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Help - Not sure If I'm gay

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by LifePerson, Feb 15, 2018.

  1. LifePerson

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    Hey everyone, I can no longer recognize myself If I'm straight or gay. Well, I never had these desires as it's becoming more and more by the time.. As a kid I was interested in men but wouldn't get in a real relationship with men, since I was only into women in terms of having a relationship and this has changed in the recent years. But as I remember, all of this has started to change when I was bullied (for No reasons) and also, through all the years at the school and sometimes would be called "gay" maybe because of my look(it might be because I had a friend who's gay and I was always the person that defends him against any fights), laughed at and get in fights that were made up just for me(One of the bullying groups(for no reason) whom planned well and threw chemical substances into my face (making it look as an accident) trying to damage my face and eyes and that wasn't successful and I'm glad it wasn't.. The teachers and the headmaster wouldn't actually care.. Because of this It has caused severe depression and anxiety and whenever I do remember it triggers and I would feel as If I'm a gay(In my thought, that this attraction was developed due to bullying).. where when I'm trying to be busy.. this thoughts start to disappear and I also developed an addiction due to stress.

    I don't hate people who're gay since in real I do accept them and this was never an issue. But I sometimes feel that I'm not a gay person. The best thing that I always depended on myself and I've succeeded all the way through the life but the past hunts me lately and couldn't manage to rid of it.. Yeah well, I've chosen to write in this forum because it's an accepting forum. Thanks :busts_in_silhouette:
     
  2. YermanTom

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    Just a few things!

    People get bullied for one reason and one reason only. The bully needs someone to bully, the excuse is irrelevant. It is not the victims fault.

    Being 'not sure' or confused is perfectly normal. Most people go through this stage. Some people spend their entire lives confused. There is nothing wrong with being confused.

    A lot of the gay people that I know have, or had, greater difficulty accepting themselves being gay rather than accepting other gay people.

    You display great resilience and strength dealing with things by yourself, but sometimes it takes greater strength to reach out and ask for help. Asking for help is not a sign of weakness, but it shows bravery. It takes a lot of courage to show your vulnerability.

    Learning to figure yourself out and accept and love yourself is a long journey. You have started by reaching out and posting on this forum.

    Gay, straight or whatever everyone is welcome here and we are all on the journey of figuring ourselves out.
     
  3. LifePerson

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    Thanks for posting such a wonderful comment. I've been trying to figure out myself.. So I sometimes did prefer myself as a gay.. but I have no idea what happened.. I can no longer see myself as a gay.. Yes I've had a huge attraction toward males which has been for more than 6 years but today when I try to imagine it happening in real.. I don't seem to really enjoy it.. So I don't know what's wrong. In fact, I've just spotted that I'm having severe depression and anxiety.. which lead into many addictions(I've not known this for years) and the attraction toward males only happens when I'm remembering the past(when meeting new people) which is a bad habit. I'm a young man and since I've studied sociology and psychology.. I've found that people who bully does leave signs in the victims personality while hurting him/her.. I'm not denying myself(I did categorize myself as gay and coming out wasn't an issue to me). but while studying.. most of the way my brain thinks has changed. I'm having a war with myself now.. I'm trying to figure out.. how to go back to my old life (before all the years of bullying) and how to get rid of depression and anxiety. Back then I was happy and had a great life style and after these hard years.. I'm serious and not that much happy anymore. There are positive changes that did occur(through these hard times), which is rebuilding my personality. It's hard to try to bully me today. Everyone around me is forced to respect me and whenever I see victims being bullied around me, I'm able to defend who's in need without getting hurt once again although the past hunts me.
     
  4. PatrickUK

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    I can resonate with your story on so many levels, because I too was bullied at school because of my sexuality. Before I'd even fully connected with the idea that I was/am gay myself, the bullies had decided for me and they were relentless in hammering it home. For almost five years, I ran the gauntlet of verbal abuse, pushing, shoving and assault for being queer (and various other offensive terms) and it left deep scars. It made me more introverted, timid and withdrawn and I had to work hard to move beyond it... but I did.

    When I finally realised that I am gay, it opened the floodgates and I struggled badly with acceptance. Did they plant the idea in my head? Did they see right through me? Was I proving them right and giving them a final win? Silly and irrational thoughts, because these people were no longer part of my life, but that's how it was. Does any of this sound familiar?

    If the memories are still haunting you and you cannot move beyond them... if they are clouding your view of your sexuality, I would urge you to speak to a therapist (ideally, one who specialises in LGBT and bullying/victim issues) who will work with you to overcome everything. If you engage with the process fully, confusion should lift and answers may emerge about your sexuality. I'm not saying it will be easy because you may have to confront some triggering issues, but don't let the memories stop you from doing it. Bullies like to make us believe we are weak and pathetic, but reaching out for help is a sign of strength and determination to move on, so giving you the final win.

    I have made a success of my life. I put my demons to bed, came to terms with my sexuality and dated other guys - because that's who I am. I'm now happily married to my husband, we have our own home and car and I work full time in a well paid and responsible job, and I also give back to my community. Sounds a little boastful, I know, but there's a reason for my boasting.... I have made life work for me, while the people who bullied me are now dead beats. After attempting to ruin my life, they ruined their own. So guess who's having the last laugh?
     
  5. LifePerson

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    Thanks for taking a time to read my message and to reply. Your words won't be forgotten.
     
  6. polecat

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    Hello LifePerson
    I want to say that I totally understand about how it was for you in school as I too had similar experiences in school . I was secretly in love with my gay best friend all threw school (never told him how I felt) I have struggled for years with the thoughts am I gay or am I straight . I have found what has helped me the most is talking to a LGBT friendly therapist I am not telling you to do that I am just saying it has helped me so much . I now have accepted my sexual feelings and now embracing them head on and I can tell you that I never expected the huge weight that has lifted off me now.
    You will know if you are gay ,straight ,bi or what ever when the time is right ,there is no reason to try and rush things . One day it will hit you and you will be like yes I am ........... :slight_smile: Just remember you are here among friends and the most supportive forum there is ( I am so glad to be here also ) and if you ever need to talk I would be honored to talk with you and I am sure others here would say the same thing .
    Please try to keep your head up and stay positive and remember everyone deserves to be happy and live there life the way they see fit ! I wish you all the best and many many great big hugs :slight_smile: . Will you keep us updated on how you are doing ?
    Have a great day !!
     
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  7. LifePerson

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    Hey Polecat,
    I've gone through most of that.. knowing who am I.. after the study.. I stated that I think bullying can be the reason to all of these situations.. bullying, depression, anxiety, overthinking and stress are related(I've studied sociology and psychology and gone through many different books and everything from how the brain works to the causes of these situations and how do people behave in the society in different cultures).. I did accept myself to lift off the huge weight that was on me long time ago(years ago) and knew I had weird attractions.. recently I've decided to start all over and challenge myself to overcome the old thoughts by looking at the causes, reasons, and the core of the problem. Even though it won't be very easy but I also think it's unfair to live my life according to the bullies forced thoughts. I'm doing great, there's nothing to worry about. Thanks.
     
  8. polecat

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    That is good to hear that you are accepting of your self and are going to try and work threw this ruff and difficult time in your life . I wish I was a brave and able to deal with things back when I was younger if I had not found this amazing LBGTQ friendly therapist to help me threw everything who knows what would have become of my life .Enough about me I am super stoked and happy for you !! I know that you say that you are doing well and not to worry , just know that we are here if you ever need to chat I know I would be glad to talk to you or anyone that needs to talk,vent or just need a shoulder to cry on . I wish you all the best and may you find that special someone that makes you happy and have many many years together :slight_smile:
     
  9. LifePerson

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    This forum is amazing, I've read many posts and it did help me understand other people.. I've posted this post to see if anyone else in the forum has experienced the same thing in life, have studied what I have or not and also to read others opinions.. Most of the people I've talked to/seen that has these attractions have been bullied, etc.. that's another reason why I'm into this change. The therapists are great and they do help us to get rid of stress, depression and life issues.. that's why I mentioned that the depression and stress can be caused by the past issues that we faced and couldn't connect them together(which happened to me years ago).. I've not seen anyone else talking about this.. the older you get, the more freedom and power you have, nothing is impossible. Thanks for your kindness.. I'm here for this purpose and I'm happy to see great responses from whoever responded to this post. :grinning::thumbsup: