Tempted to Go Back

To answer your questions, yes, I think I do know it. And I don't do anything about it, just observe it and let it pass because I find it does pass. It's as if the questioning melted something that was solid and now it's in a state of flux, ebbing and flowing.

 

It would be very easy for me to run and hide. I've done it my whole life. It would be easy for me to not face life head on. It would be easy for me to just go along and not do what really should be done. I have done all of this my whole life. It became habitual. It became instinctive when in certain situations.

But, for me, it was too hard to maintain. It was exhausting. And I could not find comfort in the facade I had built.

I got to a point within my self where I had two questions to ask my self. One question was- Is the facade worth the effort, or is the truth easier to live? What would happen along the way if I kept up the hiding, the giving in, the uneasy feelings of not being true to my self? How would I feel emotionally and physically? To be honest, I don't know. Except for one thing. I am sure I would be very miserable within myself. And that would probably affect not only me but others around me.

The second question I have to ask my self is- When it is all said and done and I look back, what will I see? A life of misery and unfulfillment within? Or a life well spent and satisfying? Will I look and see a person who made the most of all that was to be offered? Or just let everything slip by without any effort to see what could have been?

Fear is a big hurdle. And what one might think is comfortable, is it really as comfortable as it might seem? Or is it as easy in the dark as one might think? I have had to confront this within myself. It is not easy. It has and still takes some doing to do. At least for me. The struggles aren't going away, just the feeling of being able to face them is coming into the forefront.

But I want to be free. It is something I have felt my whole life. I didn't want to know what was true, but also wanted to be free. Such a tug-of-war from within for me. And, just maybe, the risk of it all might be the satisfying thing in all of this.

I don't know if all of this answers your question. But I only know that the freedom within is slowly growing. At least for me.

 

The thing about feelings is that they are only part of the picture and they are not inherently rational. It's very fulfilling to pursue good feelings but feelings of course change and end ... perhaps reappearing unbidden from time-to-time. There's also the logical part of your brain that counts the costs and considers the risks of coming further out of the closet. Perhaps you need to deal with that for now by deciding if the risks/costs are worth it and trying to develop a picture of what your life would be like after you came out. I would analogize it somewhat to planning a trip to a foreign country that you've never visited before. It's fun and exciting to think how it will feel to be in a new place surrounded by beautiful sights ... but at some point you have to get down to the nuts and bolts of arranging flights, lodging, money (can I afford it?), arranging time off from work ... well you get the picture.

 

I have a pretty good understanding of what you mean. I'm 41 now, and at several points in my youth I wanted so badly to just be out. When I was 16 I fell for my male best friend. I was in a psychiatric facility then and had discussed my feelings with several staff and with some of the friends I had there. At 19, I lived on my own for the first time, and again wanted to move forward in the process of being out. I talked to some friends of mine about it at the time, and even went thru with a friend's plan of meeting their ex who was bi. I felt no attraction for him tho, so nothing became of that. Anyhow, given my incredible shyness, and lack of knowledge of other LGBT people, I just kinda trudged on and tried not to really think too much of it.
I feel as if the relationships I've had with women were more or less something I just kinda "fell into". I had strong feelings for females in my younger years but I know I also suppressed a lot of thoughts I had about guys too. I think I settled into relationships with females simply because I was 1) tired of being alone and 2) it was just the "normal course" I assumed was expected of me.
There IS safety in the closet, but eventually you start seeing it less as a closet, and more so like a prison.
I have felt broken for so long, and I place a lot of that on my inability to embrace my sexuality before. You build walls to keep distance from others because of the fear that the ppl closest to you will reject you if they know the truth. As bad as that is, when you've spent so many years like that, it does offer a perverse sense of comfort, but only because it is pretty much all you know.

 

Most older, aggressively out queers told me that living authentically leads to happiness. This means, according to them, not living a lie. I started coming out in 2013, so slowly and anxiously. I’m like 90% out now, and while it’s hard (I still don’t understand dating, but I didn’t when I dated men either), I feel better.

It is ultimately your decision, but as mentioned above, feelings pass. See how you feel tomorrow or later this week.

 

i considered it, and being Bi, it would be very easy. but the closet is no place to spend a life. so I Blew it UP!! then completely burned the rubble. the whole Kill it with Fire approach. but I have another closet, being trans and ive considered staying in that one but nope, not gonna happen, ive worked too hard, ive seen what it is to be in the light as Sarah and when I step out, im lighting a new fuse...

 

oh i have no intention of losing all of my past. in fact my name reflects my birth name. that man got me to where I am today, as well, i've been a great father and a great mom, so I've been told. why lose that? I keep my past not as an anchor but as a sign post, or series of posts showing me where I've been, what I've accomplished, and can point me to where I need to go in the future.

 

There is an excellent quote from Oliver Wendell Holmes that might help you here:

"Man's mind, once stretched by a new idea, never regains its original dimensions."

You may find that the closet you want to return to will be too small for the mind you stretched by "the memory of the Light, this recollection of feeling freed, and the opportunities, and the strength, and the confidence"...

If you forsake the limbo of the in-between, and decide once and for all that safety and comfort are not worth the price (and it is a heavy price indeed!), you will know, not think you know, but truly know the freedom that you crave...

 

“The cave you fear to enter holds the treasure you seek.” ― Joseph Campbell

Unfortunately the quick and easy path often results in pain because you don't get what you need. The more difficult and scary path is often required to get what you want in life. If you do the same thing you've done over the past 5 years, you'll be in the same place if not slightly worse in 5 years. If you stay the course and do the stuff that is scary, in a year or two, things you never thought possible will become part of your daily life. You will look back and realize the great progress that you've made. Why not start today with an action you've been putting off?

 

The part about not knowing where the river will take you is only partially true. Using the river analogy, you can find out the current speed, find out what is downstream, start getting together things you might need (an inner tube?) for when you jump, see if a change in weather is predicted, and so forth. So you make an informed decision using logic to temper and weigh your emotional drive to act.

 

I would like to second greatwhale - you have already stretched your mind a bit, and that’s irreversible. Of course you can choose to go back in the closet, but you will not be the same “dimension” you were and the closet may feel a lot smaller.

Another thought comes to mind - there’s some comfort in being insignificant. We’re so mindful of what others think about us, and so careful about who we project to be. But in reality, people are the centers of their own universes, and they will actually care less than you think. That’s not to say that you aren’t valued or that you don’t matter. Rather, you and your definition of yourself, and your moral compass is for you to decide and for others to solely understand, and hopefully accept. To live in the closet lets others define you and gives them power that rightfully belongs only to you.

That being said - the other side of the closet door is not always easy. You won’t get an owner’s manual for your new life any more than your old one, and you may feel pangs of desire for “normal”. This is where sorting out feelings from objective reality is important. At the same time, being in integrity with yourself and honoring yourself does engender a deep feeling of wholeness. So it’s necessary to navigate with both the head and the heart.

Good luck!

*warm hugs*

Patrick
Seattle, WA

 

You're welcome. I know it's scary. I've been on the ledge myself and made the leap. I've found a better campsite further down the river, a place where I can be me. My life is so much better today at this new campsite than it was at the old campsite. How high is the ledge? Maybe you can take baby steps and move closer to the river. The best antidote for fear is to acknowledge the fear and take ACTION in spite of it!

 

Sorry but I must have been too vague in my message ... my point was that when making life-changing decisions "needing to know" what might happen if and when you act is actually a good thing, and that knowledge can help you decide and also reduce anxiety. It's true there are some things you can't know or predict, but others you can and, in my opinion, if you are thinking of coming out as a married dad to minor kids you should have some idea of what could happen and how you will respond.