This is my second post. My first post was in the Welcome forum, but to recap, I'm a retired guy in my 60's and just began coming out in January, and the reactions so far have been totally positive. I'm lucky in a sense because it wasn't fear of negative reactions that kept me from coming out sooner, it was my own confusion about my sexuality. But the uncertainty, combined with many insecurities, kept me from ever forming any intimate relationships, never even dating. I suppose I should feel lucky after reading all the stories here from guys who realized they're gay after long-term marriages with kids, and all the anguish that can cause. But I don't. Retirement forced the issue. I'm bored and lonely, and without a workplace, most days I don't even talk to anyone else (no nearby friends). I realized I couldn't face spending the rest of my life like this, and I had to change to make things better. I considered all the evidence, and though I had reasons to think I might not be gay, the facts mostly pointed the other way. It seems so obvious now, I guess I just didn't deal with it since deep down I'd prefer to be straight. I figure therapy is in the cards for me. Not to deal with being gay (I totally accept it now), but with my other insecurity issues. I'm not comfortable with my (chubby) appearance, though I'm working on that now, and have made some progress. I know I'm very risk-averse and particularly fearful of rejection or failure. I'm shy and find social conversation difficult. But I see my inexperience as the biggest thing holding me back. How many mature guys would want to date someone who doesn't even know how to romantically kiss, much less have sex? I ultimately want to be in a long-term relationship, but know there are a lot of steps between here and there. It'll be some time before I'm ready to attempt dating. In the meantime, any suggestions on activities that might help me, like support groups? And any advice on looking for a therapist? Or any other suggestions at all?
I don't know if there is an LGBT center near you but if there is they often have discussion groups. Mine has special events for older people though I'm lucky because I live in a big city with a big center. I would say to look for a therapist who knows about LGBT issues, even though you do already accept being gay. (I have a therapist who knows very little about it and frustrating to me.) There are people out there who want to meet you!
Womaninamber gives great advice. Going to some meet up groups would be great if you can find one that works for you. I don't think you should worry about your lack of experience regarding intimacy, there will be people it will be an issue for but then these are just not the right people for you. For me a long term relationship is about building something together and growing and learning and discovering together, so why not in this area too.
Stopping work can leave a big hole in your day-to-day life regardess of any issues around sexuality because it has been a social “forum” for you for so long. So it important that you begin to build a new framework that helps break the isolation. I would suggest throwing yourself in to new activities even if you feel uncomfortable about it. Developing new interests and hobbies that involve group activities. These do not have to be LGBT related although you should seek out some of those too at the same time. The idea is to widen your circle of friends of all types - some of whom may by chance happen to be gay. Ideas: Volunteering work for local charities Walking / Hiking groups Cycling groups Cinema/ theatre groups Local history/ interest groups Local LGBT groups Getting a part time job in a local charity or other shop Etc etc Finding a good therapist would be a very good step and you may like to find one that is gay and/or specialises in gay related issues. The consequence of NOT doing the above ... is exactly the isolation you are feeling now.
First off, @Travelguy, welcome! I second the idea above of finding a meetup group -- check out meetup.com and see if there's anything locally. I found a "Coming Out Late" group near me that meets once a month. I got the idea to look for one from beginning reading "Fashionably Late: Gay, Bi, and Trans Men Who Came Out Later in Life" by Vinnie Kinsella -- might be worth reading. There are a number of books on coming out later in life on Amazon, btw.
Hi Travelguy- My first suggestion would be to keep posting here on EmptyClosets. It's not the same as face-to-face connections, but there are some really good, helpful people here. It's been immensely helpful for me to be able to write about my feelings, many which I have NEVER expressed to anyone else. It really helps to communicate with other people, even if only through writing, to figure out the steps between here and there. My second suggestion would be to follow up on bingostring's suggestion, and find ways to be helpful toward other people - as a retiree you have the time and life experience to offer. I'm one of those guys you mentioned, coming to terms with my sexuality, with a family that depends on me. I'm working it out, but I'm not yet "out". To quote "looking for me" (EmptyClosets member): "If you want something you've never had, you have to do something you've never had". -Sevn
Thank you all for your replies. It's exactly the kind of support and help I was looking for! I was hoping to find a local support group but didn't know how to find one. Thank you, spartafc, for suggesting meetup.com! I checked them out and found there was a "late bloomers club" locally (in Portland). They have monthly meetings and I'm signed up for the next one in a couple of weeks. It sounds like just what I think I need. I also will begin to seek out a therapist. I think I'd be most comfortable with a gay male therapist, and I found a website (psychologytoday.com) where you can search on that criteria, and it looks like there a quite a few in Portland. I'll also check out the books on Amazon. Thanks again everyone!
The meetup groups sound like a good way yo expand your social network. I think you already have this website: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists
I saw that when you use the "gay" filter on the psychologytoday website, it just means they treat gay issues, not that the therapist is gay. But I found another listing online where I found a therapist who sounds like just the ticket, and have emailed his office. I also ordered the book you recommended, spartafc. Thanks!
Awesome! Yeah, it *might* even be the group mentioned by the author in the book -- they're based in PDX.
Just to update, the therapist I mentioned did call me back and we scheduled my first appointment on this Friday. He's an older gay male, just what I was looking for. I also found the "Late Bloomers Club" and signed up for their monthly meeting this Saturday. Spartafc, you are right, and in fact, the founder of the group is the author of "Fashionably Late" and he will be at the meeting. Thank you so much for your recommendation of that book. I got it and read it straight through. It hit home with me, bringing me more than a few tears of recognition.
