Im not even sure where to begin I'll try to keep this short I have probably had depression for a long time and maybe didn't realize it my parents were both Hoarders and this may be a form of OCD. Growing up I never question my sexuality I was always attracted to girls always loved breasts. Regularly masturbated to women. Had a crushs on girls. I had a weird masturbation habit where I would stuff pillows in my pants and rub my junk against it hands-free. I'm not sure if this is relevant but I want to be completely honest. Somewhere between 4th and 6th grade I remember telling a joke about what if a girl had a huge dick and walked by. I don't know if this is relevant. I remember masturbating with other males present I remember when I was in 10th Grade I got really high and I thought my girlfriend had a penis because we've never had sex before. Anyway fast forward to 18 and I started dating my friend's sister because it seemed like every other girl I tried to date he would take her so I got with a girl he can never steal from me she was attractive had nice breast anyway I still still hung out with my friend weed smoke pot all the time and I remember trying to imitate Jim Carrey trying to be funny Jim Carrey is pretty flamboyant I remember him asking if I acted this way around his sister and I thought to myself like a total fagg? Nope just with you. Then I remember him asking what is the worst thing that could ever happen to you and I remember thinking to myself, I don't know, if I was actually gay and liked you and not your sister. This was about the second week after I had lost my virginity to his sister. But from that thought forward I could not stop thinking that what if I was gay. And I couldn't understand it because I had never thought I was attracted to men and I have never masturbated to anything gay. Anyway I overcame that bout of depression I guess went deep in the closet or something and tried to date women again I was able to get an erection with women but unable to cum for a while. Fast forward met a girl thought we were in love got her pg now I have a son but we broke up when when he was 2 went into another depression. Questioned Sexuality again Cried daily suicidal, using porno, and I started viewing Futanari porn, chicks with dicks. The first time I had ever seen this type of content it never turned me on back when a teen. But in my 20s it did and I used it regularly, also bbw, inflation, weight gain porn. Anyway the whole time still having sex with my x. Until she got pregnant by another guy. Any way suicidal crying isolating . Somehow got myself to move on dated another girl, thought I loved her forgot to mention while dating the x I wore her lingerie a few times to jack off. Long story short I can't figure out if I keep picking women I know it will never work out with because I'm homosexual? But the futunari porn makes me really feel guilty and ashamed I don't know if I have hocd I never had any other obsessions compulsions just mostly the one about being possibly gay. pedophile one a little bit trans one little bit. I've read OCD forums and these are different types of obsessions people get my family is very homophobic, I have no idea anymore I'm so confused all I do is cry all day and I feel really weak for crying which fuels my insecurities makes me think I have a tiny weak female brain, I must be gay I must be trans. I just broke up with my girlfriend that I said I love but she never said back. I don't know if that's a factor but the last 6 months I'm trying to work it out with her I remember crying almost daily. All I know is I cry all day I'm depressed and I want to kill myself somebody help oh yeah I was held back from sex ed till 7th grade, catholic school from 2nd-6th, also sometimes when I see a guy my brain will say "hes hot" throwing me into a panic I don't know if this is hocd or if I'm bi or gay or what sometimes I'll get angry and talk to myself in the mirror and say terrible things and derogatory slang to myself like I'm a faggot and I don't deserve to live. I must have low self-esteem I'm only 5-8" I think that I want to find a woman to be married to her but how could I ever do that with these thoughts and I wouldn't want to get into that being uncertain of who I even am. I really want to die I'm scared to get into a relationship with a girl and marry her and then turn out to be gay later or something what woman would want a guy who questions his sexuality
Hi, and welcome. I don't hear anything that would indicate to me that you're gay, but I do hear a lot that indicates obsessive traits and some pretty serious self-esteem issues. I would strongly suggest you seek out a therapist who can help you work through these issues. You sound like there's a lot going on, and a therapist would be able to help you unpack all of the different things that are impacting you.
Im afraid if I go to a therapist they will just say im gay. I feel so weak and ashamed and guilty. I feel so hopeless and angry with myself for crying and makes me cry more
It isn't a therapist's role to tell you you are gay or straight; they help you to understand yourself. Additionally, the therapist will help you with the self esteem issues. I very strongly recommend you find a therapist who can help you with these issues; otherwise you are likely to just keep going in circles.
I have to echo Chip here - therapists do not tell you your sexual orientation, but they can help you work through any feelings of depression, obsession/compulsion, and low self esteem - all of which you nod to in your post. I would really suggest seeking out a counselor/therapist.
