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How do I know if I'm just fooling myself?

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by AlexJames, Feb 13, 2018.

  1. AlexJames

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    Title says it all. How do i know? I'm so scared that i'm just gonna look back in five, ten, twenty years and be like what the fuck were you thinking you were crazy. I'm at the point where something's gotta give it hurts. Its just a fucking cycle. I get confident and optimistic and go out and buy shit, and eventually try on and/or buy new guys clothes and they're great, but seeing how they fit on me makes me feel so terrible about myself. To the point i go through phases of wanting and excel spreadsheeting how to starve the weight off cause at least if i'm skinny maybe i will just be androgynous and not have these damn hips anymore. Going down a cup size would be great too, then my binder might bind all the way it doesn't make me totally flat so i end up just looking like an A cup instead of a B and a half. Hell i could be a C for all i know all i wear is sports bras, but when i tried to figure out cup size i got B and a half so that's what i go with.

    I just wish i knew for sure, like if you took a DNA test definitive. I'm scared that i'm gonna finally after months of debating get the courage to ask my coworkers and supervisors to call me Alex only to figure out i'm not really a guy or that i don't like the name after all. Or that they'll prove to be more observant or in the know than i thought and ask about me being trans or pronouns and i won't be ready to say yes. Or i'll say yes and mean it and find out later nope i'm not nevermind. I'm scared to come out and be accepted only to realize that hearing he/him and Alex and saying i'm trans doesn't feel right after all. Or worse that i'll get called names and shit. That's why i'm scared and despondent and shit right now. I feel like as much as i'm learning about myself, its just a big confusing cycle. I get confident and happy and optimistic trying shit out and then something makes me super dysphoric and upset or i feel like there's an obstical to it that i can't overcome for a long time so i get upset and say fuck it nevermind or no i gotta lose like 20 pounds first.

    Here's what i put on another thread, it explains the going ons in my head regarding me and being trans. I always knew i was different, and periodically wanted a penis instead, and really wanted to dress in boys clothes not girls clothes, and have always hated my birth name. Always hated seeing myself on camera or hearing my voice in video (like really that's my voice that's disgusting). Always walked with my head down, no confidence at all, no self worth, etc. I grew up knowing so young, mid elementary really, that i was fundamentally different from all the other kids. But i just couldn't put my finger on it. I'd never heard the term transgender and even once i did, it was in a negative light so i really still knew nothing about it. Yet i still feel like that's not enough.
     
  2. Mihael

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    I'll write something more comprehensive later today. I have stuff to do. But.

    Clothes are just clothes. Medical changes are more irreversible and carry lifelong consequences. Clothes don't. Even if you are going through a phase, nothing wrong with that. Name is just a name too... although that bit is a bit harder than clothes. My advice would be to prepare emotionally for comin out and for all the possible questions. To have a few honest pieces of information that you would be comfortable and confident saying. My another piece of advice would be to try the name and pronouns and coming out in a group of trusted people, not right away with everyone. Like friends. They will not hold it against you if you change your mind and will be friendly about the coming out. People who are LGBT themselves or whose close ones (friends or family) are are very good for that.
     
  3. Nike007

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    From what I have read, 98% of people who do medically transition don't regret it.

    But as Michael said, your clothes and name are "easy" things to change. It gets a bit more complicated if you legally change your name, but it's possible to change it back.

    I do feel this way at times. Maybe I just want to transition because of "a trend". I realize that I really don't, but I hate the possibility existing.

    For me, I tend to look at the evidence. Like I wear my binder and feel more confident, and when people call me Niko I feel more confident and better about myself. So it helps me realize that I am not just "fooling myself" as you put it.
     
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  4. Mihael

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    As for being crazy... why would you consider being trans crazy? Especially... with hormones or surgery, I would definitely think twice. Now my personal opinion on that... I know I would consider it more if I wasn't erotically into men. It's more like... be a lesbian or be a man with a small dick. Then... I think the reproductive options don't change this much and the dating pool is comaparable. Hate on me, but I do think that deciding to transition is like any other decision. You weigh the pros and cons and stuff like that...

    Just... what do you think is crazy about... exactly, about what specifically? About hormones? About crossdressing? About identifying as trans/male?

    As for coworkers... what do you think they can ask, and how would you reply? What are you afraid of?

    As for changing your mind later... well, nobody can know that. This is why I would test some trusted people out first. This is what I did and what worked for me.

    Lol, I also want a penis. I will buy a strap-on when I move out. Or just a packer. Stupid, but I really want to do it. I just really want a penis of my own, ha ha. I'm not sure how my bf would feel about it, that is a problem. I figure it might look wierd to him. But nobody except for my boyfriend would know. Nobody is concerned wih other people's crotches.

    If you want to wear men's clothes, nothing wrong with that. See, you have a specific here. You like men's clothes. Who on Earth cares which department your clothes come from? As long as you like them, it's fine. Really.

    Same with the name. I still think it's a good idea to try the name out before using it everywhere, just to see if you don't prefer another one, but if you dislike your birth name, because you dislike its vibe, change it. A lot of people do it. Cis people do it too.

    The voice and the rest of the body are more difficult, but again, if you are sure how you feel about it and you are ready to take the risk, do it. If you know this would make you happy. It's like... the possiblity of messing up is a part of life. You can't avoid it. But you can be sure enough. You can minimise the risks and the mistakes. You can try to train your voice, but I'm not sure how much it works for us dudes...
     
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  5. AlexJames

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    Yeah, medical changes are irrevesible so maybe while i would love my voice and face to change, it scares me that like i said is this a phase or will i still want this in 20 years. I've seen youtube vids on it, testosterone is strong so even if you go back there would be permenant changes. But at the same time i've always had such strong dysphoria and shame around seeing or hearing myself.

    Problem with telling just a few trusted people is i don't really have any...i mean my dad's cool but idk if he's chill about my liking girls cause he's just a chill person in general or if its cause he wants to be a hip parent. He even said it over text, joking am i not hip enough. But when he talked to me later on, he said to not take boys out of the equation just yet because he knew a woman from work who thought she were gay then she met a guy and broke up her marriage and left her kid. So idk how much he actually accepts me. He doesn't let a lot bother him, like if it does not immediately impact him he could care less and that's how he is about a lot of stuff. So i'm wary about coming out to my dad. Even if i want to ask him about cutting my hair...i have his hair type so i wanted to ask, if i cut it come summer will it look like his. Cause i know his hair used to be long when i was a baby. But unless he guesses it when i ask him about my hair i don't think i could come out to him right now. He's a coward and he won't stand up for his kids to his wife, never has, so my relationship with him is tentative. Its nice to have a father and to have one so chill and apparently unconditionally supportive, but to know that he's too much of a coward for that to extend to his wife hurts things.

    That's why i keep mentioning work. I need to tell them to call me Alex anyways, and while doing so it would be nice if i could be brave enough to tell one or two people to use he/his/him instead. But i'm so afraid of rejection that i don't think i could do it unless someone recognizes my new necklace as a trans pride necklace and asks about it. I'm like 90% sure one of my supervisors is either gay or bi so there's that. I've heard him talking. You have a good point about anticipating and preparing for questions. If people ask why i'm changing my name i'll probably be honest to a point and say i don't like it and i've never liked it. And i'm such a coward that i only recently decided to do something about it. Cause that's true.
     
  6. AlexJames

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    Thanks so much for this. Your last paragraph especially. I mean a cis girl wouldn't feel a lot more comfortable wearing a binder, wouldn't feel uncomfortable with everything boob related when the binder isn't on (like how cause sports bra there's a light movement there when i'm doing a lot of walking to and from at work), packing even with just rolled up socks not a real packer is just so immediately relaxing, reassuring, like a literal weight's been lifted off my shoulders. Stuff like that, that a cis girl surely couldn't just fool themselves into being okay with. So many times i've wanted to just say fuck it and introduce myself to a new coworker as Alex. I've told myself so many times that next time i see such and such supervisor i'll ask them to call me Alex instead. I've wished so many times i had people to try he/his/him pronouns out with. I've fantasized so much about wishing this was like harry potter or some random anime and i could just turn into a boy for a day and prove it to myself this is what i really want.

    Just, thanks. Being reminded of all of that is incredibly validating.
     
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  7. AlexJames

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    About the crazy thing, i just question myself so much cause i'm not the kid on the news that knew from like age 3 or 5 or whatever and wanted to transition as a kid. I was dumb enough that i believed my mom's insisting i had autism without a diagnosis and no intentions to get one for a little while. Eventually i wisened up to the fact that she just wants an excuse for my fuck ups and to make herself look like the best parent ever, and she has no clue that my 'symptoms' are actually cause she's emotionally and verbally abusive when she gets angry which can be so quickly. So like if i was dumb enough to believe her even if only for a short time, could i be dumb enough to chalk up my insecurities to being trans for a little while too? That's what i keep asking myself. I've never had any kind of therapy despite needing it and it feels like i've gotta be crazy cause i keep just adding problems to the list of shit i probably have.

    With the coworkers and being scared, i guess my mind just jumps to the response my mom would have (every insult in the book, probably say she wishes she'd never had me, throw me out of the house) or that i see in the comments on articles from like pinknews or some other LGBT news twitter...i'm scared that even if its irrational and unlikely they'd say the same insults or make the same comments i've read or know i will eventually hear. My mind just jumps to the worst possibility and freaks out trying to prepare for it, its a holdover from childhood cause growing up that was a reality...

    I just wish i could totally switch for a day and be a boy (and everyone to think for that day i'd always been a boy) so i could have that validation. I'm scared that i'll be called by Alex or that i'll get lucky and someone is willing to use male pronouns and find its not me and that they'll think less of me for not knowing. That i'll think less of myself.
     
  8. Elisten

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    If I could trade you for a day I would.

    I feel scared when there's a chance someone who doesn't know may find out that I'm trans. I also feel scared on a regular basis that this isn't real, that I'm just crazy or in a phase or whatever. When I talk to my wife, she always reminds me that since coming out, I'm a much happier person. It doesn't matter if it's 'true' or not, wearing women's clothes and going by female pronouns makes me happy. Looking like a man or living up to the expectations of being a man don't make me happy. They drive me into depression. So I choose to be happy, and to be happy I am a woman.

    Hope that helps some. You're not crazy :slight_smile:
     
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  9. AlexJames

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    Thank you Elisten. Yeah that helped. This thread has honestly just been so validating. I really needed it. I keep chickening out of asking my supervisors at work to call me Alex (and, if i'm brave, by male pronouns so i can try them out irl). So its been bugging me more lately. So glad to hear your happy with how you are now, maybe someday i can get there too.
     
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  10. Elisten

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    I was terrified when I told my boss. He's brand new, I have very little established relationship with him. But he was totally fine with it. Best of luck when you're ready! :slight_smile:
     
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  11. KayNB

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    By any chance do you have many LGBT, especially the T, resources in town? a LGBT center or maybe trans meetups? Some of that may help.

    I've connected with other NB trans folks via an asexuality meetup, which i wasn't expecting and was super validating ♥ Maybe there are local communities related to sexuality that would help you to connect with trans folx or at least allies. I'd think lesbian meetups might be a good resource.

    Since you mentioned not having a RL support network, maybe you could build one. Then be yourself around them. As you get the feel of life being out it'll help you feel much more secure about what I think you're already knowing :slight_smile:
     
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  12. Mihael

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    Most trans people are not the kid on the news who came out as a toddler... moreover, you believed about the autism, exactly because you were a kid. Imo kids have worse judgement than adults... well, not only i think this way, this is why kids cant buy alcohol and drive and marry and so forth. This is why the childhood doesn't really matter. What matters is what you want and what you see fit now.

    What exact comments are you afraid of? That trans people are delusional? Or that lgbt are perverts and sick?

    Oh my, too bad about the trusted folks. I'm sorry mate :/ I second Kay about building the support network. Coming out to a few helpful people can really give you the "being a guy for a couple of days" experience.

    As for people thinking less of you if you change your mind... you can never make others happy. They will always comment, judge, dislike something about you. Someone will always criticise what you do, no matter what this is. You cant do anything about it, really. It's not worth your nerves to bother about them.

    I know what you mean by chickening out. I do it too. An awful lot. The chickening out is awful...
     
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  13. Foxfeather

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    I wonder the same thing too. I've recently purchased a bunch of feminine clothing. Deep down though the transness doesn't go away. I guess I kind of know because the emotions persist for a long time. It's been months and months and it hasn't gone away. This desire to be male and to date women freely as a man is eating me from the inside. It feels like a physical condition or stigma that can't be erased and its a very eprsonistent and insistent feeling that something isn't right with me being called maam or being treated as a woman. The only regret I feel is the fact that others don't and never will see me for the truth that I feel and it hurts that I have to go on living with this because I don't want to transition with hormones. Surgery is definitely back to being a possibility. I specifically want to stop all feminine functions of my body and I guess the only reason you know for sure is when the feelings don't ever go away.
     
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  14. Foxfeather

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    Also we're taught from a young age to be straight, act straight, etcetera. Sounds stupid but it's true. You and I know it more than anyone else. If you have doubts, then take a moment, even a few months or years, to ask yourself what is your truth and what is society's truth, where do they blend and where do they separate. Only you know if you're really trans and remember it's a spectrum. You can't go wrong by being yourself.
     
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  15. LittleMouse

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    I would absolutely recommend trying to find an lgbt group to go along to. A trans specific one would be best but anything would do! Even if there is one close, there is nothing stopping you travelling to the next town/city if you are able to and want to have less chance of knowing people.

    I went along to a trans support group and it was such a validating experience. It was the first time I’d been referred to by he/him pronouns and preferred name in real life and it really let me get a feel for it. By all means ask for it at work, but for me I found the anonymity of not already knowing folk in the group really helpful. It meant there was a lot less pressure on the situation.

    What you’re experiencing just now actually sounds like what I was like a couple of months ago just before I tentatively came out to a friend for the first time and went along to the group. I know it feels horrific right now, but it will pass!
     
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