1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

No pride in my orientation?

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by tryinbutdyin, Feb 16, 2018.

  1. tryinbutdyin

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Nov 1, 2016
    Messages:
    5
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Berlin
    Gender:
    Male
    hi so recently I’ve come to terms with the fact that I’m ace but I can’t help feeling like I’m missing out in life y’know? Like everyone’s going on abt the whole attraction thing and I consider myself a quite sexual person despite my lack of y’know, sexual attraction. I enjoy sex and arousal and I just feel so left out and kinda like despondent bc ppl are talking abt how they can look at a person and just WHAM y’know? And I want that.

    I spent so Long coming to terms with the fact that I’m ace bc I didn’t wanna accept that there this whole feeling I can’t experience ever in my life even if wanted to and it sucks. I realise how much other queer people have fought and suffered for the right to be themselves and they’re really proud of it and they should be! But I just can’t feel anything but frustration towards my orientation.

    I had a friend who told me abt her first experience with sexual attraction, she went to this concert and saw this celebrity on stage and her heart went crazy etc. & I wonder how that’s like I want to know so badly.

    Is it bad that I wouldn’t mind being any other orientation than this? Gay, straight or bisexual, at least u feel something. Anything. I know I shouldn’t think like that but I just can’t help it y’know. Pls give me advice.
     
  2. Renegades

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jan 16, 2016
    Messages:
    228
    Likes Received:
    9
    Location:
    Denver
    Gender:
    Androgyne
    Gender Pronoun:
    They
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    All but family
    Well, I can't offer much, as I'm not completely ace, but I am on the ace spectrum, and I can say that what your friend described is not how it is for everybody. Personally, I almost never look at someone and instantly want to have sex with them (my friends say I'm picky, but that's not really the case). And its perfectly OK to not feel proud. Being anywhere on the ace spectrum is a bit odd and separated, and I have never thought to be proud of the fact that I am on that spectrum. Maybe its just because I'm not always experiencing my asexuality (as my orientation changes from gay to ace). Sorry if this seems random and is more about me than you, I'm kinda bad at this.
     
    tryinbutdyin likes this.
  3. Chiroptera

    Admin Team Full Member

    Joined:
    Mar 11, 2014
    Messages:
    2,504
    Likes Received:
    1,383
    Location:
    Brazil
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Asexuals do exist, but they are a small group. Based on what you are describing, i think it is worth questioning if you are really asexual, or if you just have a different sex drive/way of experience attraction than other people around you.

    This part of your post is especially weird if you are indeed asexual:

    By definition, an asexual person doesn't experience sexual attraction or interest in the sex activity/sex desire. If you experience those things, it is likely that you aren't asexual - maybe you just have a lower sex drive than normal.


    You mean like when your friends look at someone in the street and start talking about how that person is attractive?

    If that's what you mean, it isn't a good indicator of orientation. I'm bisexual, but i don't usually notice random people. My friends, on the contrary, seem to be looking at everyone all the time, commenting on people they find attractive. That could be just a difference in personality, i think.

    Note that i'm not saying you are X or Y: Only you can reach a conclusion about your orientation. Asexuals do exist, but they are a small group, and there are lots, lots of lies and misinformation spread out on the internet about asexuals (especially when people start to create unscientific labels and distort the real meaning of the word "asexual"). So, if you are feeling frustrated, maybe it is worth exploring your feelings a bit more and check if this label really describes you, because that may not be the case.

    Alternatively, you can just be yourself and don't worry about labels if you don't want to.
     
    tryinbutdyin, Secrets5 and Bicchi like this.
  4. Foxfeather

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Mar 10, 2015
    Messages:
    481
    Likes Received:
    69
    Location:
    NYC
    Gender:
    Male (trans*)
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Straight
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    I think you're in love with the idea of being in love. I don't fall easily for people either. Nothing to fret about. It'll save you date money and time in the long run.
     
  5. womaninamber

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Feb 14, 2014
    Messages:
    518
    Likes Received:
    21
    Location:
    Los Angeles
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Some people
    I won't say anything about what being asexual really is but I will say that sexual attraction isn't overwhelming like that for everybody. In fact I find it pretty hard to define to be honest. I remember what I thought was my first sexual attraction but in retrospect I don't even know if it was. If it's something you want and feel you're missing out on then maybe don't assume it's something you'll never have as it's not so clear-cut.
     
    tryinbutdyin likes this.
  6. tryinbutdyin

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Nov 1, 2016
    Messages:
    5
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Berlin
    Gender:
    Male
    Yea I’m pretty sure I’m ace I think-it’s possible for asexuals to have a sex drive, the only defining factor about asexuality is not experiencing sexual attraction which I really can’t or don’t. I Guess it just seems like sexual attraction is such a big thing that I’m missing y’know and I just find myself really wishing that I’m not ace
     
  7. tryinbutdyin

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Nov 1, 2016
    Messages:
    5
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Berlin
    Gender:
    Male
    Nah I’m not really looking for a r/s or anything like sure I want a girlfriend or a Boyfriend but I don’t think it matters that much for me but I don’t know. I’ll think over your words though bc it seems worth considering. Maybe not about being in love but maybe I’m too fixated on my orientation and whether I experience sexual attraction that I don’t know? But thanks man I’ll think about it.
     
  8. tryinbutdyin

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Nov 1, 2016
    Messages:
    5
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Berlin
    Gender:
    Male
    This was really helpful man thanks. But I feel like if I keep hoping that I’ll feel sexual attraction sometime like I’ll get even more and more anxious waiting for something that could never potentially happen, y’know? Can u try describing your first sexual attraction for me? Like as specific as you can? Like everyone says,” oh you’ll know it when u feel it,” but that doesn’t really help tbh. I remember when I first used this site to ask about asexuality I was so scared I put it off for weeks bc I felt that if I typed it down then it would make it like confirmed and it’ll feel more real y’know or idk I know it’s irrational but I just really don’t wanna go back to that but I just really can’t feel anything but frustration. Do you have any advice?
     
  9. Cashew

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Feb 14, 2018
    Messages:
    120
    Likes Received:
    140
    Location:
    Scotland
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I didn't experience sexual attraction until I was in my mid-20's. It was weird - I actually got a bit freaked out about it when it happened because I didn't know what was going on. I thought I was a-sexual too and was also terrified of this but now I realise that I am gay. I still don't experience massive amounts of sexual or romantic attraction to other people and I don't really have a big sex drive but I hope I will if I meet the right person.

    Sexual attraction is quite a difficult thing to describe. I guess you just see someone and your 'flame of desire' burns for them. It feels like a physical thing burning inside you. You just see them, you get this feeling like you want to kiss them, touch them, be close to them, have sex with them. Sometimes it feels a bit like a magnet and if you did not stop yourself (because obviously it would be highly inappropriate!!) and just follow the desire, you would physically be drawn close to them and probably slap your lips on them and it would feel like some physical outside force had drawn you to them. I think this is why people get confused when they fancy someone and that person doesn't fancy them back because the "force" can feel so strong you can't imagine that the other person cannot be feeling the same thing.

    This is just my experience maybe other people experience it differently...?

    I was just wondering. If you say you enjoy sex and arousal - I would have thought you needed to be attracted to someone in order to have sex with them?

    Or is it romantic attraction that you don't feel - like you can't imagine falling in love with someone, holding hands, hugging, kissing etc?
     
    #9 Cashew, Feb 19, 2018
    Last edited: Feb 19, 2018