Is romantic love the main responsible for loneliness?

Friendships are difficult to build and maintain as an adult. This is the case for a lot of people, not just gays.

If you want someone in your life who is not a lover but will put you first, then that's going to be difficult to find. Having your heart set on finding a certain kind of relationship is very likely to lead to disappointment. I've known people who I imagined myself having amazing friendships with, but they never reciprocated and nothing came of it. And that was emotionally devastating for me.

So I can't really offer any solutions. I can only advise you to change your attitude towards friendships and building a social circle. People aren't always going to be as available for you as you'd like them to be. So you need to be more open to what little they can offer. Don't expect too much of people, don't try to predict how friendships will play out, just let them play out naturally. You have to take people as they are, not who you'd like them to be.

 

I've felt that way before, especially on the days when I doubt I'll ever fall in love and get married. There is a cultural difference in priority between romantic relationships and friendships. No matter how close you are to your friends, if they're married, their spouses are going to be their #1 priority. But it's really fulfilling and reassuring to be someone else's main priority. Like, if you have to move away to take a new job, your spouse comes with you. Your friends? Not so much. There's a level of stability there that it's hard to replicate.

I think it's not completely hopeless, though, for a number of reasons. More and more people are staying single these days, I think, and many people do crave those closer friendships. I don't think it's impossible to find someone of a like mind, who you can connect with. I know people who aren't in relationships, but consider their friends to be their family and have very close connections to them. I've always imagined that if I made a very close friend and lived with them, that might be enough for me. Only time can tell, but I don't think it's completely hopeless.

 

YES! Yes, this is possible and its been done right now by soooo many people.

One of the most beautiful things that have come from queer spaces is the concept of chosen family. Many queer people, specially back then, only had each other to count on. People chose their families and friends relied on each other for love, to care for each other, etc.And this is still something practiced by many queer people out there.

Now, it is hard. Our society is built for people to prioritize significant others over other types of friendship. Its a dumb concept, it hurts so many people, and it just doesn't work. This is also one of the reasons why a lot of people decide is less painful to remain in abusive relationships than feeling alone. So it takes work, it takes being intentional about your friendships and actions, and it takes practice.

I personally have an amazing group of friends who are my family and we take care of each other. My partner knows that while I love him oh so very much, my friends have been there before him and will be there if for whatever reason we ever get divorced. They are part of my being. Very early on he tried to make boundaries of what I can and cannot tell them about our relationship, but that very quickly went into the conversation that my friends are an extension of who I am. He decided he was okay with that and we have been able to make it work ever since.

So I invite you to be vulnerable with your current friends. Ask from them what you need and want. Show them the friendships you want to have. Call them randomly on your commute to work, check up on them, randomly watch tv together. It does take a healthy amount of self-esteem, openness and honesty from everyone involved, but those are all things that everyone can work on.

 

I see. So you do want a partner, you just want it to be about more than sex. Unfortunately, in my experience, a lot of gay men do just want to have sex first then ask questions later. In other words, they don't want to get involved with me unless I am 100% able to give them the kind of earth-shattering sex they desire. I have met guys who are serious about wanting a relationship, but I've come to realize I'm not one of them. My attitude is "well I've been single this long and I'm still standing. Staying single for longer is not going to hurt me."

I have felt depressed about being single in the past for various reasons. Mainly because a lot of people spoke to me about being single as something really negative, saying things like "why haven't you got a boyfriend yet? Why aren't you seeing anyone? You need to change that." and my attitude has always been "I don't need a boyfriend at all. I do need a job, food, clothes and a place to live, but having a partner to share my life with is optional, not essential. Yes, it would be nice if I did have someone like that in my life. But it hasn't happened. I've made attempts to connect with men I like, and it hasn't worked out. So whatever. I'll just carry on doing what makes me happy without someone else around."

So my situation is different from yours. My negative thoughts and feelings came from other people complaining about me being single, and I've pretty much come to terms with those thoughts and feelings. Your negative thoughts and feelings are coming from yourself - your fear of how your life will end up if you don't have a special someone to turn to for companionship. Again, I can't offer you any solutions with that. I do think its a good thing that you have a clear idea of what you want in a relationship. I think it's good that you acknowledge what you want for yourself. If you want something badly enough, I believe you will find a way to get it eventually. I personally have never wanted a relationship badly enough, and I've been happy enough to plod along without one. I don't know if that means I'll end up living with 50 cats. 25 is more than enough.

 

I think intimacy (which can also come from friends) and a sense of belonging is what lonely people tend to lack.

Both of those things can come from relationships, but aren't exclusive to them. Romantic life is still different from platonic love, though, so they can't really replace each other.

You're right that many people don't prioritize friendships, and this is especially true as people age. A few will always consider their friendships outside of relationships to be a crucial part of their life.