Hi. I've been wanting to contribute for awhile, way more than I do now on these forums. I figured I'd open up about my HIV status, and hoping to meet new friends who are also HIV+, and feeling more open and confortable posting here. Since, in real life, I'm lonely as fuck.. I have no one to talk to and relate with about my status. I was diagnosed in my youth after my first boyfriend cheated on me. Almost a decade later, I'm dying of loneliness (not from HIV unfortunatley, jk jk). My last relationship didn't work out because it was very uncomfortable for me dating a man who accepted my HIV status, but I didn't accept his HIV- status. It was too nerve wrackingthinking about possibly transmitting it to him (even though staiscally the chances are impressivly low), and the fact that empathy doesnt cut it for me, I need a man who relates, not just sympathizes with my HIV struggles. I'm open about my HIV status on dating and hookup apps, and it doesn't ever work out for me. I'm not concieted, but I'm very attractive and intelligent in my own way, so it hurts seeing 100's of people check me out (or view my online profiles) and not get any responses due to the fact that I'm living with HIV. When I don't include my HIV status in my profile, really hot guys hit me up, but they always reject me once I tell them I'm poz, and we never meet up for a date. Any HIV+ people here? Please feel free to message me privately or on this thread. I could use some good friends about right now. Depression is a bitch.
HIV+ even with undetectable pathogens is a death sentence in more ways than one due to ongoing ignorance and fear. People still to this day think they will become infected just by kissing you, touching you, sitting on the toilet after you and god forbid the thought of having sex with you once you disclose as it never gets to the point of even asking you if you practice safe sex and only safe sex now that you carry the disease. I feel your pain but cannot imagine the full brunt of how it personally affects you as my experiences are as a witness to what the disease did to so many I once knew. I watched too many who themselves became angry intolerant introverts as the disease progressed refusing comfort, support, and companionship even from those most willing to offer it. I lived through the time HIV infections were not a manageable sexually transmitted disease but a guaranteed death sentence in which the available drug therapies could prolong ones suffering but could not stop one from transitioning into full blown AIDS and certain ugly death. I lived through the time of no HIV blocker drugs that can nearly eliminate the chance of transmission between partner and infected completely even if one slips off the safe sex path for a night of ecstasy. Drugs that are now commonly funded, affordable and available. But most people are unaware of any of this and sadly far too many young gay men continue to practice unsafe behavior under the idea that HIV/AIDS is no longer an issue because 'Hey, if I DO get infected I'll just go on the treatment program and be fine.' not realizing just how hard the treatments and transmission prevention methods are not only on the body but the mind, the beautiful mind that will remind one each and every day of how badly one screwed up by agreeing the that five minute affair of unchecked passion. Stay strong sister, not everyone hates you. There are national HIV support groups, I know it can be a long distance affair option but they are there and do support those that need it most.
Hi, and thanks for sharing your story. The stigma about HIV, especially with people who have undetectable virus levels, is indeed problematic and heartbreaking. I have also heard many similar stories to yours about people finding it really difficult, and a couple of my friends who are HIV+ have experienced what you are describing. The challenge is in asking people who are HIV- to be willing to put aside the risk, however small, in order to be in a relationship. I knew a couple who were in their early 20s, where one was HIV+ and the other HIV-. It worked for them for several years, they simply avoided certain activities and always used condoms. But I don't know many other couples in non-sero-concordant relationships. I think it's also relevant to say here that experiences like yours are one of the reasons why I advocate that people always, always, always use condoms and safer sex, no matter how solid their relationship, how long they have been with someone, or how much they trust them. Doing so acknowledges that people are fallible and imperfect, may make momentary decisions (such as cheating) that they later regret... and doesn't force those who make mistakes to instantly own up to them. It also ultimately means that you care enough about each other to ensure that each of you is always safe. And I do think that, for those who are willing to do their own research, understand about undetectable virii levels, and are willing to accept the risk, that letting go of the stigma surrounding HIV will go a long way toward solving the problem. If everyone could have honest conversations, it would not put those living with HIV in the untenable position of having to either be ignored and shunned for being honest, or lying to people if they want to be sexually active. It's a difficult and uncomfortable conversation, but an important one.
Thanks for replying! It's pretty lame, my predicament, but I'm always learning to cope with shit better as time goes along. I've been socially traumatized by being ridiculed and disowned for my HIV status by those I thought were my friends, and people I thought loved me. So, I can handle rejection pretty well and the harshness of human incompatability, but it gets tiring after 9 years. It's more aggrivating than a challange. I honestly only want to date HIV+ people (unnless some HIV- dude along the way sweeps me off my feet) because the struggle of finding an HIV- educated person who is unforgiving, and even when I do, I have my own internal stigmas to work on about dating someone who isn't poz. If they accept it, chances that their friends or family do too are very slim (I dealt with that crap with my last ex boyfriend), and WHO WANTS TO DEAL that bs? Not me. We used condoms and I'm undetectable, but my OCD wont allow me to be okay with dating an HIV- person. The fear of giving a lover HIV outways my desire to be with them. I don't need a reason to kill myself, and that outcome would get me there. I advocate condom use too, but to empathize, when you're young and dumb, stupid shit happens. The fog of a "first love" 6 months into a 3 year relationship is what made me figure, "lets enjoy that bareback loving feeling." Lets be honest, most people don't use condoms on lack of sensation alone. It's a sad and unconvienant truth about us humans. Many people like it raw and gritty, and that lust fog is decieving as fuck!!! Don't be blinded by "love" or "lust", and no matter what, ALWAYS USE CONDOMS! HIV is not the only horrible STI OR STD that can fuck you up, if not treated! Assume everyone has something. Don't allow anyone to persuade you to not use consoms. (example: "What babe? You don't love me?) That's pure manipulation. Even in LTR's use condoms because most, of not all people cheat. I personally don't believe in monogamy (not natural IMO, but that's for another thread hehe), but for those that do, don't be fooled by it. Anyone sexually active should be regularly tested for STD/STI's every 3 to six months because may infection takes months to show up.
I am friends with several who are HIV Positive. It has helped me to open my mind more and do some reading to get informed. And I will freely admit, at first I was petrified of the status. I know one of my friends is extremely frustrated with it because, while he's undetectable, he cannot get any dates either. Being shamed for something that shouldn't be the end-all-be-all of anyone is so so wrong. I think a part of it too is those who are irresponsible with their diagnosis, don't take their meds, carry a viral load, and infect others deliberately.
I 100% agree with this. Many people I know who are HIV+ got that way in a situation similar to yours. In one case, it was someone who was having sex for the first time, and his boyfriend convinced him it would be OK, and that he was tested and OK. There are other people who have extremely low self-esteem and convince themselves that the only way to keep their boyfriend/hookup/etc is to be willing to bareback. And part of the reason I am so vocal and so adamant about this here is in the hope that at least a few of our younger members who aren't yet sexually active will take this to heart when they begin having sex. Everyone always thinks "It will never happen to me". Unfortunately, if and when it does, there's no "do-over", so the best we can do is try to encourage everyone to play safe, all the time, every time.
