So ive looked into it and it seems my sexuality isnt as abnormal as i thought , im bi i guess id call it but im physically and mentally attracted to females, not physically or mentally attracted to males at all, but attracted to penisis and very into anal penatration. I experimebted with dildos as a teen and im 23 now, since turning 19 ive experimented with 4 guys , bottoming and giving oral, never recieving or toping, or making out, never a romantic relationship its just not wat im into. Any ways i have a lot of friends, most of whom i grew up with, and who didnt know any of my gay encounters. The times i did hook up were random and since they were purley for physical plessure, once that plessure was fulfilled i always would beat myself up and wonderrd wat came over me , and was terrified at the thought of someone finding out. Well recently someone did, and word spread around. It honestly isnt as bad as i imagined , i have great friends , but theres one part in this equation thats really fucking me up mentaly, and making it hard to show my face around people. Since i only wanted sex and no ramance, and since i wanted to bottom, i looked for and eventually met up with older tops, bc i thought being with someone my age made it more , for lack of a better term gay lol. I wanted a top who didnt want anything except sex and who wouldnt romantisise it. Strictly buisness was how i felt. But now one of the girls who was one of the first to out me, keeps making comments about how being with a guy as old as her dad sounds disgusting, and now since im forced to view my encounter as though it was a normal attraction since people will, it does make me look gross. I thought it kind of was at the time but like i said it was just for anal penetration. Also im already an awkward person when it comes to dirty talk. When in tgat mood id be extra nervous and awkward in my emails.. that have now been read... Going back re reading them knowing orher people have is making me have mental breakdowns. Id say stuff like , " fuck ya daddy im so horny right now i want u to stretch my pretty litlle hole with thay fat cock"... I know its a litlle much like i said my dirty talk is awkward and now imagine people i know just now finding out the gay encounters ive had reading messages like that, and seeing me talking to guys 30 years older than me. Its not bad enough i was outed when i didnt wanna be but people dont jus think im gay... They think im this disgusting, grosse freak. I dont blame them the messages make me look like i have some fetish of being raped or abused, i think most of the people on here get that its simply dirty talk, and my hookups were all casual and normal" yes with older men but idk i feel like everyone i see now puts on a fake smile bc there nice and understanding but its allways awkward and i know theyve read those messages and are disgusted by them. So ya lifes really hard and changing for me rn, dont really have any questions or need advise just needed to get this off of my chest im using it as a sort of theropy... If u wanted to leave a comment or had some opinion id love to read it ... Thanks for taking the time to read this everyone
Hi, and welcome. First, it's awesome that you're reaching out to talk about this. I can imagine how difficult, embarrassing, and uncomfortable it must have been for your friends to find out, and then to have to deal with the issue of being with older men. I'm going to suggest some things you may not want to hear, but I think it might be useful for you to think about them. I don't know you, so I may be entirely off base, but I can infer some things from what you've said, and base what I'm saying on hearing many, many other people express similar feelings and experiences to yours over the past years. What I am hearing from what you describe is someone who is going through the stages of loss (loss of identity as straight.) These stages are denial-anger-bargaining-grief-acceptance. They aren't necessarily sequential, and it can take anywhere from hours to months or longer to go through them. So I wonder is if the way you describe your desire for sex with men may be a combination of denial and bargaining; the "Well, if it were with guys my own age, it would be more gay" is exactly what I'd expect of someone who has created various "rules" to rationalize their behavior and stay in denial. The strict limitations about what you would and would not do would also tend to support this idea, and by intentionally choosing hookups, and older guys you wouldn't have attraction to, you can rationalize that it isn't really "gay", just "taking care of business." Except... generally, that's BS, and is, in fact, a rationalization that stands in the way of fully accepting who you are. It sounds like you enjoy the sex itself. It also sounds like there could be perhaps some poor self-esteem and self-judgment going on for you, otherwise, you wouldn't feel the shame about your partners. So if you want to explore the possibility that you may in fact basically be rationalizing behavior to avoid coming to terms with the possibility you might be gay... I think that might be a good thing for you. You may find, if you allow yourself to open up to it, that you could really connect with another guy around your own age. If you allow yourself the possibility, you could find someone who is far more than just a hookup, someone you'd love and care about. I realize there are walls in place preventing this right now... but what I wonder is if those walls are simply defense mechanisms to be able to rationalize enjoying gay sex while still holding a belief that you're straight. Again, all of this could be totally off base. My opinion and $4 will buy you a cup of Starbucks. But perhaps you'll find it useful. If any of this does resonate with you, then you have something to explore and think about, and everyone at EC is here to help you explore and understand your feelings.
Thanks for the reply.. Ive obviously thought it through many times , am i gay, and let me tell u why i feel its more a plessure thing for me and see wat u think. First and the main thing, this me being 100 percent honest , too u and my self , id be lying if i said otherwise, forget females for a sec, wich i am completley attracted to find beuatiful and sexy, ive never seen a male and thought they were hot or felt like i wanted to be more than friends with someone . i have a large group of close friends ive spent close time witg for years, they are all good looking men, im confident enoufh to say that without thinking im attracted to any of them, im not, and if i really am full on gay i feel like at least one of them i would have had certain feelings for now or at some point. Even if i watch porn it turns me off if the two males kiss i turn it right away. Also i have another theory id like ur opinion. So like i said i like anal penetration. And i have a very nice ass, when im in that mood i love to play with it, i love when a top plays with it and tells me how good it looks. With that in mind i also have a smaller than average penis. Im tall and since highschool have had low self esteem about this . so much so that certain relationships with girls when they cross the friend zone to romantic im verry excited but then frightened and cant stop thinking about pulling my pants down with them and it being so outrageously small, and my thighs are a litlle hairy i just really think its tge most disgusting thing and i shut off , become overly shy, and eventually destroy the relationship. Do u think me liking ass play is simply bcause its my best attribute? I have a sexual void abd it was my way to fill it? I know warlt ur saying but im being 100 percent honest i find girls attractive , and not guys so wouldbt that mean im not tecniqley gay? And im nor trying to reach that conclusion ive had anal sex before in most peoples eyes it dosent matter im gay. Also when in that mood if watching gay porn when i bust i always regret watching gay porn and am disgusted if tgat means anything. But ur righy about my self esteem and meeting up with certain people i feel like i might be to ugly sometimes for a younger top but still only want to bottom for him in my mind and am not fantasysing about making out. Any way let me kniw wat u think thanks for responding its really helping me talking this out with someone
I agree with Chip that you are objectifying your sexual desire and denying the possibility there is a deeper and more emotional need you are fulfilling through your sexual encounters. As far as stressing about what people may think of you, we all do that, straight and gay alike, but what is causing you the most stress is how people may perceive you based on your sexual preferences so I'll offer you this bit of advice. While people may demonstrate negative behavior towards you for your sexuality the fact is those same people would demonstrate negative attitudes towards you for something else if they weren't aware of that aspect of your life. Some people simply aren't going to like you period and will look for anything about you that justifies their own opinion. Those that truly care don't and won't judge you for your life choices and will tend to council you if they feel you are stepping off the line. HTH
The main problem is me though... I mean its 2018 people are open enough and my real friends will accept me , the problem is i feel straight and am heterosexual in my everyday life, thats the real me regardless of how i am sexually, i mean thats the main point im trying to get across is that ya certain times i feel like bottoming but at the end of the day i want to be with a girl and have kids and a family , but now that people know i have a gay side some people act different around me like im fully gay but thats not the real me id be faking if i acted more fem and into more homosexual stuff dressed dif ect... I hate now how and mabey its in my head but how everyone im around think that im being fake acting heterosexual and weating looser fitting clothes so i just feel wierd around people now and it is a lot in my head i have to get over it but its natural when u find out someones gay even if its purley a sexual thing and im bi , people are going to act different around me now and that doesnt even mean there judging me or dont like me but u no there just gonna be dif now and i hate that its just something that im gonna have to get used to over time
jared 23 you sound like me a few months ago. I have read a few post similar to Chip's and jaimeGaye's and i tryed to accept the fact, that i am gay... just tried. And the more and more i read and ecplore my feelings, the more i beginn to realize that it could be true. When it helps you, here is the path i went (with alink to my story). I am shure you will recocnize yourself... (at least a bit): https://forum.emptyclosets.com/index.php?threads/when-did-you-have-this-moment.468287/#post-6572943 And this is just not true. Believe me! I also had this picture in my head of a gay man: pink pants, tight muscle shirt, wavy hands while speaking, etc... I see myself as a "manly" man. I have my torso full of tattoos, love to ride my motorbike, drink beer with friends (i hate champagne), like manual work with wood or metal, go to metal concerts.... etc. And i like bottom sex! You are not alone. And forget this cliche picture of THE gay man.
No i get that especially how ive experimented i know that being gay isnt some certain criteria but i feel like other people think that for example a girl who knows asked me if she could paint my nails, and put makeup on me thatsvkinda wat im talking about its people who are supportuve and friends but theyre pushing it on me when i have no interest in being out let alone wearing make up , and thanks for all the replys but like i said in my first post im venting right now, im not confused or questioning anything at this point im 100 percent confident in wat i am, i appreciate ur situations and similarities and i get u wanna get me to go for it bc if i was suppresing being fully gay it would cause me to be unhappy, but theres no question in my mind i will never date , or have any sort of romantic relationshio with a male that is more than hooking up and leaving. I promise ive never once had thoughts about being with a man other than when im in the mood for anal and then i really only look at the persons character so i dont meet up with a dangerois or abusive person, and there penis. Ive had plenty of male friends, roomates, and have never once had any attraction to or even a feeling that i wanted to bottom for any of them, i no for a fact i will never have a boyfriend or go on a date with another male, i would never even bottom for someone i new outside of my gay life even if they came out to me and wanted to, it just really does not sound appealing whatsoever theres no doubt in my mind or denial, ive excepted the fact that i like anal, that was hard enough for me i used to make up reasons why but have come to accept thath fact, and i know for a fact theres nothing else for me to accept i would be lying to myself and unhappy if i tried to be in a relationshil with a male. Im attracted to women , physically and emotionally i fall in love with women vert easy, i am at a turning point now though where ive finnaly accepted i have a gay physical side , but i am just not ur standard gay or bi sexual im not trying to figure this out its very very clear to me. So now i need to get over the fact that people no i like to play with my ass, and hopefully i can find a girl who finds that sexy if i find a girl who i hit it off with , and shes also into my ass and playing with it, it would be the perfect match for me. This is where im at im positive. But thanks a lot for the replys its been a big help getting all of this off my chest and talki g about it u guys have been a huge help.
Ou ok. Since your situation is similar to mine, i assumed it may go into the same direction. I am pretty sure that there are women that like active anal sex too. I wish you all the best.
