EDIT: sigh...I posted this in the wrong area. Sorry :/ Hey guys. I don't think I've posted here yet. This is a pretty weird first post. Lol. Anyway... I'm 15. I grew up in a conservative Christian household. I am homeschooled, and regularly attended homeschool co-ops with heavy Christian themes for many years. I went to a church with a sexist, homophobic pastor (who was also the father of my two best friends). The typical life of a homeschooler in the Bible Belt. I discovered I liked girls when I was 11ish. I grew up suicidal and hating myself, knowing that being gay was Wrong and I was Going To Burn in Hell. However, over the years, my parents have become more and more open minded. They're still very much Christian, and still attend that church, but when I came out, they were way cooler with it than they would have been in my earlier years. My problem is that I can't let the past go. I hated myself for years and years. It caused depression and severe and constant panic attacks, along with a bunch of weird thought processes and insecurities. My parents now completely deny that they were ever homophobic, which makes it worse. I know that I should be grateful that they're more accepting now, but I'm so resentful. It makes me feel like a piece of shit but I've got so much anger from years of being taught I was a disgusting, immoral piece of garbage. They're trying so hard to be involved in my life, but every time, I flash back to 13 year old me sobbing in a church bathroom and throwing up from panic attacks and I shut them out again. Am I just ungrateful and bitter? Or am I justified in feeling this way? Does anyone else feel like this?
Justified, maybe. Ungrateful, yes. I'd like nothing more than having my whole family accept me the way I am and support me. I wouldn't care about their homophobic past and hurtful things they've so often spewed out, if I'd only know I could freely bring up my life and plans for the future that don't involve lying or sidestepping the occasional 'your wife' conversation. Would I hold them responsible for not allowing me a normal childhood and adolescence? Sure, but I'd be grateful for anything I can get right now. We need to remember we're extremely privileged and that millions of LGBT people from waaay less accepting countries have to deal with 10 times worse shit that we do. They probably wish their sexuality weren't banned by law and that they weren't at risk of dying every single day for who they are. That's what I call a justified resentment and ungratefulness. You need to start appreciating the things you've got and be grateful you aren't in a shit situation like literally most of the world.
I'm going to answer with a different perspective, the "extremely privileged" LGBT perspective. Yes, it is important to remember your situation could be worse, but just because your situation is better than somebody else's, that does not automatically make it good. It seems very clear to me that your early childhood was traumatizing to you and this is what is making you feel resentful later in life. I don't know enough about your situation to draw a clear connection between this trauma and your parents' involvement, but either way, if they are not homophobic now, you should be able to tell them how you feel - that you might like to involve them in your life, but you are still struggling with the way you were brought up. If they are truly sympathetic, they will understand. You should not jump straight into erasing the past or immediately forgiving it, that tends to cause suppression, which will make you unhappy. It might take a while to undo those notions that were drilled into you in your youth. Nobody should grow up thinking they are an abomination even if their parents decide to accept them. You should not force yourself to be more grateful, that, again, puts you into the position of blaming yourself. It is not your fault. You should, rather, work on putting your childhood fears at bay. Talk to your parents. Explain to them why you are resentful. That way they will know your hesitation to be closer to them is not a rejection of themselves but of your childhood experiences.
I agree with much of what Flynn says above. Your parents still go to the same church, even though they have moderated their personal views, so what has changed for them? Presumably the Pastor hasn't changed his tune or method of preaching, so how have they arrived at a place of greater acceptance? Have they begun to study the Bible in more depth? Have they realised that the Bible isn't quite what we've been led to believe? Have you done anything like this yourself to gain a feeling of closure? It might be worth asking your parents how they have arrived at a position where they can accept and love you for who you are.
Thank you, Flynn S. I really appreciate your view as well. I only came out a month ago, so maybe things will change with time. Thanks a ton for the suggestions, because I really don't know how to navigate all this.
I don't believe that much has changed as far as their personal views, but they've just accepted that they won't be able to change me and left it at that. I think what really changed is they realized that it's not actually a choice. We just don't talk about it. I think it's easier for them. They're fantastic parents otherwise, but I've made this pretty awkward for them. I guess I'll have to try talking to them at some point though.
