Last year, I gradually changed gender expression to masculine first when questioning gender, then in order to transition socially: for others, it's easier to remember chosen name and pronouns if I have the most masculine gender expression achievable. I also passed a pair of times ^.^ It was cool to see sometimes, at certain angles, a young guy looking back in the mirror. After a phase of mysterious repulsion, I began to miss certain things about androgynous appearance. I'm thinking about letting hair grow long again, but no longer than the neck. If I find out how to make them have sense xD and how to grow them not in a "feminine" way. Of course this way I'll never pass >.< but I'm being misgendered constantly anyway, even with short hair. But every time I run out of clean masculine clothes and wear something more androgynous, I get anxiety (dysphoria?). The same if I wear a tighter sweater that doesn't hide breast (I don't have a binder), or a more androgynous sweater, or an androgynous/neutral piece of jewelry (ex. a large ring with no decoration). Some nights, I have dreams in which I'm experimenting back in the opposite direction and look like a girl again. The awakening after them is bitter: it's the last thing I would do in real life, so why these dreams? I can't understand my brain. It seems to miss some androgyny but, every time I try something, I feel sad, embittered. Even if there's no one watching; so it's not social dysphoria. It's crazy. I missed the feeling of a ring on my finger, I've put that ring, but at the same time I feel the urge to throw it away. The same with nail polish: a few months ago, I wore the grey one repeating to myself "it's androgynous, it's fucking androgynous, some emo guys wear it. You keep nails so short and ugly that they're not girly at all." I had to remove it in the evening. What's going on? .-.
I can relate a lot to this... when I cut my hair short I end up resembling a lesbian, at first I usually hate it (despite the fact I love lesbians, I have a copy of Blue Is The Warmest Color and I know I would love being one) and I want to go back to being the delicate pretty boy with long hair who looks awesome while crossdressing but as time passes and my hair start growing back but still look short I wish I could wear a binder or something to resemble an androgynous afab person, but I know I'm just a skinny boy and I probably would not pass as the opposite sex with short hair...I recently am downloading photos of skinny tall girls with small breasts and short hair and thinking "yeah... that's how I want to be" but as I scroll IG I also think "wow this long haired guy wearing make up is so pretty I want to be just like him" and my head starts showing again pictures of pretty faces with long hair and flat chests "yes you can be like this", then the cycle repeats itself until I get back to mid lenght hair and loose contact with gender identification I usually look like my usual self (medium-long hair) in my dreams, maybe way more gender neutral than real life but in a way that I even have looked in some photos, not even I can tell if the person I am in my dreams is a guy or a girl, it's just an information that the dream itself doesn't give me, I can't even recall people using any gender pronoun, I assume these dreams are usually present time, I recently dreamed about having even shorter hair than my actual haircut and going back to middle school and being bullied, another time I dreamed myself with short hair I was 14 in the dream while 19 in real life, so I think these dreams are possibly related to your past self, maybe it's a message from your brain (?) your awakening reactions look dysphoric to me and I know a transgirl who is yet to begin transitioning and is a girl in her dreams only half of the time, but she really doesn't think much of it since for her dreams are just something randomly made up by the brain you do want to have an androgynous gender expression but maybe you're are scared it's going to make you feel more dysphoric if you don't pass, I would suggest growing back your hair either with a shaggy cut like mine or by growing all of them at the same length and wearing them with a central line to show the forehead, I would suggest the second since you are planning to look more like a guy, the first one can be androgynous too but might end up looking more cute or feminine, of course you could even just look like an emo guy, anyways grow your hair out and wear nail polish and get a binder, and go for more large clothing on the top, it's going to cover curves and sometimes even breasts and use jeans which are not too skinny, just pick up the skinny jeans from the male department, in my opinion they look pretty gender neutral, they are not too tight on the genital area and on the butt cheeks, the only problem is they tend to look too large on the feet's end in my opinion, you can look like a "guy who looks like a girl", I know a guy with really long hair and a pretty face who uses red nail polish, I think black is the most gender neutral one, always been used by rockers and goths and emos and I'm going to wear it too once I'll be out of here
I think we won the first prize on telepathy HAHAHAHAH. (Btw: and you're always winning the first prize on amount of text without a single full stop.) I hate it too when I cut my hair and at first look like a lesbian >.< then I start looking like an 11 y.o. boy. Then I look normal. Then I perceive it as girl's hair and cut it again. Now I'm probably looking like my grandma when she was young, who somehow looked like Lady Diana. Ewww. That's because hair is growing unevenly and "rounded". I try to push it behind, it stands up and I resemble a chicken. I pull it in front like a fringe and look 11. I show the central line and... there's too much white space, are my hair few even before hormones? Hahah. Bad luck. That's why I need to grow it when it's still possible: I'll end up bald at 30, like my father. I have his same face, and transition will transform me in his younger version, like a twin who made a trip from the past. Two peas in a pod. Better: two bald eggs in a pod. And what does this message mean? .–. I'll maybe try my avatar's haircut, then make it grow. :/ Imagine me showing the pic of a cartoon to the hairdresser. xD
I think you're in the same awkward state as I am... you probably already know what you are but you may be frustrated that nobody else knows what you are. So you try on things that you thing are pretty or that you like but you're disgusted by how it may be read by other people as marking you as a "cis female." At least that's what ahppens to me. I'm 100% trans male, been and still am often depressed by it. My own family and friends who know I am trans still call me a "grown woman" and other terms taht I really really really despise. It makes me wonder if I have to start doing attention-seeking garbage like cutting or shooting bullets in myself before they realize that I am a bloody guy. I don't really want to go on hormone therapy, either, which makes it harder to make it known to family that I am male.The frustration and disgust get to us sometimes. It's not always from yourself, just understand that. Sometimes it's from other people. The next time you feel a wave of disgust, ask yourself, where are the negative thoughts coming from? For me, it's not from myself. I'm in a state of perpetual disgust with society and my family for all the stuff they perpetuate about me that isn't true. But it comes out as disgust with myself and my feminine body.
eh sorry e.e I can get quite talkative online "Testosterone is bad even for males" -autoquote btw, it's in part because genetics, but for a great part because F***ING DHT, I can't say if you are going to bald or not, usually amab people take their maternal grandfather's pattern, MY GRANDPA IS 90 AND HAS FULL HEAD HAIR F*** YEAH, actually my older brother is balding but luckily I inherited my mother's pattern, which not only looks less prone to bald but has A LOT of hair, you can still block the dht during hrt with antiandrogens used for this exact purpose, many ftm guys do so to prevent balding, you are also going to be less hairy because dht is what thickens body hair, I'm planning to block it whatever happens indeed. I don't know (?) look up for dream interpretations, maybe you are feeling more feminine, not that it makes you less of a guy if you still feel like that, as I said you reaction after waking up to these dreams sounds dysphoric to me yeah that sounds like a pretty good idea to me c: I think it would fit your style
P.S.: it also depends on how slow or fast are your body's androgen receptors, mine look to be slow enough luckily lmao
