1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Asked in interview "are you still gay"? Inappropriate or not?!

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by MsPurpleFrog, Feb 9, 2018.

?

Is this okay or not okay?

  1. Okay

    1 vote(s)
    3.6%

  2. NOT Okay

    27 vote(s)
    96.4%
Thread Tools

Thread Tools

  1. MsPurpleFrog

    MsPurpleFrog
    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Mar 9, 2016
    Messages:
    24
    Likes Received:
    6
    Location:
    UK
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    So I was at an interview this week with a view to becoming a minister. Fairly early on I was "are you still gay"? I asked why, and I was told, "well you know, some people can change and are fluid".

    I haven't experienced this person to be overtly homophobic, and the church is largely gay-affirming - but what has really upset me is how insensitive this question was, and that it should even be something that is asked these days. I just think it would be like asking someone "are you still straight?" or "are you still a woman"?

    Should it even matter what someone is or not?!

    Am I overreacting, or am I right to think this is not okay?
     
    #1 MsPurpleFrog, Feb 9, 2018
  2. Rana

    Rana Guest

    I would have reacted similarly. It shouldn't matter, and the question shows how much the person asking it has misunderstood about sexual orientation.
     
    #2 Rana, Feb 9, 2018
    MsPurpleFrog likes this.
  3. DecentOne

    DecentOne
    Full Member

    Joined:
    Nov 2, 2017
    Messages:
    856
    Likes Received:
    482
    Location:
    East Coast US
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    It shouldn't matter to the interviewer, unless the "largely gay-affirming" church is asking in order to better quantify if they are reaching particular goals of inclusion. I don't think you are over-reacting. It might be worth a follow up question to ask why it was brought up -- if you don't think that would penalize your prospects. Maybe being assertive would be seen as a good thing?
     
    #3 DecentOne, Feb 9, 2018
    Soundofmusic and Northern guy like this.
  4. Chip

    Chip
    Board Member Admin Team Advisor Full Member

    Joined:
    May 9, 2008
    Messages:
    16,560
    Likes Received:
    4,758
    Location:
    northern CA
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Totally not ok on more than one level. First, it’s ignorant. Second, in some states, it’s illegal, and third, the implications are that if you are still gay, the employer isn’t interested. Just bad all around.
     
    #4 Chip, Feb 9, 2018
    LostInDaydreams, MsPurpleFrog, Northern guy and 1 other person like this.
  5. silverhalo

    silverhalo
    Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 22, 2008
    Messages:
    10,698
    Likes Received:
    3,723
    Location:
    England,
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Hey that's totally not ok. I was shocked when I saw you were in the uk. I don't think they can ask that over here in an interview
     
    #5 silverhalo, Feb 10, 2018
    Bouldghirl, LostInDaydreams and MsPurpleFrog like this.
  6. Peterpangirl

    Peterpangirl
    Full Member

    Joined:
    Feb 19, 2017
    Messages:
    847
    Likes Received:
    663
    Location:
    UK
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Some people
    I'm from the UK. I am sure that question is illegal. It's a bit like being asked - "So, do you plan on having children soon?" Unacceptable and illegal. Different if there is an equal opportunities questionnaire that asks about ethnicity and sexual orientation - the latter is to do with inclusion.
     
    #6 Peterpangirl, Feb 10, 2018
    hufflepup, LostInDaydreams and MsPurpleFrog like this.
  7. PatrickUK

    PatrickUK
    Full Member

    Joined:
    Feb 25, 2014
    Messages:
    6,943
    Likes Received:
    2,362
    Location:
    England
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    It's not okay, but I wouldn't immediately assume it's illegal. Sadly, churches have certain exemptions from aspects of UK equality legislation and may use those exemptions to pry into the private lives of candidates for ministry. I think it stinks when they do and I hope they will eventually come to their senses and desist, but we are where we are.

    This kind of highlights how very easy it is for people to misunderstand fluidity and why we (as a community) should be very careful when we talk about it. People can easily take comments about fluidity to mean something else and use it against us, or in support of crackpot ideas like reparative therapy.
     
    #7 PatrickUK, Feb 10, 2018
    MsPurpleFrog likes this.
  8. Bernice

    Bernice
    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jun 8, 2017
    Messages:
    234
    Likes Received:
    57
    Location:
    Gloucestershire
    Gender:
    Genderqueer
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Some people
    I think the question or at least the way it was asked was inappropriate if not illegal unless there was some sort of occupational requirement to the role or are trying to be aware of diversity in the workplace. But if there was they should have answered this when you asked why and not answered with the comment they gave.
     
    #8 Bernice, Feb 10, 2018
  9. Markieg64

    Markieg64
    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Nov 8, 2017
    Messages:
    221
    Likes Received:
    90
    Location:
    Middlesex
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Hey it is not exeptable and it' inappropriate
    To even ask that question I can't see what difference it is this day an age it should not matter
     
    #9 Markieg64, Feb 10, 2018
    MsPurpleFrog likes this.
  10. MsPurpleFrog

    MsPurpleFrog
    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Mar 9, 2016
    Messages:
    24
    Likes Received:
    6
    Location:
    UK
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Thanks everyone for your support. Having spoken to some people IRL about it, they did wonder whether the interviewer was trying to put me through my paces to see how I would react under pressure (testing resilience and coping with opposition). But I still don't think asking that question was justified, even if it was meant in the spirit of seeing how I would react to pressure - or opposition to my sexuality.
     
    #10 MsPurpleFrog, Feb 10, 2018
  11. MsPurpleFrog

    MsPurpleFrog
    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Mar 9, 2016
    Messages:
    24
    Likes Received:
    6
    Location:
    UK
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Yes. In the interview I responded honestly about my sexuality, as I believe the only way to banish ignorance is to be open and frank. I answered that yes, I am gay because it is the easiest label to use, but whilst there is some fluidity in my sexuality, I am predominantly attracted to women.

    I realise this might be confusing for some out there. But for me, if I was secretive about the fluidity in my sexuality, it would not help with the belief that somehow there is less integrity in someone's gay identity if you are occasionally attracted to the opposite sex. Only by talking about it, can we dispel these misunderstandings.
     
    #11 MsPurpleFrog, Feb 10, 2018
    Butterflies85 likes this.
  12. Bouldghirl

    Bouldghirl
    Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 6, 2015
    Messages:
    130
    Likes Received:
    48
    Location:
    Cardiff
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    That really shocked me. Like others I thought that sort of question was illegal. I still think it should be. I don’t know which church it was but most are (in theory) open to gay men and women to enter the ministry. If it was solely designed to see your reaction under pressure it was an extremely crass way of doing it. You appear to have answered honestly and openly and I sincerely hope you were given credit for that.
     
    #12 Bouldghirl, Feb 11, 2018
  13. Butterflies85

    Butterflies85
    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Apr 17, 2017
    Messages:
    122
    Likes Received:
    146
    Location:
    Australia
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Yes I agree with others- I think it is totally inappropriate. Well done in answering so honestly though- I love how you said your answer is aimed at dispelling the misunderstanding that someone’s gay identity is somehow less valid when there is fluidity involved. That was a wonderful point!
     
    #13 Butterflies85, Feb 11, 2018
(You must log in or sign up to post here.)