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Accepting I’m a lesbian but finding life hard

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Effy, Feb 13, 2018.

  1. Effy

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    The problem I have at the moment is that I am so lonely and have no one to talk to. I have lots of aquaintances and a few friends who know about me but I’ve never really allowed myself to form proper deep rooted friendships in fear of someone realising I was gay. Being brave is great but I have no support so on days when I am extremely low it literally feels like the end of the world. I usually manage to pick myself back up. Last week I could’ve screamed from the rooftops that I was gay and finally accepting it and today I wish it would just go away because it feels like the reason I have no real friends. Does anyone else ever feel like this? Like it’s such a massive burden?
     
  2. Sundara

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    Hi, not only you who feel lonely. I feel it too as a gay. I accepted as gay and enjoy life as gay but I have wife and children even I am not out completely.
    Please that you are not alone, I am here with you and I know what you feel. I feel lonely too even I live in big enough city but I cant find older gay man to interact. Here is young gays city but I don't like to have young gay friends. So, I always feel lonely everytime. On the other hands our culture is moslem community and I live in east culture.
    Hope you find a friend who can help you in your real life.
    Good luck.
     
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  3. smee

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    I feel that way a lot, but I never really made the connection. I've simply focused on accepting myself, but if that's so then why am I hiding it, and why am I so worried about it? Seriously, are the ones who can't accept it really my friends?
     
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  4. JK8

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    I can relate to you , as someone living in conservative nation and mainly because my family won’t accept me being lesbian, I always had to hide this part of real me. I also don't want to tell my friends because I don’t want them thinking weird about me. Sorry can’t give u any good advice but at least I can tell you are not alone in this even if you feel lonely
     
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  5. Cas girl

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    Same here. Don't have any advice. But can say this with guarantee.
    It gets better. It may take some time, eventually everything starts falling into place.
    You are not alone. The fact that there are many people like you makes you feel like you belong somewhere.
    Take care.
     
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  6. Rana

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    Hi @Effy ,
    I certainly feel your pain. I'm trying to step outside my comfort zone to meet more people in the LGBTQ community, but it's hard. Some days I'm happy and other days I'm fighting to find a tiny bit of hope. I know it will get better for all of us. I don't know your situation but if it's possible for you to join gay meetups or volunteer at a local LGBTQ center, I think it will help. I'm trying to do this stuff now (just getting started actually). In the meantime, we're here for you.
     
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  7. silverhalo

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    Hey welcome to EC. Why do you think it is you have never been able to tell anyone about being gay?
     
  8. Effy

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    I’m not sure at all. I had a difficult upbringing and I was abused by a female babysitter. I always felt that she made me gay and I felt ashamed and disgusted. I only discovered a few years ago that she was only four years older than me, making her 12 when she abused me. I now believe I was born gay and she probably had a mountain of her own problems. I just can’t shake of the feeling of shame and embarrassment.
     
  9. Effy

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    I will need to try this if I ever find the courage to come out. Thank you.
     
  10. Effy

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    Your situation is so difficult, I hope it gets better for you.
     
  11. womaninamber

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    I also have no one to talk to. For me it's been that way for a long time, and not connected to being gay (or at least that's not the main reason.) I go to groups at the LGBT center and I only hope I'm able to make some friends but people don't seem to see each other outside the group so I may be out of luck. I can talk to people there so for now that's making me happy but I would like to have some regular friendships too. Plus I can't keep going there every week indefinitely, because it's expensive for me to travel there. Of course I realize I'm lucky to be able to go to the LGBT center and be able to be out! My situation is much better than what some people have to go through. But I still need friends and I still don't have them.

    I don't want to say anything about your trauma because I'm not sure what to say, but maybe you could consider talking about it with a professional?
     
  12. SevnButton

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    Hi Effy-
    Does anyone else ever feel like this? YES!!!!! I have lots of acquaintances, and I enjoy the people at work. I have a couple of friends, but no one that I can talk to and really bare my soul.

    But good news! You've come to the right place! There's a lot of support to be found here on EmptyClosets, and ultimately that can be a step toward building in-person support. People here have helped me to learn to stop fiercely hiding my gayness, and my relationships and meeting people are transformed when it's OK if they figure out that I'm gay (bi, actually, but I haven't learned to be comfortable with that term).

    Best wishes, and good luck! Please keep posting!
     
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  13. SevnButton

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    Another thought, Effy - it really helped me to read other people's posts, and to reach out to them when something they wrote resonated with me.
     
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  14. silverhalo

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    I'm so sorry for what you went through. I think it's understandable that it has impacted your ability to accept your sexuality. I didn't go through anything like that but I still found it hard to accept myself. EC is a great place to try and become more comfortable within yourself.
    Do you feel like you want to tell someone but can't or do you feel like you don't want to tell anyone?
     
  15. Effy

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    I feel like I’ve dealt with it now tbh I just think it has impacted my life greatly and is the main reason my life took the wrong path. Fixing it is the part I’m finding most difficult. Trying to do it myself without support. I’m leaving my husband and we are making arrangements for us to seperate by summer. He doesn’t know I’m gay. He’s being supportive so far even though he doesn’t want to split. It’s hard leaving someone you trust and love because you can’t be intimate with them and he needs that. The last few days I’ve hated being gay. I know it will pass and I’m trying to be positive.
    Thank you all for your support! X
     
  16. Effy

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    Yeah this has helped lots thanks. X
     
  17. Effy

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    I think I’ve dealt with the trauma but it’s more how it affected my life for so long. It’s like I’ve gotten into a tangled mess and I now need to untangle everything to get back to me. Doing this on my own is hard. Would have been nice to have made proper friends as a youngster as I could really use the support.
     
  18. Kyrielles

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    Same here, definitely don't feel alone. I actually lost some friends after coming out, which in turn kind of made me iffy about making new ones. It's gotten sort of better for me now though, but I occasionally still feel that loneliness. For me the loneliness usually kicks when I just need someone to talk to and realize I've no one to talk to who can relate on my level, I legit have 0 lesbian friends. It's like my straight friends have never seemed interested in listening to anything relating to my sexuality, and my gay friends aren't comprehending because they're living completely opposite my lifestyle. It definitely gets lonely sometimes. People usually say try to find a local lgbtq community, so if that's an option for you I'd strongly recommend it. Also if you get extremely lonely just log on here and chat. Or maybe find another online safe haven to chat to at least get it out.
     
  19. signmypapyrus

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    So, I was also molested by girls and it deterred my coming out. When I was in group therapy many years ago, one wonderful thing that the therapists said to us was that sexual abuse does not necessarily make us gay, straight, bi, trans, queer. And even if it does, in one sense, why does it matter? Ok that’s a tough question. First, there’s a wonderful book called A Mind-Body Approach to Sexual Healing, which is a sex guide for sexual assault survivors. You can find it online or healthy and sex positive sex shops. I found mine in NYC in a queer sex shop.
    I was molested by a female relative and at a sleepover. For years I was terrified of women until my first boyfriend brutally raped me. Then I was just scared of everyone. I eventually asked my best friend to go on a trip with me and we slept in the same room together. It was incredibly healing for me. Over time, I asked friends to let me touch them (hold hands, caress their face) and it helped me gain power and heal myself. I did the same for myself— nonsexually touch myself. I have found that being violated by girls destroys these wonderful, intimate moments, but we can gain them back since women also crave intimacy (for the most part).
    I have not had sex with a woman. I’m not there yet. But I have found that my relationships with women, dating, friendships, and therapy are very healing. I seek out queer spaces because they’re very welcoming, accommodating, and accept the survivor in me. That doesn’t mean I haven’t been hurt, rejected, or even threatened. But I find I feel I have more agency.

    It seems like therapy and a good queer group would do wonders for you. Also feel free to message me. I’m not on here too often, but I’ll get back to you ASAP
     
  20. silverhalo

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    I think it's easy to hate being gay, you can hate it for what it has done to you and your husband or for the complications it throws on your life or the fact you struggle to be honest with people. There are many reasons and most of us have been there at some point.
    Are there any LGBT groups that meet up where you live?