I'm 19 and I have just put into words today some of things I have been feeling and reflecting on for a while now. I wanted to know if other people my age are feeling similarly and if people older than myself know if the types of things I've been thinking and feeling are just normal at my age or if I should discuss them with someone? You'll have to excuse the horribly overdramatic way i've written this, I've been reading a particularly flowery book! *** I have two exams next week and have evidently opted to take the ‘do fuck all’ approach in preparation. For the last few years I have really struggled to connect the importance I place on achieving academically and the need and want I have for it with real action. I can’t decide where the issue lies since each time I try and reflect on it I come to thinking about another personal flaw that may or may not be connected in some way. I know really, I have only decided to write this by way of not doing work. Since I’m here anyway, I may as well express the thoughts I regularly have in what will one day, I’m sure, simply be my emotionally troubling transitional years into adult life. I feel that my most emotionally trying time is, at least for now, behind me. One of the problems I now face is that the emotions I feel are somewhat dampened. Things I have noticed and come to realise of myself; · I haven’t truly laughed in a very long time. · I have only once cried recently (and I believe only through a lack of sleep). · I don’t feel stress emotionally anymore (I just see a practical loss of potential/time/money when I find myself not acting in stressful situations). · I often think of myself as if I wasn’t myself, in this way I can make choices objectively but I have also lost most of the emotional struggle that comes with having a fear of making the wrong choices. · I rarely seem to make mistakes, a factor that leads me to assume that I’m not making enough choices. · I think to practically and don’t allow space for my ‘heart’ to play a part in the decisions I make. · I don’t get embarrassed in social situations anymore. · I have begun to shun the negativity of others despite the output of my own. · I recover from any emotion I do feel, however weakly, too quickly. I feel like I have no time to smile or cry and no time to reflect on what I’m feeling, why I’m feeling it and what I can do about it. Those to list a few. I feel as if I don’t feel much and yet I feel so much as to be writing this. If I’m truly asked how I feel, I say I’m the happiest I’ve ever been, but this is only true so much as I have never been this ‘un-sad’. Deciding on if the way I feel is genuine or if it is a result of a subconscious suppression of negative feelings is a question. Unfortunately, I fear my choice only a year or so ago, to ‘just be happy’ may have backfired quite massively. I think maybe I have simply buried some of my true feelings, now making it a far greater challenge to sift through what used to be a very surface level problem. A potential solution to this would be to dismiss it as a passing thought or just speculation on a very loose feeling that may simply blow over one day. Perhaps to dismiss it the name of getting better, just choose not to feel it and it can’t ail me, as I have done on some level with sadness and embarrassment and other such emotions. I used to think I had achieved something when it comes to my emotions, since there are a lot of benefits to the way I feel, namely that I’m not unhappy and that I have become the most honest version of myself to date, though that will be a lifelong journey I’m sure. I think what I have come to realise recently is that my emotional deficiency is in itself coming to be a problem. Maybe I’d really prefer to feel unhappy than just the tepid ‘I’m alive’ kind of vibe I give myself. It also concerns me that this increasing indifference is going to start impacting the relationships I have with people. I’ve adopted quite a take it or leave it attitude. If you impact my life negatively I don’t have time for you anymore, I’ll keep it civil but I really can’t be bothered. My scope of caring has come down to my own personal bubble and if you don’t add any colour to it interactions between us very quickly become a chore in my eyes. I feel rude, disrespectful, unapproachable, selfish and yet totally justified. Why don’t I feel justified in finding help? Someone to personally discuss these feelings with. I’m inclined to believe they’re normal things to feel but maybe they’re not and if they aren’t I’m keen to say a swift goodbye. After all, they add no colour to my bubble, even if it hasn’t popped. That’s really why I wrote this. It’s because I want some stranger to find this laptop, guess my password right, find and read this file and ask me if I’m ok. Do I feel this way because I have grown taller than anyone else in my life or do we all just ‘walk different paths’ and if the latter is true, why is that nobody I have met in my time so far at university, or previously, actually connected with me on any level deeper than the superficial? Do I feel this way because I’m lonely? Do I need a lover? I am sexually frustrated? Or is my need for somebody to talk to my need for ANYTHING of substance in conversation. Can I really, justifiably say, with my short comings in motivation and drive, that my intellect is so far above the norm that nobody I talk to satisfies my need for mental simulation? It’s not as if I’m anything special, I am outperformed in many ways by many people. Do I believe I am something special? Do I expect too much or too little of my life? If someone has taken the time to read this procrastination fuelled existential brain dump, know that I’ve just realised on this little journey that I lied previously. I do get embarrassed and I do fear making the wrong choice and this is why I don’t act to the make changes in my personal life that I really should. I think a good place to go from here is to consider why I should feel so embarrassed about doing certain things and how I can nullify these feelings. Let’s just hope that this approach doesn’t serve to dig me into a deeper emotional pit. Perhaps having a focus outside of academia, which after my whole life has apparently become very menial, is really all I need. *** Thanks to anyone who survived that.
What you're describing sounds, to me, like you're very numbed emotionally. This is different than depression; it's essentially a way of avoiding discomfort, but it has the effect of also numbing joy. Please take 15 minutes and watch this video. Dr. Brown explains it better than I can easily do: If that connects with you, then watch her other two TED talks, "The Power of Vulnerability" and "Listening to Shame". What you're experiencing is very, very common for LGBT people and a byproduct of hiding ourselves for years, along with the messages we get from media, organized religion, and sometimes our friends and family. It's good that you're talking about this, because that's the first step toward working through it.
I just watched the video you linked and I do relate to this in most ways. Thank you very much for sending it, I wasn't expecting to hear such a perfect fit! Going to watch the other two, looking forward to working on this!
I went through this too. I'll tell you exactly how I felt in that phase and then you can decide if you can relate to it. I felt demotivated for everything. I had no motivation to do anything, not studying, not moving, not talking. I just simply didn't feel like it. I felt empty for a long time. I missed feeling things, even feelings like loneliness or sadness. I'd say it felt like I was a robot, incapable of feeling things, but deep down I knew I did feel things. To this day I still don't know if I just didn't want to feel them or if they simply weren't there. I guess the logical answer would have been that I was surpressing my feelings, but it didn't feel like it. I had known what surpressing feelings felt like and this felt intirely different. I even fantasized about having arguments with people and losingn them to feel pain. At school I laughed with people, I talked to people, I seemed totally fine I think. Just a bit closed off, but no one thought much of that. And I didn't fake the laughter. It was real in the moment, but looking back it felt kind of fake for some reason. Like you, I didn't feel happy but not unhappy either. It was just emptiness, with some selfcaused pain inbetween. When I got home I would just lay in bed and do nothing. I had control over my thoughts. As a matter of fact it felt like I didn't think anything. It's not peace though. I didn't feel peaceful. At the time I considered that was it, but now I know t wasn't. I felt horrible looking back, as I said, robotic. Tired, was also a big part of it. I was tired of everything. Of life, of doing things and I didn't see the point of doing things anymore. I was depressed, of which the empty part was a big part too. I think a lot of people know how this feels. You're not alone. A very good friend of mine is in the exact same position as you are. I'm not sure how to help it. With time the feelings came back for me. I guess I let myself feel things again, but I know that's not of any help for you, because it's not something you do with the flick of a button. At some point I got so mad at myself for not feeling anything it became too much and I broke down. It felt good to break down though. A time ago I made that decision too. From now on, I'm going to be happy. Nothing else matters. You're right, at first I felt happy, but then I realized I was surpressing my other feelings and I blamed myself and fucked myself up for not feeling happy. The goal of life is not to be happy. Happiness is a feeling. A great feeling, but not a lifegoal. Other feelings can be there too. I don't believe there is a goal in life. There's no ultimate point to life. The only goal of life is to live. That includes every moment and every feeling. I know how it feels to want people to ask you if you're okay. But truth is, I've become pretty good at concealing these things and on top of that, I felt and looked pretty okay with others. I wanted someone to accidently read the things I wrote down and help me, but truth is, that's not going to happen. I got myself to tell people about how I felt. I think it was one of the hardest things I've ever done. However, it was one of the best decision I could have made. All of a sudden I had people who asked me if I was okay when they saw I was down and I had people who I could tell this to. I am very lucky to have those people in my life and I hope you have them too. Think of a friend or family who cares about you. Or maybe you could search help somewhere else. I don't think you should nullify your shame. Just let every emotion happen. Because at the end of the day they're there, you know that too. Just let all the feelings roll over you. Shame, fear, anxiety, happiness, excitement. It's okay to feel all of them. You don't have to listen to the fear or shame or anxiety. That's your choice. Just make sure you feel them. It worked for me. Open yourself up to the world. Because the world can be amazing. I'm sure you know that somewhere too. I hope this helped. Tell me if I was completely wrong, but this is how I got through it. This is how I changed my mindset.
Thanks for your reply, I did read it. What you said sounds very much like me at the moment. I'm going to talk to somebody at uni to work it out
Haha! I can relate to that! Anyway, so a lot of what you’ve described has happened to me too. I tend to laugh a decent amount, but most of the time it’s just me thinking I’m happy rather than actually being happy. Over time I’ve become better at blocking things out and focusing on one event, creating the allusion of happiness, which works for me I suppose. I’ve never described myself as depressed but I’m definitely not happy like the rest of the people I know. I can’t remember the last time I was excited over something that wasn’t research related—and even that hardly excites me anymore. O, blissfully ignorant childhood, where have you gone! I don’t cry anymore. I haven’t actually cried in two years, unless of course you count all the times I have unintentionally poked myself in the eye attempting to put in my contacts, because if that’s the case then, yeah, I cry every day. I do, however, feel stress. A lot of stress. From. Everything. Dramatic, I know. But that stress I blame on my competitive personality and the overwhelming sense of having to make life changing decisions that could potentially ruin my life forever—that is, if I don’t, by some means, become a millionaire over night; however, since I neither gamble nor play at the lottery that’s probably not going to happen. Sometimes I feel like a spectator instead of a subject, like a foreign entity that merely exists, passing through life day by day. A therapist once told me I had trauma in my past. It might be because of that. It might be because I’ve been denying myself my identity for so long. Either way, it sucks. And in that condition I don’t feel like doing anything at all. Not even sleeping. Or eating chocolate. Now I can relate to most of what you’ve said but one thing—I’ve never been demotivated. The only thing I do is work. It has its advantages of course, I’ve become very successful academically, and it provides momentary pleasure upon achieving certain tasks, but it’s exhausting and I hate it. However, the alternative reality of having to then face my conflicting emotions is so daunting that I decided I’d rather just put forth the effort and keep trudging on. I’ll save introspection for another day. Perhaps write it down on my to-do list for summer activities. Maybe tackle it over a long weekend. Vulnerability and I have a strained relationship. I’ll tell you a story. When I was younger, I think roughly fifteen, I had one absolutely horrid, wretched, rubbish day. My friends, who I was eating lunch with, must have seen it on my face because they asked me what happened. It wasn’t a good answer. I felt my throat constricting, tilted my head up to draw in that one breath which might clear it, but it was in vain, I felt tears welling in my eyes. Note: I’ve cried only twice in front of other people in my entire life, once in front of my father, the other was this time. I ran into the bathroom as quickly as I could and hid in a stall. Then my friend came in. I nearly choked. I had not expected my friend to follow me and even more I had not expected my friend to talk to me and console me. I let my guard down, I became vulnerable, and as much as I hated it, it was probably the best thing that I’d ever done. So the point of this rambling post is that you aren’t alone and…well I guess I don’t really have much of a point.
It’s a great and interesting story! I think you’ll figure it out eventually. You know that how you’re living isn’t the optimal way, but who the fuck ever lived the optimal way. I believe at one given point, all those cropped up feelings will come out, like they did with me. Good luck with that, because it feels like you’re giving birth to emotions. I think you’ll be just fine though.
