There has been a lot of discussion about shame on EC. Not so much about guilt, though some people express guilt. But even though it is mentioned, it is not discussed in much detail at all. What's the difference? I have talked about these concepts with professionals but I sometimes forget. I didn't know what category to put this under so I put it here.
I have never felt ashamed of my sexual orientation nor have I ever felt guilty for acting to satisfy my sexual needs but I have also felt ashamed that so many others cannot accept me as I am even though they have absolutely no involvement with me besides their awareness of what I may be doing behind closed doors.
Shame: Being gay is bad. I am gay. Therefore I am bad. Guilt: I have done something bad, therefore I feel bad about it.
I have felt both shame and guilt. I am married and I’ve cheated on my wife with other men. I have seen a lot of guys on here who say that like me they are closeted and plan to come out to their wives. People who have been married for 20 or 30 years deciding that they need to do this and say they’ve based it on one or few experiences they had before marriage but that they’ve never cheated. I won’t lie, I find those claims dubious. Admitting the shame and guilt I have over breaking my vows haunts me. I made the wrong choice 20 years ago, I did love her, but I knew I liked men then. It wasn’t solidified as it is now and I never knew how I’d handle the urges if they came on but I knew I’d have them. I didn’t marry her with an intention that it would “cure” me of it. Now I know how I’ve handled it, badly. I feel a lot of guilt and shame over that. I don’t feel guilt or shame over being gay, I know a lot of people do over deep seeded religious or social beliefs. I do feel fear over how coworkers would view me and would I be as effective at my job if they find out. But I know so many people feel that shame and guilt because for years they were told that gay = bad. Last item, when it comes time to finally come out I will feel shame and guilt over what I am doing. I’ll feel that over cheating although she will not hear about that. I will feel shame and guilt over abandoning her, over choosing my happiness over her’s, and for putting her through the pain she will endure. I won’t be able to remain in the marriage if what I think I have to do is done. That may be what brings on the worst thoughts of shame and guilt, leaving her alone.
I think guilt can arise from many different places actually. We may feel guilty about the idea of upsetting or disappointing people, we may feel guilty about telling lies or living a lie, we may feel guilty about not carrying on a blood line, we may feel guilty about the idea of offending God... the list goes on. One thing we do know is that guilt and shame are close bed fellows and rather than face them down (as we must,) we close the door of the closet until the pressure becomes too much. Sadly, that makes things worse and only delays the inevitable reality that we must confront these issues in order to move on to a happier and more authentic life.
