Hello again, It has been just over a week since my husband and I split up. Each day has felt like it's been 7 days in one. It feels incredibly surreal. Sometimes I have to pinch myself that I was finally so brave to actually lead the conversation towards ending the marriage. (We've been teetering on the edge of separation for some time, never quite able to take the leap) Some might remember my post 'It feels hopeless' where I talked about how I felt so trapped in my marriage and having to feel like I had to have sex with my husband or otherwise he would get grumpy, sulky etc and hard to live with. We have been in a bad place in my mind for years, but particularly bad these last couple of months. I decided I was no longer going to give in to his passive aggressive behavior towards me when he didn't get sex. It wasn't long before he confronted me about it, saying he felt unloved and upset that I wasn't showing him affection. The conversation went on like this for a while, until I finally admitted I just don't love him like that anymore. I just don't want to be intimate with him ever again. Before the night was up, he had accepted we were done. He tried to find ways to keep the marriage going asking for just another 6 months or a year, but I had come so far and been so brave to finally break it off that I couldn't risk going through this again. I forged on - admitting that I don't ever think I will fall back in love with him like I used to. Too much water under the bridge, other feelings within me that won't go away (being gay) and too many hurts and distrust. We told the kids on Sunday night. It was excruciating. We all sobbed together for a long while. My kids are 11 and 5, so they understood in their own ways. Thankfully, my husband and I are being so kind and caring towards each other that he is still living here for the time being. He still insists on sleeping in the same bed at night which I allow, although nothing but a few cuddles has transpired. I'm letting him grieve - slowly and gently letting him get used to the idea of not having me. He has said this has helped him tremendously because it's a slow release, which is helping him deal with the emotions as they come. He is so grateful as many other relationships end abruptly and both are left in pain and confusion. For the most part he is doing so well, I am proud that I was married to a man that despite some of his outward arrogance or indifference, actually has a very kind heart. He has his moments, where he says things that cut me a little or hurt - but I am grateful to have known him a long time to see through that as just being pain. The next step is for me to find a job- I am nervous, yet quietly excited about being independent. I just hate that whole process of job interviews and then training and getting used to a new job. But I do look to the future and feel pretty good about the fact that once I am ready - I will be able to begin meeting LGBT groups and becoming more open about my sexuality. In terms of coming out - my mum, sisters and best friend have known for a while. I came out to my dad when telling him about my marriage breakup and he was very supportive. My husband's family don't know and that is the way I would like to keep it for now. I don't see any reason to tell them at the moment, as this is not really the reason I am leaving, just one aspect of it. The truth is I fell out of love with him because of the years of him being a workaholic meant we got very little time to work on our relationship. He always put me and my needs last on his list of things to focus on and I grew out of love. The gay stuff just complicates things further- meaning I am not willing to try counselling or to 'work on it' any longer. I want to go out and explore my new identity and to enjoy being single and all the freedom that comes with it in terms of getting to know oneself again. Anyway sorry for the long post - thanks for reading and for all those over this past year who said that they are in very similar situations I hope you can take some courage in reading this or it helps in anyway. My advice is just be kind to your ex partner as much as you can (as long as they are being kind), give your kids time to adjust by trying to live under the same roof for a time so it's not a big change all at once and just keep the faith - as I am trying to do xx
Hey Butterflies85, thanks for the update. I think a lot of people here have been cheering for you, no matter what you ultimately decided to do. Best wishes to you as you move into this new phase of your life!
I am so in emotion when read your thread. Honestly, I want to divorced too like you but my wife don't want me to leave her. She loves me much and she said her love to me is the last thing and only death will part between us. I have told her that I am attracted to man and we might divorce in the future. But I am thinking my daughters and their psychology. I don't have a dream anymore with her. I never know how to open my way to get divorce with her. But you did and obviously now you are free to be yourself. Congrats!
Hey butterflies, its such a mix of emotion in the thread, it's obviously sad that that part of your life is ending and that your relationship couldn't be saved but at the same time it's so great that you were finally able to be truthful about how you were feeling and brave enough to follow your gut and your heart and be true to yourself. I feel happiness in your words and relief. I feel a peaceful confidence growing in you, that sure the road ahead won't all be plain sailing but that you can tackle each thing as it arises.
Hi butterflies I am sad that your marriage couldn' be worked out . But only you know when time is up I am glad you found the courage to end your marriage and especially to tell the kids . Yes there youg but that must of been hard hope you can find yourself in your new life
Thank you all for your support and encouragement with all this. There is nothing better than knowing you have a supportive community to turn to when the going gets tough. @S i l a s my heart goes out to you, I’m so sorry to hear you are struggling in your situation. It has been about 4 years since I admitted to my self as gay, then a solid year since I’ve been wanting to leave the marriage but unable to because of hurting my husband and kids. I still pinch myself sometimes and wonder if this is all really happening. Hang in there and keep your faith. For me the final straw was realising he needed intimacy that I didn’t want to give, so I reasoned with myself that I was being cruel to be kind. He deserves someone who can wholeheartedly love him too. Thinking of you and if you ever need to chat my wall is always there @silverhalo Thank you, yes I am starting to feel quietly more confident and at peace. I feel like this feeling is what everyone talks about. This morning my husband was still asleep beside me in the bed and I looked over at him like I’ve done for many years.So often I’ve thought- I wish that were a woman beside me. And while I care for him, there was such a disconnect I felt in seeing all his masculine features. It sounds silly but just being able to know that one day in the future there will be a woman beside me made me feel so much relief. Like finally I will be able to have what I’ve been thinking about for years. Finally I won’t have to pretend to myself or anyone else that having a man beside me makes me happy. Once he moves out, I will be able to finally be free of that guilty feeling that I should want this man/marriage/life more than I do. It is a very nice feeling!
Wow! This is remarkably brave. What a big step! I know it must be quite difficult. All transitions are tough. Pablo Picasso said, "Every act of creation begins with an act of destruction." You are daring to paint a new life for yourself...one that reflects your authentic self. You've taken the first step which is sometimes the most difficult. I hope for the best for you and your family.
You are definitely very brave and I'm glad you were able to take this step, as painful as it is. It sounds like you know what you want and that's great!
Hi @Butterflies85, I'm sure it's not going to be an easy journey, but I'm glad you've found the way you want to move forward, acted on it and had the strength to stick with it. Hopefully having a sense of direction will give you more clarity and less confusion. Keep us updated.
Butterflies85, I've been looking for the right word to describe you. It's courage. We're all learning from you.
Aww thank you @SevnButton that means a lot. My family have also said the same thing to me. Hearing that gives me so much strength to go out and live a true and happy life! Thanks @Rana @womaninamber & @LostInDaydreams for your words of encouragement and support. I really couldn’t have got to here without everyone’s support and input in these threads. I looked back over my threads right back to my very first and I was a very mixed up woman- very scared and very unsure about my future. I am so proud to be where I am now, heading into a life that whilst will still have its challenges will be filled with a sense of joy and knowing that I am in control of my own destiny. Honestly- the feeling alone of just knowing I will be free from the obligations of marriage and the secrecy of hiding my true feelings all the time is a blessing. It keeps my heart feeling light in the hard times. Not much to report lately except I’ll be applying for work this week- eeek- wish me luck!!
Good luck, Butterflies85!! Maybe you'll get lucky right away, maybe there will be some frustration and doubt. But of this I am sure: somewhere out there is the perfect work for you. We're all cheering for you!
Yes!! I've had similar thoughts about myself. I only got onto Empty Closets 3 1/2 weeks ago, and how far I've come in that short time is far beyond the progress of the prior years. I've shifted from frantically worrying that people will think I'm gay to hoping they notice that I am. It's amazing what willingness, honesty, and the support and encouragement from people who understand can accomplish!
