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Need help deciphering my feelings about my sexuality

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by ofrosetti, Feb 8, 2018.

  1. ofrosetti

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    Okay, so I'm an 18 year old female who has always experienced some level of confusion about her sexuality. The main issue at hand is that I straddle the line between lesbian and bisexual, and the other being I'm a little tired of reading so much conflicting information and would appreciate any straight forward input regarding how I should interpret my experiences. P.S I am diagnosed with OCD so this may get a bit rambly, and do not be surprised by my in depth thought as it is one of my obsessions, though that doesn't make me straight.

    So, I have had crushes on about 4-5 boys that were all pretty intense. They started from around age six, and gave me strong butterflies and preoccupied my mind a lot. They grew from innocent "I love you" fantasies to sexual ones at around age 13, when I was utterly obsessed with a boy a year older than me. However, these weren't at all defined by any sort of arousal (that I was consciously aware of), only infatuation, my physical responses around them, and endless fantasies.

    On the other hand, I have experienced relatively strong arousal for females since about the age of seven. I don't recall any sort of crushes on the scale of the boys, but rather an intense admiration (which may have been attraction) for particular girls throughout my life. To no doubt they were accompanied by envy, that is true, but I enjoyed looking at their bodies and have always got turned on by breasts, butts, et cetera. The first time I remember seriously considering my orientation was at 13, when I was experiencing this crush on a boy, but got randomly turned on by my friend's breasts, to my alarm. It has since spiralled from there, becoming an intense obsession that has made me both depressed and anxious. I consider this obsession the root of a lot of my anxiety issues, because I cannot seem to not only come to a conclusion, but figure out my feelings.

    At the moment, my issue stems from deciding whether I am a lesbian or bisexual. I am not overly concerned with labels, but any input would be greatly appreciated nevertheless. I am considering whether I am a lesbian because, as attracted as I feel towards many males I see every day, as soon as they show interest, I am filled with intense anxiety that I cannot shake. Some of the attraction fades and I end up dissolving into a state of panic and just want to run away. So, after reading on the internet, I have been told this may be because I am experiencing some sort of 'fake' attraction to males that is indoctrinated by society. I consider this and try and say "Right, you don't need to be attracted to males." This is what I have been trying to tell myself for the past two years, and my feelings of attraction to males, in the way I experience it, hasn't changed.

    I have had one relationship with a male. He ended up being quite, um, mean at times and a little bit trouble-making for me, so I ended it. However, we did have sexual interactions, not intercourse but almost, and I really really enjoyed it. I enjoyed being close to him, I always wanted to be near him when he wasn't there, and as many doubts as I had about him emotionally, I was very comfortable with the idea of sex with him and kind of wanted it strongly at times. I had a lot of worries about penises, as I thought if I'm a lesbian then I'll hate them, but I actually ended up finding them a bit of a turn on. Would a lesbian feel like this? I am not sure if it's my OCD trying to stuff me into the lesbian box or if I'm in denial, having being diagnosed with OCD already.

    However, I always had this level of anxiety being with him I could never fully shake, which was another reason why I had to end it. I thought it was because I was a lesbian in denial, and it made me feel so guilty for being with him. He knew about my attractions for females, he had some for males too, however I couldn't shake the anxiety from my head. But the closeness was amazing and I do miss kissing him, it's like a hole has been left where I can't experience that connection anymore.

    What makes me doubt is, with girls, I can't imagine getting any of that anxiety. I imagine dating a girl would feel incredibly natural, without excess anxiety and doubts - once upon a time I used to really doubt I was aroused by men sexually, but I have always known I am incredibly aroused by females. With masturbation (sticky topic, sorry, but have heard it's relevant) I masturbated to girls first, and not boys. I do it to boys now which gives me a strong reaciton, but that was only through testing myself and of course I have now considered maybe I conditioned myself to experience those intense sexual feelings.

    So there is all this to consider, and I am hoping someone on here would be able to give me a direction to head in in terms of deciphering all of this emotional stuff. Do I sound lesbian or bisexual?

    P.S I have heard so many times: "If you search up, "Am I gay" then you are". I've done this so so many times, yet is it because I have OCD or because I'm a lesbian? Silly question, but should I believe stuff like this that I read? Thank you!
     
  2. Kelania

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    This is incredibly in depth! Wow!
    I am currently in the same boat as you and wonder if I am bisexual or pansexual and whether I am genderfluid (if you can help me too that'd be great! If you can't that's also fine)
    I'll try to answer as in depth as I can because you're explanation is so specific.

    I am not the most knowledgeable person being fifteen but I'll do my best.

    Firstly, trying to put yourself in a box seems to cause you a lot of stress. Try to understand that everyone's sexuality fluctuates a lot and maybe the same is for you! If you'll feel better with a specific label then I'll do my best to break it down.

    You stated that you have felt sexually attracted towards guys before. You also read that it could be a 'fake' attraction that was put in place by the 'rules' of society that assumes people are straight. Personally, I believe that if you've been attracted to them before, who says it's fake? If you were attracted, you were attracted simple as that. You then stated that you weren't as sexually attracted the boy older than you but more infatuated. More on this later.

    You seem set on the fact that you are sexually attracted to girls hence the lesbian or bisexual. In both of them, liking girls is part of the equation and so I probably don't need to state too much on this. I agree you are attracted to girls, definitely making you a lesbian.

    Back to the males. I think you are definitely sexually attracted to them. Making you bisexual. However you seem a little on and off about whether it is sexual or just infatuation. I think that you have to different options:

    Bisexual
    You have felt sexually attracted to both genders before. When you were young and later in life.

    Lesbian and Biromantic
    You are sexually attracted to girls and romantically attracted to both genders. You explained that you missed kissing him and this could have been an example of romantic attraction.

    Personally, I would peg you as bisexual. You have felt sexually attracted to both genders but have felt less towards males after wondering about being a lesbian. No matter what you decide, remember that this does not define you, it's just part of who you are.

    After notes:
    1. Sorry if the advice was bad, I am young and may not be as knowledgeable as others.
    2. I'm available to talk to if you want. I'm not around 24/7 but I'll always reply.
    3. I hope you get to the bottom of this if it is causing you grief! Hope you're anxiety lessens and you begin to feel less stressed xx
     
  3. Niagara

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    It sounds like you're bisexual to me. If you were a Lesbian you wouldn't have wanted to have sex with that guy you were in a relationship with.
     
  4. ofrosetti

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    I'm so sorry for the late replies - thank you so so much to the above posters!! You have really helped me, I will take what you have said into account!

    Kelania I hope you're feeling okay! Please remember it's the most important, I believe, to be yourself, regardless of a label! The label comes secondary to your comfortability. Thank you so much for your in depth response, I truly hope you find a sense of comfort with your journey, I think I am starting to become more okay with exploring it and the uncertainty. Your happiness comes first, so don't torture yourself, and your opinion of yourself is the most important, so try not to hyper-focus on the opinions of others like I have! You'll have an amazing life regardless of what gender or orientation you decide you are (I should take my own advice!!), but I really believe it.

    Good luck to you both! <3
     
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  5. Cert

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    This is a super late reply, but I wanted to throw in my two cents. DISCLAIMER: I, personally, think that giving your sexuality a label is a waste of time and that your sexuality can only really be described as "you." However, I used to have mild OCD linked with anxiety and sexuality was one of my obsessions. For me, finding a label (I like romantically gay) really helped me, so I'll try to help you find yours. Also, I'm not using any official terms, most of these (with the exception of bisexual) are terms that I made up, the definitions of which should be relatively self-explanatory.

    I'm in a very similar boat to yours (straddling gay and bisexual). I think getting panicked when someone shows mutual interest is normal, it happens to me as well. Sometimes it means that you have a deep attraction to them, sometimes it could have something to do with embarrassment. The fact that you had attractions to boys when you were in your single digits doesn't mean much (when you see so much of boys being with girls, your completely asexual mind starts to think that it should try to pair boys with girls), but the fact that you had an attraction at 13 probably means that you aren't completely lesbian. Was this purely sexual or was it romantic and sexual? If you had fantasies about cuddling, sweet nothings etc. than that probably means that you are, at least to some degree, overall bisexual. However, if you could only pleasurably think about making out, having sex etc. than this probably means that you are romantically lesbian. If dating a girl seems like it would feel natural, than it probably would.

    Going back to the masturbation (it's totally okay to bring this up, by the way), sit down in a comfortable place without any distractions (including porn) and masturbate. Think about having sex with a boy. Does this turn you on more? If it does, than there's no reason to believe that you aren't sexually attracted to males. Do this again with girls and ask yourself the same question. While it probably isn't a good way to gage true human attraction, masturbation is the perfect way to think about sexual interaction as you are in a hypersexual state. Don't think that you're in denial just because you are sexually attracted to both genders- it is perfectly normal and acceptable to be bisexual, and you aren't having fake attraction created by society. Just as an ideology, that sort of seems like heterophobia; think about saying that the other way. If you told a bisexual girl that her attraction to other girls was fake and that she should put it aside, wouldn't that seem homophobic?

    Now, as you walk down the street, look around. Find whoever you think is the most attractive, whichever gender it is (I know how hard it is to put aside your notion that you have to be a lesbian, but you need to try as hard as you can), and think about having a candlelight dinner with them or cuddling up and watching a movie or something sappy like that. This may feel weird because it's about a stranger, but if it doesn't seem completely weird mainly because of physical attributes or gender than you probably have an attraction to this gender, at least to some degree. Keep looking for more people. Are they all one gender, or does it mix? Remember, there's nothing wrong with having attraction to both genders.

    As for your PS, this does NOT apply to people with OCD. This advice is for people who just happened to think about it one day, not people who are obsessed with it. Also, what they usually mean is "not completely straight," not necessarily "completely gay." One last thing, if you are looking for something to categorize you I highly recommend the Kinsey Scale test. As much as I hate categorizing, it is based in science, and if you are obsessing and need something to tell you how gay you are than I would use this. I used it many times, just google it. Sorry for the lengthy reply, this got out of hand quickly :slight_smile:
     
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  6. Foxfeather

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    Drop the labels, and drop the "hot or not?" test whenever you see someone. Just let the emotions come to you naturally. You'll know when you are attracted to people and when you're not, you just know. It's not something that needs guiding, but it may need some searching and self-acceptance. Just live your life, don't fret too much about it (I know i have in the past) and let it come naturally to you. And if people ask for labels, say wahtever you want. Gay. Or pansexual. Or bisexual. Or questioning. Or queer. Let the umbrella terms catch everything until
     
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