I told my friend I liked him, and he kissed me. But now he's not sure in what capacity he sees me.

I have recently gotten extremely close to a male friend of mine – of three years – whose sexuality I have always suspected and joked about. I'm 23 and openly gay. He's 22 and about seven months younger.

We know each other from my university's student newspaper. I was the editor-in-chief two years ago, and he was a junior editor. He is now the editor-in-chief, and I am still at university and involved in an advisory capacity.

He has always been my friend, I have always cared for him, but he and I never did anything on our own together. I always got the impression that, while he might have looked up to me and respected me an awful lot, he found me boring – or thought that I didn't want to be that good friends with him. I was always maturer than he was, too. I felt like his mentor.

It is only in the past couple of months that our conversations have felt like peer-to-peer ones. He seems like he's on my level, and we've had more interesting text-based conversations (we chat over a messaging app called Slack, which the newspaper uses) and spent a bit more time together. As he put it, he no longer feels like "the altar boy in the newspaper's office".

Before Christmas, I noticed a change in the dynamic of our relationship. We talk quite frequently over Slack, and he had started being more affectionate, more caring, more considerate of me. He started using love hearts and x's. (That is not as unusual as it sounds: we had often used love hearts in a platonic way and x's ironically, but this did feel different.)

Anyway, I started to think something was up when I told him I had seen Call Me By Your Name. He said he was annoyed because he had wanted to see it. I simply told him I'd be up for seeing it again, alluding to the fact that I'd go and see it with him if he wanted. So we made plans to do so. But then, on the day before, he suggested getting dinner beforehand. Our conversation, I thought, was quite flirty. He then messaged me to say that he hoped I would dress up for him, because he had done so and said he was looking great. I engaged in this, of course, in a way that I felt was really natural. Then, he paid for dinner when I went to the toilet, we went to see the movie, and then we went for drinks afterwards at my suggestion. Despite saying he had to be back by midnight, we ended up staying out until 1.30 am. There was definitely a point at which I thought he might want me to kiss him, but I was totally unsure about this. He also had a girlfriend. But, anyway: the point is that I had never ever done anything with him alone prior to this point. No social thing of any nature. And we got on just extremely well. I felt like there was a massive spark.

After this point, he was super eager to go for coffee with me, we got food together on two occasions, and he asked to go for coffee again. At some points, the tone shifted back to normal, but that made it more obvious to me how much the tone had shifted towards affection prior to that. The affection and flirting would always come back, then.

We went out for dinner and drinks again, but I wasn't totally sure of the vibe, and it was fine. We had a good time. We got kicked out of a bar because it was closing and then headed our separate ways. When I got home, I decided to be super forward and told him over Slack that I should have asked him back to mine, to which he said "next time". I also alluded that he had things to learn about himself, and he told me to save it for next time, too.

We had been spending an awful lot of time together separately from all of this, as he and I were presenting to high schools about journalism every single day for two weeks. But we got on so so great, and there was so much flirting, I felt. Some examples: he would comment on how we were now dressing the same, or he said he did something for my benefit, to which I said "I thought everything you did was for my benefit?". He replied: "Way more than I want you to know." I asked him if he'd consider moving to New York. He responded, knowing I wanted to move to New York, by saying "Is that a proposal?"

On the day of the final talk to the schools, he asked me if I wanted to go for dinner with him the next week. I said yes. The night following the day he asked me, he broke up with his girlfriend.

In the week leading up to that, we had a conversation on Slack that I thought was very revealing. He had messed up an article badly and was annoyed at himself, and I think bruised about me having to point it out. I told him he was really great and to stop moping about it. He sent a love heart, to which I said that it was an "appropriate emoji response". He replied: "I'm learning". I said: "Yes. You're acquiring an understanding of yourself. Slowly. But surely." Then he said: "Give me another few journeys with you and who knows what I'll be capable of." I replied: "I'm pretty sure I know what. But we'll see. Night xxx".

Last Monday, after a super super long weekend of putting the paper together, when all I would have on my mind is getting the paper finished and to print, he asked me where and when we were going for dinner. I suggested Friday, he said it worked for him. As to the location, I said we could "choose from a list of highly romantic options at a later date". He took seven minutes to reply to that, and I nearly died. But it was: "V good". Later that day, he invited me to be his plus-one at an invite-only dinner (in April), and was super thrilled when I said yes.

Anyway, to get to the end of this whole story: we chose a super romantic restaurant. He was so excited about this that he told a mutual friend we were going there – a mutual friend who would be well aware of the implications of our choice. We went for drinks afterwards. At around 1 am, he asked if I wanted to go somewhere else. I said "OK, sure, but where?", and he had no idea. We left anyway, and he still had no idea where we should go, which I found strange. But then I figured he wanted me to ask him back to my apartment. So I did, and he immediately said yes.

Despite this, I felt I was getting nowhere with him, and he had actually said a few things earlier in the night that gave me pause. ("I don't see anyone in the university who I can imagine spending the rest of my life with", for instance.) Around 3 am, he decided it was time to go. I was obviously miffed about this, and as he was going out the door, I told him to come back.

Then I decided to tell him that I saw him more as a friend and that I was basically in love with him. His response floored me. He told me that while he loved spending time with me, he only saw me as a friend. I nearly died, and told him he could go if he wanted. He didn't. I told him why I felt this way – that I felt he had been the one to escalate it into something more than a friendship. At this point I realised that everything he was doing was seemingly a subconscious thing, when I thought a lot of the details meant that he was much more aware of it. I told him I could give him specific examples of what he had done.

He said: "Please don't."

Then the rest of it is a bit of a blur. But he took off his shoes, and crossed his legs to face me. I did the same. He looked at me and said: "Look, I really don't know about my sexuality. But we can try."

And then he kissed me. It was a proper kiss, with tongues. Not short. I was the one to pull away. Then we hugged. I kissed him on the back of the neck. We held hands. Then we talked about his sexuality for the next two hours. It was more about the implications of his sexuality, rather than the specifics. (As in, we took for granted he was attracted to men.) Then he left at about 5 am. I messaged to make sure he got home safe. He replied to say he did.

We didn't really talk on Saturday. We had also been running together, and had planned a run for Saturday night. So we went for the previously planned run, and halfway through I super awkwardly asked him if we could stop and chat on a bench. I asked how he was. He said he was fine, but that he hadn't come to any conclusions. Then I asked if he was happy to continue spending time with me. He said: "Yeah, I am, but I'm not sure in what capacity, if that's OK?" And I said: "Yeah, fair." I told him I had been happy with the trajectory of our relationship, having fun and enjoying it. He didn't really respond to that, and asked if we could continue running.

He only has one friend who he can talk to about this stuff, and I encouraged him to meet her ASAP on the night we kissed. During that conversation on the bench, he said he would let me know how he got on with her. I told him he didn't have to if he didn't want to.

After the run, I messaged him to say the following:
• If I’m not messaging you
• I’m not playing games or being weird
• And it’s not that I don’t want to hear from you
• It’s mainly that I don’t want to be overwhelming in any way
• But also because I have feelings too
• And I know you have so so much to think about and come to terms with
• And – again – I’ll always be there for you
• I’m just saying not to misinterpret my silence as anything other than silence
• And I’m also not saying I plan to be silent

He replied:
• That's all eminently sensible dw

Within 24 hours (last night), he had messaged me about one of his articles becoming popular on Twitter. It seemed to me like a case of him really wanting to share good news with me. I engaged and replied enthusiastically in our normal tone. But then I left it taper out.

He met the friend today. (I know this from a mutual friend of ours.)

He messaged me to ask something truly banal about the newspaper. Something he could have answered himself.

But there has been nothing about the meeting with his friend, which I'm upset about. I feel like he kind of owes it to me to tell me, even though I told him he didn't have to tell me.

I know I have to give him space. But how much space? I'm finding it absolutely unbearable. I know he's coming to terms with his sexuality and that's so tough. I know he might be coming to terms with also being into me. But is he into me? Is there a chance he's not?

What should I do about it? He is extremely busy the next three weeks. I imagine he will still ask me to go for runs (2–3 times a week), I will still see him once a week otherwise in a newspaper capacity, etc. But when is it right for me to expect an answer from him? How should I request that from him?

I had planned to show I wasn't holding our "friendship" hostage by going back to engaging with him normally in a few days, and going on the runs. I had then planned to tell him in three weeks time, once he's not super busy anymore, that I loved spending time with him (he knows this, of course), but that I couldn't do it anymore if he was closed off to the idea that we could become a thing.

"I am happy to be patient, understanding, help you come to terms with things. I don't want to rush into anything. But only if this is something you are considering."

Does that sound fair? What do you think is going through his head? Does anyone have any similar experiences?

 

Thank for your reply. I feel like I am already invested enough and have got far enough that it would be strange to give up now. Like I had a major breakthrough with him on Friday.

He's been kind of hot and cold. I told him I'd give him space and be silent a bit, but he didn't seem to want it and was kind of flirty last night. But today, he's been kind of cold. I asked him if he wanted to go for a run tomorrow night, and he said yes, though. But I know it won't be the same.

Does anyone else have any thoughts? I'm feeling extremely emotional and vulnerable.

 

I know it's not fair. And I would love to be able to emotionally cope with things myself and not be into him so much and be able to help him through things without becoming mentally unhinged. But I don't think I can. So yes, it is the reality of it all.

OffTheAir1, thanks for asking. No, I didn't see him today. But I asked him to go for a run tomorrow night and I'll see him then. I might see him before then, too, but it depends. We were talking a bit tonight and he felt cold and distant, and then it changed again. He really goes hot and cold and it's a bit of a rollercoaster ride, but we both signed off tonight on a reasonably warm/good note. But boy am I emotionally drained by it all...