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i love my best friend and i really messed up

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by demipolar, Feb 18, 2018.

  1. demipolar

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    hello there, i'm new to this community and desperate for some advice or simply conversation because i don't have anywhere else to go or anyone to talk to.

    this post was initially a lot longer but i've decided to cut out all the unnecessary rambling and just give you the facts:

    i am in love with my best friend who is straight and i kind of messed around with him and now i can't deal with him.
    he is absolutely cool with it it seems because he sees no problem in "having some fun" but i am freaking out because to me it meant something. he doesn't get that i love him and i can't handle the situation any longer. i never thought i would lose control like that and it freaks me out. i've never done anything sexual with anyone so me initiating something like that makes zero sense. that's just not me and i don't understand what got into me.
    it barely matters that he can simply shrug it off because i can't.

    i've never really felt anything in my life, i can't handle being in love or desiring someone and all that. i have no words to explain how i am feeling at the moment but it's far from good.

    i need help. please help me
     
  2. becKEY0011

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    Hello there, and first off, welcome to EC. And let me start by saying this: we can't help whom we fall for, and sometimes, the people we fall for aren't always the right person. They don't even deserve us, but as my favourite author put it, "we accept the love we think we deserve".

    Firstly, I really don't know where you stand now. Are you guys still in touch? Does he know how serious you are about him, or did you just drop subtle hints and was never clear? From your paragraph, I can see how his apathy is affecting you. For him, it was only a fling, but it meant more to you. The way he did not reciprocate the feelings is hurting you, and I understand that. But you have to accept the bitter truth: you are passionate about him, and he isn't. He doesn't have that in him, given he is straight.

    It will feel impossible to accept it now, as you are still in that whirlpool of hormones. But honestly dear, you deserve better, and believe me when I say, somebody will come around who will value you as much as you do them. Love changes. For now, cry a river (or maybe not) build a bridge and get over it. That guy has no right to play with your precious feelings. Wish you all the happiness demipolar, so glad you reached out. :slight_smile:
     
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  3. demipolar

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    hey, thanks a lot for the support and kind words. it's much appreciated.

    i don't have a lot of experience with love so it might sound stupid for me to say this but i don't want anyone else. i went 20 years without ever forming a significant bond with anyone so this most be something more, something that can't just happen again. and i don't want it to happen again. you could literally give me the kindest, funniest, best looking guy on the planet and make him magically fall in love with me and i wouldn't give a damn. if i can't have HIM then i don't want anyone.

    he has no clue. i told him i'm aromantic because at that time i believed it so he has no reason to think differently.

    i feel stupid for what i did. i don't know what got into me because like i said i've never been in a sexual situation before that and never wanted to be. so it makes zero sense for me to initiate it.

    the following paragraph is going to be slightly explicit, so be warned:

    basically what happened is that we were spending some time together -several days actually- and on the last night we were hanging out and just having a chat and we were joking around a bit and i was lying with my face close to his lap and he got aroused and we joked about it and he said i was making him nervous being in that position because usually when he was in that position with someone they had something in mind. and we kept joking about it and i jokingly touched his thigh and then it somehow stopped being a joke and started stroking him and i expected him to push me away but instead he took out his dick and i sucked him off.

    that was almost a week ago and after that i completely freaked. i avoided him, i couldn't talk to him, i spend 24 hours a say internally freaking out about what i had done. in case you've been wondering what kind of person he is, he kept trying to contact me and showed up at my place because he was worried. he doesn't think about himself ever, he only thinks about the people he cares about.
    we talked yesterday and he was sweet as always and very concerned but he kept making jokes when i apologised and told him that i was freaking out about what had happened between us. he said he didn't mind and i shouldn't worry, he thought it was fun.

    basically i think to him it was just some fun like the equivalent to playing wii or watching stuff together. just some fun. nothing serious.

    and i'm here asking myself why i'm even alive lol
     
  4. Jackie Ray

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    Im in the same boat as you, I also lost my virginity to my best friend. We love each other but in far different ways, Im in love with him, and its just fun for him, usually when he gets bored of Netflix or video games. Its sucks now but stay strong and you'll move on, though you'll always love him, he was your first.

    Good luck chat with me whenever.
     
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  5. DecentOne

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    I'm going to go a different route. The above advice is probably spot-on perfect, but something about how you describe him makes me wonder...
    So does he worry that what you guys did went out of bounds for you? Is that what you are signalling to him?
    If I were him, and seeing you pull away, and hearing you say this isn't something to laugh about, I might mistakenly guess I'd pushed you too far as an aromantic person. You say he is caring and never thinks of himself. His joking might be to help you feel less bad about going beyond non-romantic, or get you to feel less apologetic, not as disrespect to you.

    On other threads the result you described could have been celebrated as a successful seduction. He was the one who unzipped, even after expressing some discomfort with you being down there. He thought it was fun. He is keeping in touch with you, not running the opposite direction.

    If you want no one else in this world, I think you need to talk this through with him clearly, or get advice here or from a counselor and figure out how you can be honest with him. He may be getting totally mixed signals. If he is as nice and caring as you make him out to be, then honesty first seems better than just cutting off first.
     
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  6. demipolar

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    please ignore if this is an inappropriate question but what effect did that have on your friendship? i mean does he know you're in love with him and if yes did it affect your friendship?


    well he said i'm overthinking and that sex is nothing to worry too much about. he kept saying that there's nothing wrong with having some fun.
    i guess he thinks i'm just embarrassed and thinking too much. he tried very hard to convince me that nothing bad happened.


    i don't even think his reaction would be bad if i told him. still even if he decided to stay friends it probably wouldn't work out. it probably would make anyone uncomfortable being close to someone you know has other things in mind than just being friends.
     
  7. Jackie Ray

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    Yes he's knows I love him, Ive told him before, but I was drunk. I havent said anything like that in years, he may not know for sure but he has to know something. I wait on his beckon call and literally bend over for him whenever he likes. Im afraid he just see's it as casual sex between friends. Im afraid that if I push him too hard, it will ruin our friendship and then I'll have nothing, its strained enough as it is.

    They say if you love him let him go, maybe its best if you and I both move on and find new guys.
     
    #7 Jackie Ray, Feb 18, 2018
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  8. DecentOne

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    But you don't know until you have the conversation. Guessing "probably" is not the same as talking it through. If he clearly doesn't want more, and you are honest that you want more (even though you once told him you were aromantic), then you can make the informed decision.

    I'd hate for him to sign up and join EC later and say "once upon a time I thought my aromantic friend really had a thing for me, and I was good with that and tried to make him feel comfortable about what we did, but then he pulled away and I'm sad because we never really talked about what it might mean for us..."

    If he ends up disrespecting the intensity of your feeling for him, and just drags things out (which is what it sounds like Jackie Ray is facing) even after you've told him (both of you sober), then that's different. I don't hear that this situation for you is ongoing... it is fresh, present, and can be clarified at this stage with honesty and openness.
     
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