cordial but things will be different. So since I know this information to be true already why waste my time and put myself through that. I don't want to deal with it, and I don't think I should have to.
Well I feel, yes I used to always feel ashamed and confused of my feminine desires and in the fear lost rather beautiful love opportunities when beautiful men in fact were showing intense interest in me and we had all the perfect setting at different occasions. But after being at EC I have accepted beautifully of who I am. But at the same don't feel any need or urgency to shout to the world that look guys inside my apparently male body I am a beautiful tender girl. But I am so happy with myself now. Though at this age (I am 58) perhaps there will never come a love opportunity but in case it comes, I know I will behave more honestly as a female.... without shame I think.
You don't have to deal with it. You can just move away, walk out of these people's lives, and never talk to them again. They will remember the fake you and perhaps will never know the real you. But please consider that the dynamic of your friendships and their views of you won't matter because you will have abandoned those friendships anyway. You don't want their view of you to change, so you're going to dump them and move away. Won't that also change their view of you? Now they just think you're a jerk for dumping them. This script in your head - "I'd rather they think I'm a jerk than knowing I'm gay" is exactly what Chip was talking about. One more thought - your friends who are unaccepting - there are many, many examples of people who change their opinions when they find out someone they know and respect is gay. It changes their views because they always thought of gay people as "other" and it shocks them to learn that gay people are normal people. In addition to overcoming your own internal shame by coming out and proudly being your authentic self, you may have the opportunity to change some minds as well. No, you don't have to come out. But I think it will help you if you do. I will leave you with this quote from Harvey Milk: “Every gay person must come out. As difficult as it is, you must tell your immediate family. You must tell your relatives. You must tell your friends if indeed they are your friends. You must tell the people you work with. You must tell the people in the stores you shop in. Once they realize that we are indeed their children, that we are indeed everywhere, every myth, every lie, every innuendo will be destroyed once and all. And once you do, you will feel so much better."
I suggest giving your friends the opportunity to show you what true friends they are. You may lose some but you'll be even more solid with the ones who stand by you.
