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What does it feel like when you’re ready to come out? How will I know I’m ready?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Blue90, Jan 30, 2018.

  1. Blue90

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    I’m a 27 year old gay female.

    I’ve heard people say “you’ll just know” when you’re ready to come out? Is that true? Can you describe that feeling to me that you get when you “just know” you’re ready to tell people?

    I think it’s nearly my time to do it and I’m writing a letter to give to my parents (even though I live with them).
    Putting my life on hold is getting unbearable now - I want to start living a full life!

    I guess I’m just looking for other people’s experience of how they felt building up to the period just before they came out. I feel like I’ve been here before again and again and let that feeling of being ready slip away before I’ve acted on it and I don’t want that to happen again.
     
  2. DinoArtist

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    Nobody is ever truly ready for anything in this life. You have to play it by ear.
     
  3. LittleMouse

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    This!

    I’m at a similar point with gender right now and it is reaching the point where the desire to be true to myself is stronger than the fear of coming out.
     
  4. Sieyes9

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    Wow everything you said is literally me. Except I came out to my mom back in high school she’s the only one I have told. I cried a lot that day. It was really scary for me and definitely emotional. Not because I was afraid of how she would react, it was more of not wanting her to see me differently. I felt so much relief after. I didn’t plan on coming out to her that night, it just happened. I’m currently working on the courage to tell my siblings, which I’m sure they know, but are just waiting on me.
     
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  5. SemiCharmedLife

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    It's like holding your finger over a hose. You can only do it for so long before the pressure is too much and you have to let it out. I got to a point where keeping it in felt worse than coming out so I quit hiding and came out.
     
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  6. SevnButton

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    I'm not ready, and I know it. But I fantasize about having "the talk" when I am ready. When that time comes, I will have thought about all the different ways the conversation could go, and I'll have a sense of what I'll say no matter how the conversation goes. The person I come out to will seem to be in a receptive mood, not stressed out or preoccupied with something else. I'll start with the part I've rehearsed over and over in my head. It will feel surreal. Then one of my biggest questions will be answered: How is this person going to respond.

    For you, maybe it will be when by chance there's a good opportunity, or maybe you have a moment of clarity that this is it. Maybe you'll just feel like you have to do it no matter what. No matter what, your friends here at EC will be here for you. Good luck, and best wishes!
     
  7. PatrickUK

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    I think this is a good analogy and it was certainly true for me. There was an awful build up of pressure for some months prior to me coming out and my mind was constantly distracted by the issue. It's was becoming a monster in my life and I knew I had to face the bitch down.

    Was I nervous? Yes. Did I nearly back out of it? Hell, yes... several times.

    It was one of those occasions when I decided to feel the fear and do it anyway... a bit like doing a bungee jump or skydive.
     
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  8. Blue90

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    Well good luck for the rest of your coming out journey then!

    I got part way to coming out to my mum a few years ago when she asked me if I was gay in the middle of an argument!? Let’s say her response was terrible and she was “devastated”. I did sort of admit to it but then back tracked and said I was just confused and wasnt gay. I simply wasn’t ready. So I’m not starting from a blank page now which is annoying!
     
  9. Blue90

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    That analogy makes a lot of sense! I’ve heard it said that you “just know” when it’s time and that pressure gets too much? I think the mental torment is starting to overshadow the bad repose I might have to live with! I think I’m there. But..

    I don’t know if you relate but I can’t help but feel quite a lot of frustration and almost anger at the fact I have to come out at this point. You know? Like I’m not informing anyone about a relationship with a girl because I’m not in one. So it basically feels like making an announcement about who I think about in a sexual way... i.e. something it annoys me that I have to do!! There’s something weird about the need to do that isn’t there? And won’t other people think “why does she feel the need to announce she thinks girls are sexually attractive”?
    But, I guess sadly that’s where society is right now for lgbt people and I don’t want my coming out to involve a future girlfriend because that really wouldn’t be fair on her or my family. Can win either way can you!?
     
  10. silverhalo

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    Hey when I first joined EC and figured out my sexuality I always kept seeing people say you will know when you are ready and I used to think ha I will never be ready but over time it's true things changed.

    The hose pipe analogy is a good one. I think for me it was more like a set of scales, on one side was my desire to be honest and open with people and on the other side was my fear of coming out. To begin with my desire to be out was nothing and my fear of coming out big and heavy but over time my fear became a little less and a little less and my desire to tell people became greater and weight more heavily on my mind so for me when I became ready was the moment my desire to be out became greater than my fear of telling someone.
    Don't get me wrong it was still scary but the force driving me to do it was greater.
     
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  11. Devil Dave

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    I think the word that best describes how I felt when I was ready is: Boredom. I was bored of pretending to be straight. I was bored of pretending to like women. I was bored of lying to people I care about. I was bored of being dishonest.

    Now don't get me wrong - it's not the kind of boredom you feel when you've got too much time on your hands and no interesting activities to fill it with. It's not the kind of boredom you feel from constantly playing the same video game and listening to the same song and wanting to try something else. It's the boredom you feel when a conflict has gone on for too long and you feel like an uncomfortable weight has been pressing down on you to the point that you feel you want to let it go and put your ego aside and make peace with whatever it is that is bothering you.

    That's how I felt. I no longer felt like I could benefit from acting as if I was interested in girls - it was getting more and more difficult to keep up the charade, it was taking too much of my energy and making me feel exhausted. I was ready challenge myself and other people's opinion of me by opening up and being honest about how I felt towards men. I stopped thinking about how they might react if I told them, I stopped thinking about the outcome and how dangerous it might be, I just wanted to get it out in the open. The straight act had worn out its welcome, and that's how I knew I was ready.
     
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  12. SemiCharmedLife

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    I started to feel like I wasn't able to be my full self around people I wasn't out to. Once I was out, it wasn't suddenly like that was the only thing I talked about. Then when I started dating my bf that accelerated it because I was talking about things we did on the weekend or wanting to bring him to stuff.
     
  13. pennylane1988

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    I knew I was ready when I felt the need to shared it with my closer friends. I desperately wanted to be able to be myself around them and stop hiding that part of me to them. It got to a point where I was really anxious and there was anything else I could think of. It was really hard (it still is. I have yet to come out to my family), but it was totally worth it.
     
  14. SevnButton

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    OK, now I'm starting to understand, and I think before I just didn't get it. Here on EC and to myself, I'm out. Off-line I'm 100% in the closet, back in the corner with the door shut and carefully guarded. The contrast is creating tension within me, which feels just like the "thumb on the garden hose" that people have described. Now, the image of a scale fits, balancing the cost of staying in the closet against the risks of coming out. I FEEL it.
     
  15. Wesley007

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    Well you gotta take it slow, then just breathe and accept some people won't accept it and the people who you think might accept it may not, but will surprise you. Play it by ear and try to maybe gently ease into it or maybe make subtle references to see how it might go and then proceed from there.
     
  16. HM03

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    Such a good analogy.
    *
    I don't think I have ever felt 100% confident that it will be taken well. I'm always at least a little worried.

    Initially when I first started coming out, it was because I felt so bad I didn't really care and thought worst case scenario I would feel the same shittiness, best case scenario I'd feel better. Then I felt almost irritated or pissed off having the freedom around certain people but not others. Now I have no idea who has told who, I just pretend the entire world (minus parents) know.
     
  17. readynow

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    it's so weird to read that you were one time where we are :slight_smile:

    I fear that the scales can swing back again and that's what keeps from going forward...
     
  18. silverhalo

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    And you will know when the time is right.
     
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  19. silverhalo

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    I was for definite where you are, I was a confused mess.

    I think your fear of the scales swinging back is because at the moment your mood and mental state isn't still quite volatile but I do believe it will settle down.
     
  20. Assassin'sKat

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    Really, you will just know.
    You will still feel scared, but you'll feel just confident enough to actually do it.
    Judging by the fact that you are already writing your parents letters, I would say you are ready. Usually, people would be too scared to go that far if they weren't ready.
    Do you feel like it's time to send them though? If you want to send them, even though you are scared, I think you are ready.
     
    #20 Assassin'sKat, Feb 4, 2018
    Last edited: Feb 4, 2018