Advice? How to deal with a closeted woman

Backstory:

Almost two years ago I met a woman online who had never dated a woman before. She came from a very religious background. She did not (and still doesn’t) want to go against her parents, so she was very closeted. We went on some dates, and one time we made out. After that she got scared and felt ashamed and things got strained. I liked her and was feeling hurt by her uncertainty with everything, so I decided it was best we went our own ways until she knew what she wanted.

I had texted her occasionally, but never got a reply. It’s been close to two years since we stopped communicating.

Forward to just a few weeks ago:

She messages me out of the blue. We start chatting and catching up. She tells me she’s still dealing with her sexuality and had been with a man but they’ve since broken up. She said things with a man didn’t feel right, I guess.

She mentioned that she still feels shame and guilt about her feelings for women. She’s still very much closeted and figuring herself out. She wants to take things with me slow, which is fine and I understand.

We decided to meet up for a date. It went well. At the end of the night we ended up making out and getting very heated. We hit the brakes so that things didn’t go further than she’s ready for; leaving us both sexually frustrated and wanting more. I’m totally fine with waiting to be intimate until she’s ready.

I’m her first (woman) everything. I don’t mind that she’s closeted while she figures herself out. I’m just afraid that she’s going to start over-analyzing things again and getting scared again. I don’t want to get too attached to her emotionally just to be in the same position I was a couple years ago. I know she likes me, as we have verbally expressed our mutual feelings to each other, but I’m still so unsure.

I’m not even sure what I’m asking advice about. Maybe I just need to vent to someone. I just don’t know how to feel about everything. It does sometimes feel like I’m in limbo with her and like I’m her woman experiment. I need reassurance, but not sure how to ask for it.

Has anyone been in a similar position?

 

Thanks for the replies!

I like the idea about her attending an accepting church. I’m wondering if she would do that. She still attends church with her parents when she can. That may be some of the problem. She’s faced with her shame and guilt whenever she attends their church.

She said she just recently started therapy. I hope that she’s being completely open about her gay/conflicting feelings during her sessions- I just want her to get the full benefit of therapy.

Last night I could tell that something was off with her. She hadn’t been as talkative to me and stuff. I told her I was having mixed feelings about where things are going with us. She said it would be ok for me to step back while she continues to figure everything out. I told her I wanted us to figure it out together, but I’m not sure if that’s altogether true.

I don’t want to give up on her- at the same time I can feel my wall coming up. It’s my defense mechanism. She’s still figuring out herself and that means that she doesn’t really know yet what she wants. I know that I don’t want to get hurt by her again.

I’m definitely taking a step back. I’m not going to further pursue a romantic relationship with her right now. I’ll stay her friend, but that’s it. There’s too much uncertainty going on for it to be healthy for me to continue with anything more.

 

Thanks for replying. She’s going out of town for a couple of weeks on a business trip, so I think that will give us some space and time to reflect. We both need it.