Interested in dating but have so many mental hangups

First of all, hello everyone, this is my first post here. I hope it is ok to start right off the bat with a heavy wall of text post.


So I am a guy, born male, identify as male. I do like girls but also have had some interest in other guys for idk, probably a long time, but it first somewhat solidified into “oh shit I might also like boys” in high school, and I’m 23 now.


My biggest problem is this - I have so many mental hangups that I just don’t know what’s real. Because I’m so predisposed to doubting every idea, thought or emotion I have, I’m always asking myself “Am I faking it? Am I forcing it? Am I putting it on for the sake of being ‘alternative’ or the psychological appeal of being a victim?”

Part of the reason this is is because of the type of guys I’m attracted to - mainly relatively thin, somewhat feminine, white or Hispanic guys. Because my interest in women is pretty broad, but I’m only ever into this small subset of guys, it makes me doubt whether I’m really truly into it.

My friends have told me “You know, straight guys probably don’t wonder if they want a boyfriend” and like, logically I think that’s true, but I just wish I could stop doubting myself and feel that it was true in my heart. And I know that, you know, physically, I’m into things that definitely do not point to straightness, but again, I just doubt my own mind so much.

And I frequently have happy daydreams of dating a guy of my certain “type” but I’m pretty sure I fall into the “In love with the idea of a relationship more so than an individual person” category mentioned in the sticky post at the top of this category.

All of this is not helped by the fact that I’m not my own biggest fan, physically I don’t think I look good, and I have issues where I can’t picture meeting someone who I like who would also want to be with me.

I know this is a whole lot to throw out there especially for a first post. But if anyone has any light they can shine on any of it, I would be so totally grateful. And even if not, it helped to write this and vent, so thank you anyway.


Thank you for making this place for people to come to with doubts like this. I look forward to spending more time on the forums interacting with people

- Pizza Pie

 

First off, thanks for such a thoughtful response. Without going into too much detail I have tried the therapy and/or doctor thing once or twice, dropped out a previous time but am currently going again, I am pretty skeptical but am still giving it an attempt.

And to answer your question, yeah, a handful - one of my oldest friends going back to elementary school is a girl, and has talked about mostly going for girls - she has helped me out with some support and wisdom. And a few gay guys, two of which over the years I had a sexual texting/chatting type of relationship with. One of those two back in high school asked me about dating and at the time I said no.

And another gay guy I’m friends with from college, for a while I developed a schoolboy crush on him which I told him about. Fast forward a couple years and a bunch of our group were hanging out at one friend’s apartment after a graduation dinner, and he and I end up sort of cuddling and then sharing a futon. No moves were made or anything like that, but it was just kind of nice to have that closeness - this was late this past December, I think, to put a time reference on it.

It feels like writing that last part out makes it hard to believe that I have sexuality doubts, haha. But once again, thanks for reading and responding

 

I would be down to chat more. Thanks for replying, it helps to know that someone else has gone through very similar feelings

 

I’ll answer out of order -

For women, I feel like my attraction level there has been pretty normal. My relationships with them have been hit or miss but that’s to be expected with anyone. Therein though lies part of my problem: my attraction to women is relatively worry free, I don’t have many hangups about who or what I like, I would say it’s “effortless”, whereas with guys I put more thought into it and it’s more pick-and-choosy; I think that plays into the “Am I forcing it?” doubt, because the thought is, “If attraction to girls is this easy, why do I have to think about it so much with guys?” and also “I’m into such a wide variety of women, why is it that with guys it’s such a narrow subset?”

As for the other question, off the top of my head I can’t think of anything very specific. There’s some things in my past and general life stuff that may have put me off sexuality in general, but that’s about it.

One thought I have is maybe I thought, to be a part of the whole LGBTQ spectrum you had to fit into a community or exhibit some kind of characteristics/fit a stereotype? That’s not something I consciously thought (I don’t think), but maybe it was in the back of my mind, I have no idea. There’s also the subconscious self-doubt thing of, “there’s a minority subset group of people, but you’re not any kind of special or uncommon, so there’s no way you’re a part of a group like that” - More questions than answers there but there ya go.

Once again, I have to say thank you for putting so much time and effort into helping me.

 

Thanks for the reply - I’m hoping to get to the intense feelings part eventually