So glad I found this site. I will try to keep this short but I haven't got anyone to talk to about this so yeah.. Might be long (sorry) I am a 20 y/o woman in a straight relationship going on two years. I love my boyfriend and I want us to have a future together. I know that I want to have kids and get married. But I keep having these confusing feelings and I am starting to feel depressed over them. Let me explain: I have been attracked to girls for several years. If I see a love scene in a movie I only look at the girl. If I see a beautiful woman on the street I fantasize about kissing her... Holding my hands on her neck... And so on. Movies about lesbians often make me cry because I guess I feel like I am missing out. I was sexually abused by my father, I was raped by another boy and my previous relationship was with a pedophile who saw me as a little girl (re-traumatizing from my memories of my father). When I went to a psychologist with my background story and I "came out" to her as a bisexual she told me that she thought bisexuality was b*llshit and that she "didn't believe in it". She told me that because of my past with abusive men I might be leaning towards a more feminin energy but that it wouldn't make sence to pursue them because in her opinion I would be disapointed sexually because a woman doesn't have a penis. Her words. I am aware that this was highly unprofessional but it still made me surpress my feelings. Now I am even more confused. I love my man. I used to be SO attracted to him (he is gorgeous) but lately I am having a hard time focusing when we have sex. I don't really enjoy it so much to be honest and I get stressed out when he makes a move at me. But this could just be because I have some unresolved trauma from my past! I don't want to lose him. He is my best friend and he can turn me on. It's just hard most times. I don't take initiative with him but when I think of sex with a woman all I want to do is take initiative. I could go on about the things I want to do to a beautiful woman (sorry). I feel so alone. When I look at my bfs body I sometimes get turned on but not too much to be honest. And he is hoooot so that is not the issue. Is this just a phase? Am I a lesbian? Am I lying to myself? I am so afraid that if I let him go and try dating women that I will be disapointed and end up regretting it. Just woke up from a nap where i dreamed that I came out to him as lesbian and he was supportive. That confused me even more. I was crying in the dream and told him that I was lesbian and that I wasn't attracted to him. He knows about my bisexuality btw and is fine with it. What the heck do I do?! We can't afford a psychologist and I don't feel save talking to anyone about it... Sorry this was so long. And I know you can't tell me what to do. I am just frustrated
You seem to love your boyfriend, me personally if he was treating me right and I liked him and he liked me and we got along great I would continue to do so. (I’m a girl btw.) Maybe you could take a break and try dating women for a while and if it doesn’t work then you can go back to him....
Hey that is a tough situation you have going on. How long have you been feeling like this within your relationship?
Thanks. I've been curious about other women our whole relationship. I've been frustrated and sad about it for maybe six months. So yeah it's not a great situation...
I think you need to talk to him about how you are feeling. I know it's a scary thought because you feel like you don't want to lose him but if this has been going on for 6 months I feel as though it is unlikely to go away. You may be able to shut it away but in the long term later down the line I fear it will only come back and then potentially you could be in a worse situation.
No worries, feel free to stick around here and chat to other people, you will find others who are or have been in similar situations.
I have a rather similar story, and am also confused about my sexuality. I’m 27, and have been with my bf for 4.5 years. I love him so much and he is my best friend, but I’m not happy and I feel like I’m missing something in my life. I also have experienced sexual assault (a few times in my early teens), and this has made it more difficult for me to know if my disgust of the male body is genuine or the result of trauma. I’ve always been attracted to women but haven’t experienced much with them out of fear of vulnerability. I fell hopelessly in love with my straight best friend at like age 5 (yes I know that sounds ridiculous), and when we grew apart and I realized she would never feel the same way about me I kind of shut down emotionally. I’m only seeing this retroactively, of course. I didn’t date in high school at all and my first time having sex with a boy after being raped was more to get it over with than to enjoy it or because of desire. I actually didn’t feel any true sexual desire towards any man until I met my current bf, but now I’m wondering if I confused thinking someone is attractive with being attracted to them. I’ve had great sex with men but being with men has always felt “safe” or “easy.” I know how to act towards men and reflect their interest, but when I started genuinely asking myself what I desired, I realized I didn’t much care for interacting with male bodies sexually. My bf is very attractive and I would say I’m attracted to him, but maybe just not sexually. I’ve been questioning my sexuality for the past two years of our relationship, and it started when I began to ask myself who I am and what I actually like/don’t like in bed. I managed to make it to age 25 without ever actually asking myself what I truly desired. I’ve now had two long term relationships with men where we start off having lots of sex and gradually it slows into nothing and becomes painful and emotionally deadening to interact sexually. Yet I can’t help thinking how can I be a lesbian if I have had pleasurable sex with a man and if I love a man? I have no interest in the male body and find myself only thinking “can I tolerate this for the rest of my life?” But I can still orgasm (sometimes) from heterosexual sex because of the physical sensation. I sympathize with what you’re experiencing and I’m sorry I have no answers, but I hope you know you are not alone and many other women are asking the same questions.
I have had a similar experience -though I have never had traumatic experiences with men and I am very sorry to hear about the experiences you have had, I can't imagine how difficult that must have been for you. I am slightly older than you - in my thirties. I was in a relationship with a man for 7 years in my twenties and finally split because of my feelings for other women. I cannot actually believe that experience you had with the psychologist. So unprofessional, never mind completely WRONG!! Bisexuality definitely does exist - there are plenty of bisexual people on here who will tell you so. I am not a professional but my understanding is that sexuality is a biological thing - it's something you are born with so I'm not really sure that negative experiences with one sex can influence your sexuality. Have you ever thought of LGBTQ counselling? I have been to quite a few counsellors but found that my LGBTQ counsellor was the only one who really understood what it's like to struggle with your sexuality and I found it very helpful to break things down and understand things better.
