Hello everyone, I haven't posted here in a while, and the last time I did so, I was on the brink of a taking my life. Thankfully I didn't. Since then I have been "diagnosed" with Major Depressive Disorder. I say it that way because I'm not sure filling out a short survey at my doctors office is really a great diagnostic tool, but at least I was able to get meds and my doctor does seem to be trying. After 4 months and 5 different meds I am finally starting to feel a little better. I still can't bring myself to go see a therapist though. I don't trust them and I don't feel like they are really helpful for me. This brings up the problem that I don't have anyone to talk to about what I am going through. I feel that if I could find someone that is going or has gone through being married, having kids, and secretly liking men, it would help a lot. Trouble is I have know idea where to find this. I don't mind talking online but it doesn't seem personal enough to me. Talking face to face wold benefit me much more. Anyway, thats where I am now. Somehow I have to survive this fight with depression and then, maybe, I can tackle the rest. If I was to change my home life now, this would most likely be the last thing I wrote. My will to fight can only go so far. Thanks for listening.
J, I have been there buddy. There are many of us here that have fought and are fighting depression. Until I was able to bring my struggles to the light of day, I don’t believe I would have survived. If you are not ready to see a therapist, consider confiding in a close friend. I do not know any gay men personally but I am fortunate to have several heterosexual male friends that helped me. In the meantime, we are all here for you.
Hi jrockcold, I am glad you did not kill yourself, and that you found some help. The depression questionnaire most often used in primary care is only 2 questions! (But it can trigger a longer, 9 question screen). I hope you can continue to use the medication, and find someone to help get it to a therapeutic level for you. Everyone is different, and it can take a while to find the correct med. I hope you can find a way to seek out a therapist to talk to. They use a variety of techniques to help you learn about and improve yourself and your ways of dealing with the others in your life. I have been married (Twice!) and have a grown child. I am out to my second wife and my girlfriend and my gay and bi friends. I am taking an antidepressant that has been a godsend, and I attend a men's group that is organized for gay men married to women. There are several other support groups, such as Husbands Out to Wives (HOW) that have an online presence and get-together. There are people in your city with a similar background, but I am unable to point you in their direction, per the rules of this forum. Welcome
jrockcold....Been there, came very close also. Married, kids and fought for years trying to pretend that I wasn't gay. As you well know, that doesn't work. The meds really can hep...they have helped me. But the biggest help was my therapist. I know that you say that won't work for you...so I would like to ask if you've had a bad experience or something along those lines? For me finding the right person was really critical. I'd like to encourage you to think about that again. Perhaps the key for you too is the right therapist...qualified in LGBT issues or in my case specializing in LGBT issues and gay himself. He KNEW what I was going through as he had been there himself. Good fortune to you and stay with us, share with us...we want to help in ANY way we can. ....David
I'm glad that you saw your doctor and got meds, even if you are skeptical of the diagnosis. There is significant diagnostic power in those seemingly simple questionnaires. Here's what I know based on my personal experience of beating depression while married It consumes a lot of mental energy to protect your secret that you like men when you are married. If you are like me, being in denial and/or in the closet about your sexuality may also distort your world view. Depression is typically caused by feelings of hopelessness, which are usually the result of self-defeating thought patterns. Therapy is the ultimate cure to correct your thought process. Meds alleviate the symptoms allowing you to focus on curative therapy. Even though you are skeptical about therapists, this is your best bet to get better. You may need to meet with several different therapists before you find one you click with. Ideally you should try to find a therapist with LGBT experience or one who is gay himself. You need to be totally honest with your therapist, including your big secret. Have you had bad experiences with therapists in the past?
I have had counseling on and off since I was 14. I've had good counselors and bad ones. Unfortunately the best ones I've had were either when I was young or they have given up their practice and moved away. I don't respond well to most of the "by the book" therapies. If I don't have the right connection I can't really open up and I tend to fake a connection just to make it less awkward. Then I just don't go back.
I really don't have any close friends. Because of my past I don't let people get to close to me and tend to drive them away if I feel they are. It's my protection from being hurt. Even just typing this I am afraid to open up too much and this is anonymous.
Hello! As someone who has been taking depression meds for 4 years and has been depressed most of her life, I say, welcome to the club! We have pills Medication is incredibly important. It took me a long time to understand the vitality of it. But therapy is just as important and I really don't think you can move forward without one or the other. Can I ask, why do you have trust issues with therapists, and what kind of therapists have you seen? Have you maybe considered support groups?
It sounds like you don't respond well to most therapists. It can take some work to find a good one for sure, but the results are worth it. Have you ever tried an LGBT therapist? Until you are ready for therapy, you might want to find an LGBT support group as a baby step. Ithaca College has a page that list resources in your area, which might be a good place to start - https://www.ithaca.edu/sacl/lgbt/resources/locres/. A support group for gay dads would be ideal for you.
Meds is just one aspect of dealing with what is going on with you. Now you have found some meds that are helping a bit you need to focus on your thoughts and therapy will help a lot if you can get the right therapist. A gay therapist may be a very good starting pointes someone has already mentioned. They will challenge your thoughts and make you look at your life circumstances from all different angles and before you know it you will start taking control again
I also have major depression, and my hardest time coincided with admitting to my husband finding out that I was trying to get with women online. I ended up in the hospital several times. Things are better for me now, mostly thanks to meds, and I really encourage you to find therapy and possibly groups as well. Sometimes it can help to be able to be open and honest with someone who has been through the same thing.
jrockcold: You've come to right place for support for both your personal situation and for your diagnosis. Many people on Later in Life have experienced one or both of these situations. The meds act as a safety net. They have for me. Therapy is also helpful. With the right therapist, you can go a long way toward getting better. When depressed, some days or periods of time can be brutal. A fair number of us here know that all too well. I have had some good therapists and some not so good therapists. I don't think it's as much about the trust as it is about their resonating with you and you with them. If a therapist resonates with you and takes an interest in your situation without crossing boundaries or breaching ethics, I suggest looking for and staying with such a therapist.
Hey Jrock, I don't what it's like to be on the gay spouse side but from the straight spouse side anything with marriage and kids is just that much harder. So many of the people here have had similar situations you should really feel free to talk with them. I can't talk to the LGBT part of things but I do know about depression. I've been in therapy and taking antidepressants for .. about a year now and I can say without a doubt I would be a lot worse off right now if not for them. It took about 6 months for me to find the right dose. I'm on fluoxetine 60mg a day. For me it really helped me not.. spiral down, I still got upset or mad or sad or happy but when I'm down it's not that engulfing cloud of depression. It sounds... hard to believe when you're in that dark spot but it doesn't have to feel so bad. It took time but I've slowly started reconnecting with friends i left years ago. *because of the depression really.. depression made me feel alone and cut off from other people and it became a self profiling prophecy.* I'm not happy about what's happening in my life right now and it brings me effing down, but that haze of depression isn't here. Makes me feel almost normal heh.. About the therapist... I'm not saying not to shop around. I'm just saying that I really don't think my therapist is all that good lol but it was another human being to talk to and be open with so it helped. Just keep talking to people and trying for a better tomorrow. Good luck
JROCK, Just like the meds, cycle through the councilors until you find one that you can trust and one that works for you. Dean
