Between a few posts on here I went out of hiding where I’m reading and writing to people and my wife had dinner ready. I ate and we were talking for a moment. I’ve been realizing that I need to come out to her. She knew for years that I was bi, but over the years I know I am actually gay, I may be transgender, I can’t say for certain on that, but I know I like men almost exclusively. The only woman I could ever have sex with is her & I believe that is only because after 20 years we are so emotionally attached. But I digress, I’m an idiot, a moron, a dolt. She was watching a new show on Amazon and it has the woman from the HBO show True Blood on it. She mentioned that woman’s boyfriend on the show was married to her. I mention how that couple used to make a big deal about how Anna Paquin was bisexual (they did). Her response was “I don’t think they do that anymore, in fact I don’t know she even is anymore. I think that may have been a phase they went through because it was cool”. My wife and I both had bisexual experiences (with each other as swingers) and at this point I know she was talking about us, not the actress and her husband. What makes me so stupid was this was my perfect opportunity to open up. She left me the opening to expand on the discussion about how I still have same sex feelings. If it wasn’t a chance to come out depending on which way the conversation went, it was definitely a chance to soften up the playing field for when I need to have the talk. I have no idea when this will ever come up organically like that ever again. How f-ing stupid and cowardly could I be? Could I ever be more so? Damn this is tough.
First thing Ive ever posted here. I just came out to my wife last night, so I was where you are just one night before that. I totally get how youre feeling, and i dont think youre a coward. Dont beat yourself up. This is hard. Going through with it was the hardest thing ive ever done. You probably just dont want to hurt her. Thats noble. However, my advice would be to remind yourself that you cant make her happy, if you arent happy. Its noble to not want to hurt her, but its not fair to either of you to keep it hidden. Take it easy on yourself, and be honest. Its simple, but tough.
Thank you for the reply and for the kind words. Unfortunately I would bet cowardice is part of the reason I have not done it yet. You are correct that I do not want to hurt her. I don’t know how noble I am, but it was nice of you to see it that way. Growing up a conservative Catholic you’d be surprised how little the subject of homosexuality being a sin was. There was the stigma in my rural community against gays but still enough of them that you were going to have a good chance of knowing someone gay. I’m pretty sure my sister, who turns 50 this year, is still closeted and gay. I am really unsure where the deep seeded feelings come from that give me the fear of coming out? My wife had known I’m bi, a few times I’ve mentioned things to her that I know remind her of it over the years even though we have not practiced any bisexual sex (through swinging) together like we used to do. I even told her one time that “if it weren’t for her I’d probably be gay”. It seems in spite of her I am anyway. She’s still a pretty woman but she’s aging and it’s wearing on her body image. We both were always very slender and attractive (not a brag, we just were) and she’s put on about 18 lbs which to a 110 lb woman is a big deal. I’m very worried what this “revelation” will have on her self image? She’s in her mid 40’s, not a lot of women that age, especially not in her mind, are meeting men and starting their married lives over. I love her but I don’t see that to live the life I want how we could stay together after I come out. So, how did your wife take the news? Was it complete shock? Did some things make sense to her now? How long had the two of you been married/together? Did she know anything before hand? Did you choose to come out or were you forced to after being caught at something or with something? Did you have a chance for a perfectly timed announcement or was it like my missed opportunity and there was an opening to take care of it? How did you tell her, verbally, with a letter, or by email? Sorry for all of the questions but I want to learn from others on here how best to do this and with the minimal damage to her. Thanks
If theres one thing Ive learned from this hellish experience, its that it is impossible to minimize the damage in any meaningful way. Control of that is 100% in the hands of the person who is on the receiving end of what you have to say. The only thing you can do is be honest with yourself and her, and try to explain yourself. You may not be able to explain in a way that is satisfactory, and that is something I personally wasnt prepared for. For my wife, it was a complete shock, although I told her only one day after accepting myself for what I am. Really, I was still pretty shocked by the whole thing. She hasnt mentioned anything suddenly making sense, or anything like that, but that is probably just taking a back seat to the anger and grief. We've been together for four years, married for two...so I know our situations arent even slightly comparable in that regard. It killed me having to pretend everything was normal, and be sweet and cute like I normally would, even for the one night I had to fake it. So i didnt have the chance to wait for an opportunity to bring it up organically. I didnt have the courage to tell her to her face, so the actual "Im gay" part came through text...and I know how horrible that sounds. After that, we had a long talk/cry. I wasnt forced into coming out due to cheating or anything, thank god. If you want more details, I have a thread in this same section ("came out to my wife last night") that goes more in depth about what happened to me...maybe something in there can help you in some way. If you have any more questions, I'll help as much as I can. Truthfully, I need something to distract me (which, oddly, this does...despite the fact that Im writing about it), and something that makes me feel like Im not a terrible person.
I had a real moment on this site yesterday. Someone asked me a “personal question” and in answering they said I helped them. For me it was huge, not only the sense that I could relate to their situation but that what I had to say helped them in some way. Your comments are helpful to me. So you might take some solace in that. I know our situations are not the same as far as time but this has to be a major thing to a wife no matter how long you’ve been married. I’m sorry you had to do it by text because it seems you didn’t want to do it that way. I’ll check out your other post. I need all the help I can get.
