Hey everyone! Let me tell you a quick story, and then ask a question! Today, i was training boxing with a friend of mine in the gym. In a certain moment, one of the instructors approached us and said: "Hey, get back a bit, you two are too close. Yes, that's better!". He was just correcting our fighting position, so nothing would be wrong until he added "You two were almost kissing i had to show up and stop it!". At the moment, i didn't really know what to answer (and i was tired because of exercising), so i just said something like "oh, no!" (not really that, but i can't translate exactly what i said, so just imagine i smiled and went along with it ). Thing is, i was talking to my friend later, and he agreed with me that it was not an appropriate joke. Sure, he wasn't attacking us or saying that with the intention to offend (probably doesn't even know i'm bi), but it was a bit uncomfortable. My friend said that next time, it would be a good idea to play along, but with an answer that would make the instructor embarassed and turn the joke on him, like "Nah, we will do that after training!". What do you think about it? How do you deal with this type of situation (where the person doesn't "intend" to be offensive): Do you use a smart answer? Do you answer seriously and ask them to stop? Or do you just go along with it and don't mind it? Thooooughts?
Frankly I’d probably do something along the same lines as your friend, because that’s just who I am. When someone doesn’t mean to offend, calling them out (from what I’ve noticed) makes them embarrassed and become extremely apologetic, sometimes overly, which makes things uncomfortable, or, at least, makes me uncomfortable. Some will brush it off, some will acknowledge and correct themselves. Guess it depends on the person. Alternatively, when they truly are homophobic, (from most folks I’ve talked to) telling them off tends to incite them. Regardless of whether on some deeper level they meant to offend or not, they become defensive. Being told they’ve said something wrong probably hurts their ego. And as much as I think they ought to know what they’ve said is wrong, being serious and straight forward in that situation may not be the best approach. In either case, because I hate awkwardness, I try to make things as subtle as possible while still managing to get my point across, thus neither embarrassing anyone nor inciting anyone. I’d probably try not to just ignore it though - while that’s likely the easiest thing to do, it normalizes such behavior. Joking maintains a lightness that can be good or bad - it might make someone think more clearly about what you’ve said, but at the same time it could also make it easier for that person to dismiss it. So, maybe my response is slightly immature, but, anyway, that’s my two cents.
One of the best pieces of advice I ever got, which came from the business world but I think applies here as well, is to Praise Publicly, Rebuke Privately. I would be more inclined to have a sit-down with him and tell him your concerns over what he said. But I would not have done it publicly. As Flynn points out, it typically causes defensiveness.
Personally to me it sounds as if the guy meant no harm and I wouldn't have been offended, but that's just me. There can be a fine line which people sometimes inadvertently cross and everyone reacts differently depending upon the situation. I think where there is clearly no malice involved it is best to treat it lightheartedly as this seems to have been the intention.
A joke is a good way to respond, but I'm not always quick with humor, so I probably would have reacted the same way you did. I'm more likely to come up with a joke if a friend or someone I work closely with inadvertently makes a comment that I can give a comeback to, and that's because I know the person well enough and trust them to give some details about my sexuality. When it's a person I don't know that well, then I'll keep quiet, unless it happens a lot of times and I build up the need to talk back in defence of myself. I wouldn't take offence if it was just a one off thing. He might have said the same thing or something similar if it was a girl and boy training.
You know the situation better, but his comment sounds like it was meant as an innocent joke. I like your friend's idea. Back before I started questioning myself, I might have replied with "You take the fun out of everything!" Same today.
If we are too easily offended, and end up challenging everything we can come across as awkward and crusading and I don't think that really helps at all. Sometimes we need to pause and ask ourselves if any offence was intended, and in this case, I doubt it was. Admittedly, I wasn't there and can't fully appreciate the tone or body language of the individual who made the joke (and that's rather important), but it doesn't sound like something I would object to. In actual fact, I'd probably laugh along with it and try to offer up a jokey response of my own. Over time, we learn when to pick our fights and when to let things go. If we take ourselves too seriously and regard innocuous jokes and remarks as indicative of deeper prejudice, we can very easily fall out with lots of perfectly decent and reasonable people, who just want to live life with a bit of humour. If a pattern begins to develop or if the jokes become blatantly hostile and targeted towards LGBT people, then it is necessary to push back. We do need to set a red line, but we shouldn't set it too high.
I do agree with most of you (@PatrickUK summed it up really well, thanks!). The guy wasn't trying to be offensive, and, like i said, i wasn't offended by it, it just made me think. I certainly wouldn't attack the guy - he is a good person as far as i know. What i was thinking is if it is worth to just laugh along, or if answering with a line that naturalizes LGBT behavior (like my friend suggested) would be better. But, in any way, i agree it is not a big deal.
I don’t mind gay jokes, I however have a very dark sense of humor some people may be offended by what I find hilarious. Just shake it off smile and keep going I’m sure he was just kidding.
