crush on a friend but scared to mess up

I have a friend who is very important to me. We've never met in person (yet, more later)
but we talk on Twitter and SMS and stuff. We have similar interests and they are the person I trust the most, I dare say unconditionally. We're only two years apart in age and also partially have similar troubles. We're also to meet in Summer when they stop by near me on their way to vacation, perhaps earlier if I can afford taking a train to where they live (we're roughly 1000km away).

We have a sort of sex thing going on, as in we're both rather kinky and take turns doing D/s texting for one another. Hasn't been going on long yet, but it's pretty great (we talked about kinks a lot before we started that so we're very familiar with what each other likes), up to the point that they promised to blow me when we meet and they are the only person I trust enough and am comfortable enough with to consider doing that. This isn't even true for the only other guy I've done sexting with before.

Now to the problem part.

I used to think I was exclusively gay but have been doubting that for about a year, and with the help of talking about it with some of my friends, I've come to think that I am more a very gay pansexual (it's complicated).

The point is, although they're AFAB, I'm attracted to my crush. I am not sure how much is physical attraction (I'm turned off by vaginas and don't mind their breasts but I still think my friend looks very hot), how much stems from the D/s thing and how much is because I like them as a person.

But what's going on is that I miss them terribly when we haven't texted yet on a day, I really crave to be affectionate with them (hugs, cuddling, whatever) and love telling them they're cute and I get very down and jealous when I think about them flirting with other people (we're not together and didn't really talk about it but we're not really exclusive). I have more than enough trust and abandonment and other issues, but they're the only one I don't doubt when I have a paranoid fit at night.

I talked about some of this with them. I'm always scared to mess up or scare people away, but they promised that I can always talk to them about my worries, that they wouldn't leave just because I have issues and that it's gonna take a lot more to fuck up. They said they found it sort of cute I was jealous (I didn't mention to which extent, only that I'm worried they might meet someone and realise they can do better than me), did their best to assure me that I'm great despite my self-esteem issues and promised that even if I had a crush on them, they wouldn't be freaked out (I only mentioned I'm worried about crushing on them and messing up). I mentioned I felt shitty for being possessive like that and they told me it's not a problem and that I'm nowhere near to fucking up our friendship as I think.

I feel like shit these past few days and I've been crying a lot over this. If they lived near me, perhaps I'd just ask them out, but as they live 1000km away, I'm too worried to, especially as two mutual friends of ours recently broke up from a long-distance thing after just a month and I think I'm too easily jealous and too much in need of physical contact to do long-distance. I hope that might change once I have enough money to see them (government-funded student allowance application pending right now), but at the moment, I feel like a possessive creep and am scared to fuck up. I have no clue what to do.

 

Also I forgot to mention that they're pretty much the only person I can imagine doing anything sexual or romantic at the moment. Usually, I see a hot bloke and think something along the lines of "hot, wouldn't mind shagging that one" but right now imagining myself with anybody but them feels uninteresting.

 

I've decided to talk about it with them later today and I'm scared shitless and 99% sure this is going to make our D/s texting awkward/ruin it, but I'm clinging to their promise that I can't just easily mess up our friendship... really I'm just a mess of panic right now...

 

So we talked this out and I was super scared but it went over pretty well? They told me they don't have a crush on me but that they like me and they're glad I told them and trust them and assured me that we were cool and nothing was gonna be awkward and repeated their earlier promise that I could tell them anything and wasn't gonna fuck up. I also said how I'd be happy if they could just not mention flirting with other people when talking to me because of how jealous I get and they said sure, cool. So I guess that went well? I'm really shaking because I'm super relieved I didn't lose a friend because I'm always super scared to lose people.

 

I don't know yet how this is gonna affect our day to day conversations but they told me that's it's okay and they're not freaked out and also told me to stop always apologising because I haven't done anything wrong and didn't fuck up so I guess it's okay.